counseling, psychology, relationships, self-help

Do You Need Closure to Heal and Move On?

a2

Are you someone who can’t move on without closure?

The desire to have closure or resolution in any given situation is human nature especially when it comes to our romantic relationships. In theory, closure is supposed to provide us with a breakup cure-all. If we know what exactly went wrong and what we can improve upon, then we can close the door on that past relationship and MOVE ON.  Yet the need for closure doesn’t just apply to romantic relationships. Ending any type of relationship–friendship, familial, or otherwise— may bring about a desire to know WHY this is happening to us and how come something is coming to an end.

Other times we may seek the need for closure because of the death of a loved one, the loss of a job, or a certain lifestyle change, all of which all can be examples of painful endings. Letting go of something that was once important to us can be difficult, and many people seek closure in doing so. But does knowing WHY actually help? And can you really expect other people to give you closure?

When we seek closure we are looking for answers as to the cause of a certain loss in order to resolve the painful feelings it has created. In doing this, we appear to form a mental puzzle of what’s happened – examining each piece and its relationship to the overall puzzle. Closure is achieved when we are satisfied that the puzzle has been assembled to our satisfaction that the answers have been reached and it is therefore possible to move on.

Personally, I do not feel most things in life can be wrapped up so neatly and put away in the psyche of our mind. Sometimes there is no closure or good answer to be given. Sometimes things just need to end. Sometimes endings come about for no good reason or things just ran their natural course.

Moreover, things can end because a situation or person is toxic or unhealthy. Or it can simply be because something no longer serves us. Whatever the reason is does not matter in the big scheme of things. The focus in life has to be on moving forward. Not looking back.

Nevertheless, some people INSIST on closure and answers. As a counselor, I believe if any closure is to be given, only you and you alone can give yourself it. I believe closure is your responsibility because it is up to you to make sense of your relationships and your life. I advise my clients to seek answers from within, not from the external world.  I find closure is something people seek because of the illusion of control in a situation where realistically none exists. OTHER people cannot give you an explanation for why your life has unfolded the way it has.  Even if that person were to communicate with you, they still may not say what you want to hear. A relationship partner cannot truly tell you a simple reason why the relationship has to come to an end because they can only speak to their side, their perspective. Life does not always offer simple answers to complicated questions.

We are all responsible for our own lives. No one else can give us the perfect answer as to WHY. We often create stories about why people aren’t responding in the way we hoped. We come up with reasons to why something is the way it is. But even our attempts at answering the question of why is conjecture at best. Sometimes we can never truly know why things are the way they are.

The truth is I don’t have all the answers, nor does anyone else. One universal experience that we all get to share is having situations in our lives that don’t meet our expectations. We are given the choice as to how we react.  We cannot expect the outside world to give us answers or closure. The great thing is we do not need closure for healing. We must take ownership of our feelings and work on getting comfortable with uncertainties and unanswered questions.

Life is full of them.

If you are struggling with finding closure in your life and would like to schedule a counseling session with me (AND if you are a reader who lives in New Jersey):

https://anewcounselingservices.com/erin-theodorou%2Cm-ed-%2C-lpc

Erin Doyle Theodorou, M.Ed, LPC, NCC

Anew Counseling Services LLC

617 Oradell Avenue, Suite 3, Oradell, New Jersey, 07649

(551) 795-3822

etheodorou@anewcounselingservices.com

 

 

a1

counseling, familysystems, psychology, relationshipadvice, self-help

Enforcing Boundaries, No Contact, and Dysfunctional Relationships: Actions Speak Louder than Words

a6

Boundaries are a very important part of good mental health and maintaining a strong self-esteem.

Often in counseling sessions, I find clients gripe that other people in their lives DO NOT take them seriously. Clients share how they feel disrespected or mistreated. That what they say AND feel does not seem to matter to the folks in their lives.

I often explore with clients if they voice how they feel to the important people in their lives. Often people hold expectations for their relationships and other people without ever voicing their thoughts and feelings. I gently remind clients that other people in our lives are not mind readers. We discuss how other people may in fact have NO IDEA what our thoughts, feelings, and expectations are if we do not have an explicable discussion with them. These clients have a certain set of challenges to face, which requries them to start speaking up in their lives, if they want to catalyze change in their relationships.

Then on the other side of the spectrum, some people will share that YES that have in fact shared MANY times with their spouse, family member, friend, etc. how they FEEL to no avail. These folks have a whole different set of challenges to face and work through in our counseling sessions.

My next question for these clients, who share they have voiced their feelings many times to no avail, in their respective relationships: Did you follow your words up with actions?

Many times, the answer is an astounding, NO. Yet as we all know, actions speak louder than words.

This is where as a counselor, I bring up the topic of personal accountability. The truth is if someone is all talk and no action, is it really the OTHER person’s fault if they do not take said person seriously? We all know people who are all bark and no bite as opposed to people who say how the feel and follow it through with actions that match their words.

This is where the topic of boundaries comes into play. Boundaries are important and in counseling I get to see firsthand how comfortable one is with enforcing theirs.

Boundaries are basically your limits and act as your “invisible fence” alerting you to the fact that you’re uncomfortable or even in danger whether that danger is emotional or physical in nature. They also communicate to others not only how they can treat you and what to expect from you, but also what they’re likely to get away with or not get away with.

Boundaries are not complicated—the tough part is ENFORCING one’s boundaries, something I see many clients struggle with. If someone does not respect your boundaries, they do not respect you. If someone loves you, it will MATTER to them how you feel. Anyone who truly cares about you will express regard when you bring up concerns about your relationship with them–whether that relationship is familial, romantic, or a friendship. Yet this is not the case in dysfunctional, unhealthy relationships.

It often comes down to empathy. If you have any sort of relationship with someone who LACKS EMPATHY, it will be very damaging to you and your well-being.

This is where the idea of no contact comes up. If someone has tried time and time again to fix relationship problems with no success, they are left with two choices: accept the bad behavior as is or leave the relationship. If you ask someone in your life to stop a behavior that is harming you and they don’t, there will not be any other choice to make but to limit or eliminate contact. Unless you are willing to continue to be mistreated. The choice is yours. Following up one’s words with actions is how boundaries are enforced.

Going no contact with someone in your life is a last resort when a person is not respecting you, your boundaries, or your relationship. Many therapists are hesitant with discussing cut offs because of how it impacts the individual–it is certainly NOT ideal especially with family relationships.

One caveat to note is the difference between no contact and the silent treatment. The difference is the silent treatment is used to punish, invoke, fear, guilt, remorse. The silent treatment is about power and control.  This is NOT what no contact is. The silent treatment is abusive in nature. On the other hand, no contact is done to protect yourself. No contact is about moving on from a relationship that is not healthy. The silent treatment is temporary and done with the hope of a certain outcome. No contact is a way of exercising your own autonomy and enforcing your boundaries. You have no hope of ANY outcome other than removing yourself from being mistreated and disrespected. You recognize that you have the right to cease communication with someone who mistreats you and lacks empathy for you.

People make their choices and it gets them to a certain point in their life and in their relationships. YOU are NOT responsible for the actions and choices of other people. But you are responsible for protecting your own well-being from people who mistreat you. This is why following your words up with actions is a must.

I believe everyone’s feelings are important. We all deserve to be treated with basic human decency.  A person with good self-worth does not continue on in relationships where respect is not being served. For instance, when someone is disrespectful to me for no reason, I like to ask myself some questions. Who is this person? Are they even important in the scheme of my life? Will calmly telling this person that I’m hurt or offended be met with further aggression? And how much energy do I have in this moment to engage with this person? Is the juice worth the squeeze????

This is why enforcing boundaries is the cornerstone to maintaing healthy relationships in one’s life. If you find you have tried time and time again to get your needs met in a relationship and are wondering when no contact is appropriate, I feel there are three overarching factors to consider it:

1)Does this person show remorse when you tell them they hurt you? If someone has no remorse, if someone doesn’t care, then I think that is a real problem. I do think a basic standard for one’s life is to keep people in your life who have some regard for you at a very basic human level. If someone tells you with their words and actions, they do not care about you, why would you stay in contact with them if you have any sense of self-respect?

2)Has this person in your life outright told you they do not respect you?They shame you, criticize you, minimize you, make you feel degraded. Are you okay with this type of treatment?

3)Does this person refuse to let you live life on your terms and respect your boundaries? In life, we don not have to agree with how other people in our lives choose to live. But if we want to be in their lives, we must learn to be respectful and tolerant of our differences.

These are just a few broad factors to pay mind to when considering going no contact. Remember, no contact and the topic of boundaries are very complex and nuanced. As a counselor, I beieve if things are so bad that you need to go no contact, you have probably been feeling hurt and mistreated for a long time. This is not something that happens over night. Getting into counseling during a time like this is pivotal.

No contact is a protective measure but not a decision to be made lightly. Personally, I also believe you should keep an open mind to having people come back into your life. I believe people CAN change.  However, it depends on if authentic change has occurred. But if you see someone has grown, become wiser, is humble, is remorseful, and is mature, then you might want to stick your toe in the water and see how it might go with restoring the relationship. But if you are not seeing that type of evidence, I would be very cautious about letting someone back into your life who has mistreated you. Maybe you then want to put your energy into the people in your life who respect you and treat you well.

If you are struggling with an important relationship in you life and would like to schedule a counseling session with me (AND if you are a reader who lives in New Jersey):

https://anewcounselingservices.com/erin-theodorou%2Cm-ed-%2C-lpc

Erin Doyle Theodorou, M.Ed, LPC, NCC

Anew Counseling Services LLC

617 Oradell Avenue, Suite 3, Oradell, New Jersey, 07649

(551) 795-3822

etheodorou@anewcounselingservices.com

 

counseling, happiness, psychology, self-help

Becoming Your Ideal Self in 2020

Hello, 2020!

We are officially in the kickoff of the New Year. Welcome to the Roaring 20’s!

New Year’s Day can feel surreal. Many of us are probably in the midst of setting our 2020 resolutions. (Or recovering from the night before–a time well spent with family and friends celebrating the end of 2019).

Goals are important. Setting goals give you a long-term vision and short-term motivation. Goals are what move us forward in life.

Personally, I am a big believer in writing down your goals. Research has shown that people who write their goals and dreams down on a regular basis achieve those desires at a significant higher level than those who did not.

I spent some time dedicated solely to jotting lists broken down into categories of different goals: Financial, Career, Health, Emotional Life, New Experiences, Intellectual Life, Relationships, Volunteer, To Do Around House, Family, Life Vision, etc. (Not going to lie, I LOVE making a good list).

Everyone would have different categories based on their life circumstances and values.

a2

It can be an emotional day come January 1st.

Mixed emotions may come about. We may feel overwhelmed about what are realistic, worthy goals to set for yourself.

While hope and motivation may be at the forefront of your mind, for others, there can be something so unsettling about the start of another new year.

Perhaps you are asking yourself, how did a whole year fly by just like that? That in and of itself can feel unreal. Time seems to be moving more quickly with each passing year. It can seem like we were JUST starting 2019 not too long ago. It is a bit wild how the years seem to fly by, blurring together.

For others, they can be facing feelings of melancholy about another year coming to pass. Another year where they did not achieve any of the goals they set out to accomplish. Or a realization that their life has long become stagnant. They cannot remember the last year where they did something new or different. They may feel unmotivated and uninspired realizing they have spent not just the last year but the last SEVERAL years procrastinating their goals. Many goals may have been lost along their journey through life.

The hard pill to swallow is a New Year can bring about the hard realization you may be stuck in a rut. Your life has become stagnant and you didn’t even realize it was happening.

As a therapist, the last couple weeks of the year, I find clients will often share renewed goals for the new year. But more commonly they will share with me the disappointments of the previous year.

Many of us view the beginning of a new year as the best time to make behavioral changes and overcome unhealthy habits. I know I buy into this time of year being an opportune time to catalyze change in my personal life.

Each new year is a blank slate.

Emotionally, a new year can be trying. It can feel upsetting IF we are not any closer to our goals or becoming the ideal person we hold in our mind (we all have this so-called ideal self–possibly a thinner, richer, smarter, more successful, more athletic, more charming, healthier, more ambitious version of ourself). If you feel this way, instead of building yourself up, you may spend New Year’s day beating yourself up over the failures of 2018.

The fact is we can never get rid of ALL the negative aspects of ourselves because those are very real parts of us. We all have parts of ourselves we struggle to accept.

We all have dreams we are chasing whether we share them with others or not.

The end of the year can turn into a tailspin.

Perhaps the last few months you have shelved even TRYING to become the ideal person you hold in your mind.

Perhaps you have even forgotten what your ideal self even looks like.

Yet goals that connect with our “ideal self” are most effective. The New Year presents an opportune time to connect with that ideal self.  When we RESOLVE to change, we feel better—more in control, more hopeful, more confident.

According to Carl Rogers, one of my favorite theorists, we ALL are constantly working towards self-actualization. According to Rogers, self-actualization occurs when we achieve our goals, wishes, desires.

According to Rogers (1959), we want to feel, experience and behave in ways which are consistent with our self-image and which reflect what we would like to be like, our ideal-self.  The closer our self-image and ideal-self are to each other, the more consistent or congruent we are and the higher our sense of self-worth.

But sometimes we lose ourselves on our journey to self-actualization.

This is why counseling can be a great first step to helping you get back in touch with the person you aspire to be. It can help you close the gap between your ideal self and your actual self. It can help get you back in touch with the REAL YOU, not the you who has been operating on auto pilot. A person is said to be in a state of incongruence if some of the totality of their experience is unacceptable to them and is denied or distorted in the self-image (Rogers).

a1111

Steps to Achieving your Ideal Self

1)Reflect on your current self vs. your ideal self. What don’t you like about your current behavior? What accomplishments are you proud of? What are parts of your current self you would never want to change? What are parts of yourself that you have never seemed to be ABLE to change?

You are the life you lead–so choose your path mindfully.

How do you handle adversity? How you handle conflict? Can you keep your cool under pressure? How do you talk to yourself when you mess up?

What standards would you like to uphold going forward? What kind of person would you ideally like to be? Most importantly: WHY is it important to make these changes? Having a strong why is a MUST for lasting change.

2)Reflect on COMPETING GOALS. The fact is many of us have competing goals vying for our attention and time. We need to not be so hard on ourselves when we have to shift focuses. Life is truly a balancing act. It can be hard to strike a balance between being a good parent with a demanding career. Being social while being on a strict diet. Traveling the world while saving money. Managing our various goals can be TOUGH. You need to have flexibility in your expectations depending on what is taking precedence at any given time. Let go of absolutes in your thinking patterns–ALWAYS, MUST, SHOULD, NEVER.

3)What would you do–if money— was not a concern? For many people, money is a defining factor in their life. For others, it is a limiting factor. How differently would you live your life (if different at all) if money was not a factor? The answer can be telling.

4)What do you want people to say about you and your life at your funeral? Great parent? Good friend? Successful? Well-traveled? Kind soul? Did a lot of good for others? No answer is right. But how you answer this question reflects much on what you value in life.

5)Remember you ARE the life you lead. Ask yourself–what is your day-to-day life like now? Are you a dedicated parent? A career driven professional? Someone who makes time for loved ones? A fitness fanatic? Dedicated to healthy eating? Are you kind? Are you thoughtful? Are you having an impact in a positive way the lives of others? Are you well-read? Do you travel? Do you do the right thing? Do you sit by silently when you see someone being mistreated? Do you mistreat others? Do you mistreat yourself?

6)Remember you ARE how you spend your money. Ask yourself–do you value experiences over materialistic objects? Do you pour all your money into living the most extravagant lifestyle you can or do you live below your means saving for the future? Both are reflective of YOU AND YOUR VALUES. Do you spend more than you should? Do you save? OR do you feel well-balanced between the two?

7)Remember you ARE what you eat. Ask yourself—do you eat like you love yourself? Do you far too often indulge in processed food, sugar, and fried food? Are you committed to healthy eating? Are you committed to your health, period?

8)Revise your goals to better reflect your limitations and true capabilities. It is important to be honest with our positive and negative qualities. We ALL have limitations. Often our goals feel because we do not take said limitations into account. Be kind to yourself but be realistic. All unrealistic goals do is set you up for failure (and pain).

Most importantly: Our daily life IS who we are. How do you spend your days? If today, was your last day on Earth, could you say you are proud of the life you led? Are you happy with your day-to-day existence?

These questions may seem like a lot to think about and reflect on. The answers will be unique fo all of us and a reflection of our values. One caveat to keep it mind is we are ALL human. Do not expect to tackle EVERYTHING you set out to do all at once. We cannot expect to be our IDEAL self 100% of the time. Life happens (stress happens). None of us are always in a total state of congruence. If you are feeling overwhelmed, consider speaking with a therapist who can help you unload and process through some of those feelings.

Make 2020 the year you work hard, but work JUST AS HARD on self-compassion and being kind to yourself, as you stumble along the way to achieving your ideal self.

a20000

If you are interested in scheduling a session with me and are a reader living in New Jersey:

https://anewcounselingservices.com/erin-theodorou%2Cm-ed-%2C-lpc

Erin Doyle Theodorou, M.Ed, LPC, NCC

Anew Counseling Services LLC

617 Oradell Avenue, Suite 3, Oradell, New Jersey, 07649

(551) 795-3822

etheodorou@anewcounselingservices.com

counseling, psychology, self-help

Things to Give Up in 2020 IF You Want to BE Happy

As we move into 2020, below is a list of things to give up in the New Year if you want to be happy. If you give up these things, you will experience more satisfaction and peace in your life. Take time to reflect on letting these things go forever.

new year

1)Negative Self-Talk. We all have our own unique “self-talk” and more often than not, as a psychotherapist, I find clients’ self-talk to be negative. People skew reality to be the worst possible scenario and in turn put themselves in a bad mood. I am a big CBT (cognitive behavioral therapy) clinician and truly believe if a person changes their thoughts, they can change their life. If you shift your negative self-talk you can change your world view. Negativity steals happiness out of your life. No one likes to be around a Debbie Downer. No one wants to live inside the mind of a Debbie Downer either.

If you have an habitual inner critic you are likely creating significant stress in your life. This will take a toll on your mind, body, life, and loved ones.  What cognitive distortions do you turn to? Blaming, catastrophizing, personalizing, magnification, all or nothing thinking, jumping to conclusions?

Let 2020 be the year you begin to challenge your negative thinking. Remember thoughts and feelings aren’t always reality. Do reality testing—what evidence is there for and against my thinking? Are my thoughts factual or are they just my interpretation? Am I mind reading what other people are thinking? Am I jumping to negative conclusions? Is there another way to look at this situation? Is this situation as bad as I am making it out to be? What else can this mean? Try to put things in proper perspective for your OWN mental well-being.

2)Unhealthy relationships.  What constitutes an UNHEALTHY relationship? Any relationship that you do not feel respected, accepted, and safe. As we embark on a new year, do not bring unhealthy relationships into the new year. Anyone who lies to you, disrespects you, mistreats you, talks badly about you, makes you feel less than should be left behind in 2019. Life is short and hard enough without bringing people into your orbit who treat you badly. The sad truth is not everyone in your life wishes you well. Time to say adios to people who make you feel like you are hard to love.

new year1.png

3)Gossiping. Stop manufacturing problems (which is exactly what gossiping does).  Complaining, bitching, ripping into other people. Do you truly think HAPPY people act this way? You are only creating misery for yourself by gossiping about others. You cannot feel good about yourself when acting badly. Of course there are certain people who are so toxic that they can bring out the worst in ANY of us (and unfortunately there is usually one of these people in any workplace, family, or social circle). Yet gossiping about everyone and anyone just start conflicts and assassinates other people’s reputation (more often based on lies and exaggerations).  Gossip is destructive to you and your relationships. If you cannot say it to someone’s face, you should not be saying it. Give up petty behavior in the new year and let good vibes flow. You will be a happier, healthier person for it.

4)Criticizing yourself (and others). If you are constantly finding fault with yourself and others, you can ensure you will be unhappy. A negative attitude cannot give you a positive life. We all have flaws and short comings. Are you constantly beating yourself up? Are you constantly criticizing other people’s looks, actions, words, on a regular basis? Unless someone is intentionally trying to hurt you (which sadly some people do have this mean-spiritedness in them), you should try to give people a break. We are all doing the best we can. People like to surround themselves with people who lift them up and make them feel good. When you are overly critical, you are your own worst enemy.

5)People pleasing. It is impossible to please everyone. You can try but you will drive yourself crazy in the process.  Have good intentions towards others but accept that you will not be everyone’s cup of tea. Make peace with this truth. People pleasing is an extremely unhealthy pattern of behavior. It puts a lot of stress and pressure on you. It causes you to seek external validation. True validation MUST come from within.

new years 3

6)Procrastination. Stop waiting on the things you want to happen in your life. Whether that is losing weight, getting a new job, making more money, cultivating healthier relationships. Start today. Even a small step is a step in the right direction.

7)Regret. We all have a few regrets but it does no one any good to focus on what COULD have been. We cannot find happiness in the past. Make peace with your past and begin to work on creating the life you want in the here and now.

8)Comparison. They do not say comparison is the thief of joy for nothing. Social media has given society a look into everyone’s lives but at what cost to our mental well-being? People are constantly comparing their lives to the lives of others. None of us have a perfect life. We all have struggles, difficulties, and pain.  We are all unique and started running the race of life at different starting points. Hence how can we possibly compare ourselves to others?

9)Approval seeking. A truly strong person does not NEED the approval of others any more than a lion needs the approval of sheep. It is also a losing proposition as NONE of us can get the approval of EVERYONE. So why set yourself up for failure? What other people think of you is none of your business. What other people think is more about them than you anyway. The fact is we all have our critics and that is OKAY. Let go of the need to be liked by all if you want to be at peace.

10)Resentment. Nothing eats through the soul like resentment. Boy does it feel good to be self-righteous (as resentment is the ultimate self-righteous emotion). Yet resentment fuels anger and depletes joy. Thus your resentment is ONLY hurting you, not the target of said feelings. You cannot change the past or other people. But you do not need to continue to give your power away to someone. Let it go. Let other people deal with the consequences of their own actions but do not continue to punish yourself for another person’s mistake.

11)The belief you are not good enough. This is self-explanatory. Self-acceptance entails accepting all of you–the good, the bad, the ugly. We all have these components. Make peace with who you are. You are enough. If you feel you are not, it would be wise to get yourself into counseling. No one should go through life feeling less than.

12)Entitlement. The world (and other people) owe you NOTHING. None of us are inherently entitled or deserve more than anyone else. Ask yourself: Do you impose unrealistic demands on your family and friends? Do you feel sorry for yourself? Do you punish people for not doing what you want? Do you see other people as threats or struggle with compromise? If you do, you likely are struggling with a sense of entitlement. Entitlement is a road that leads to misery.

13)Close mindedness. Stop thinking in polarizing ways–black/white, right/wrong, good/bad. There are many ways to view the world and diversity is a part of life. It is a part of the RICHNESS of life. Being rigid in your thinking will cause pain (largely for you but also those you try to impose your inflexible ways on). Learn to go with the flow or accept that you will continue to suffer. By your own making.

14).Anger. Anger really is a self-important emotion. Often what underlies anger are things like wanting your way or believing you are right. The bigger your ego, the more likely you are to struggle with chronic anger. Humble yourself or be humbled.

15)Thinking you are not ready. None of us are EVER 100% ready for a new chapter. We need to learn to feel the fear and do it anyway.

16)Expectations–both your own and other people’s. Unmet expectations lead to a whole host of negative emotions. If you didn’t have expectations, you would just take life as it comes. Without expectations, acceptance of what is would be easier. Other people’s expectations for you are NOT YOUR CONCERN. Unrealistic expectations that you set for yourself? All this does is set you up for disappointment and pain. Stop holding expectations for others–thinking someone will do what is in your best interest, not their own is UNrealistic. Stop holding unrealistic expectations for yourself–all you are doing is setting yourself up for failure.

d1

17)Control. The only control you have is of yourself (and that is hard enough to master)–everything else is out of your control. Don’t worry though–the same holds true for us all. We all are ONLY in control of ourselves. Stop trying to control other people and your environment if you way to live a healthy, happy life. If you don’t like a person or situation— change your attitude or leave the person/situation—all else is MADNESS. You cannot change other people or control the world. But you do not need to subject yourself to people or situations that make you unhappy. Either way, the choice is yours.

18)Resistance to change. Life IS change. Either accept that truism or create suffering for yourself. Change is difficult but pivotal to survival.

19)Limiting beliefs. Stop limiting yourself. What is your life script? What do you believe to be true about yourself, others, and life in general? If you want something to change in your life you are going to need to change. Dream big, work hard.

20)Scarcity mindset. The scarcity mindset in the belief that there is only so much success to go around. This mindset leads to hyper competitiveness and thinking someone else’s success “steals” from your own success. This is complete nonsense. Try to shift to an abundance mindset because when people are genuinely happy for the success of others, their own happiness and success expands.

As this year comes to an end, if you find you are struggling with any of the aforementioned, counseling may be a great investment for the new year. There are many benefits of counseling: greater self-acceptance and self-esteem,  improved relationships, relief from anxiety/depression/other mental health conditions, and ability to overcome self-defeating behaviors. Everyone can benefit from therapy. (I am biased I know).

Wishing you all a Happy and Health 2020, my friends.

To schedule a counseling session with me (AND if you are a reader who lives in New Jersey):

https://anewcounselingservices.com/erin-theodorou%2Cm-ed-%2C-lpc

Erin Doyle Theodorou, M.Ed, LPC, NCC

Anew Counseling Services LLC

617 Oradell Avenue, Suite 3, Oradell, New Jersey, 07649

(551) 795-3822
etheodorou@anewcounselingservices.com

counseling, goals, psychology, self-help

A Different Version of You Exists in the Minds of EVERYONE You’ve Ever Known

a1.png

I have always found it fascinating the way people describe themselves. People’s self-views naturally tend to unfold in conversation. As a counselor, I get a unique opportunity to hear people be very forthright with their self-views, insecurities, and perspectives on self and others.

Personally, I find human psychology and people’s vastly different perspectives FASCINATING. Anyone who knows me knows I ask a fair amount of questions. I ALWAYS want to know more. I love hearing other people’s thoughts and perspectives, as I am curious to how other people think and view the world (explains why I went into counseling!)

Oftentimes, I find it interesting how differently two people can view the same person. It makes sense though because people meet us at different points along our life journeys. We all also bring our own unique lenses to our perspectives and opinions.
As humans, we exist on a continuum. We are certainly not the same person we were today as we were ten years ago, or for many of us, even a week ago, depending on what stage of life you are in.

It is not possible for us to grow in our relationships, careers, our mental and and emotional health, without evolving, whether we want to or not. We are ALWAYS changing–whether that change is progress or regression is a different story.

The fact is people may have one experience with us many years ago, and in their mind, we are the same person we were then, when that is not the reality for us or people that know us today.

The gist of this blog post is that the person you think of as “yourself” ONLY exists FOR YOU.  The fact is every person in your life, every person you ever meet has a different version of “you” in their heads.

We are not the same person to our parents, our siblings, our friends as we are to our coworkers, our neighbors, etc.

Thus, is everybody knowing a different version of you, does anybody really know you at all?

Often, I remind clients I work with that at the end of the day we only have so much control about how we are perceived. We all view life and other people from our unique vantage point. While I think it is important to acknowledge how differently we are perceived by others based on how rare or frequent their interactions with us, it is also important to remember people see us as it convenient for them for whatever narrative is running in their mind. We are often far off in our perceptions of self and others because of our own biases and NEED to view life in a certain way. 

I truly believe that the version of ourselves that exists in our minds is most important. We must live with ourselves day in and day out. We lack any control over how other people choose to view us, so it is a complete waste of time to concern ourselves with other people’s biased perceptions. That being said I find it helpful to also be mindful that our view of another may not be entirely accurate but tainted by our own biases.

The point is there is going to be choices and decisions we make that we will deem the right choice and acceptable, whereas others will deem unacceptable and inexcusable. I often help clients accept this truth especially teens and young adults who are struggling with their parents’ disapproval.

Part of human nature is trying to simplify complex, nuanced aspects of life, no matter how complicated the issue. Yet life is complicated and messy.

So, think about who you want to be. To yourself but also to others. What impact do you want to have? Our actions have ripple effect on everyone around us. Even the type of day we are having can have an impact on how someone else views us because that just happens to be the mood, we are in.

In counseling, many people want psychological advice. Many times, complaints are focused on relationship partners, family members, and coworkers, but hidden underneath it all is the question, “WHY DO I PUT UP WITH THIS?” But the deeper question is, “What kind of person am I to be in this situation?”

I always tell clients the key to be any meaningful change is answering the salient question of what kind of person do you want to be. There is ALWAYS a choice. The answer you give entirely depends on you.

To schedule a counseling session with me (AND if you are a reader who lives in New Jersey):

https://anewcounselingservices.com/erin-theodorou%2Cm-ed-%2C-lpc

Erin Doyle Theodorou, M.Ed, LPC, NCC

Anew Counseling Services LLC

617 Oradell Avenue, Suite 3, Oradell, New Jersey, 07649

(551) 795-3822

etheodorou@anewcounselingservices.com