I often use object relations theory to help clients better interact with the “problem” people in their lives. It’s a complicated theory and I focus on one particular concept that fosters improved understanding of how others operate. This is helpful because almost everyone who comes into my counseling office can admit to having a person in their life they view as a “problem.”
The theory posits that our relationship skills in adulthood are strongly rooted in our early childhood relationships with our primary caregivers, particularly our mothers. Hence why it is often helpful to explore our childhood relationships as they pertain to current relational problems. Sometimes, clients show resistance to looking back in their personal histories, yet often it is required, if we are to effectively move forward in our lives.
A real life application: Have you ever wondered why you always tend to date the same type of person? Or why you always end up having the same argument about the exact same topic again and again with your partner? Or why you are always concerned about what others think of you, even if they are friends who reassure you and treat you with respect? These repeating patterns in relational life are a common occurrence, and many therapists believe that the reason for these patterns is hidden in our childhood experiences.
Often we position ourselves as separate and above in our relationships. We attempt to control our partners, our kids, our bodies, and even the way we think (“I will not be such a Debbie Downer”). Take a step back, and you’ll see that running your relationships from a place of control and power is crazy. Even with that awareness, the minute the emotional temperature begins to rise, more reactive parts of the brain take over, and that is precisely the model we revert to: “I’m right, and you’re wrong. You win, and I lose. I can let you in, or I can protect myself.”
We need a paradigm shift. Stop a minute and think about people you know and how you feel around them. If you feel seen, heard and valued by someone, they probably have an view of you as a unique, separate person from themselves (good object relations). These people are able to integrate the good and bad aspects of others including themselves. However, if you feel unseen, unheard and devalued, they probably objectify you (poor object relations). These people often are splitters, seeing others as “all good” or “all bad.”
The truth is we can not undo our childhoods, but we can understand them now from our adult perspective. Understanding object relations theory and how it shapes the way you show up in your relationships can be a good first step to more fulfilling relationships. In turn, we can see these relational patterns for what they are deeply ingrained habits, and begin to change them.
Erin Theodorou, M.Ed, LPC, ACS, NCC 