Author: Erin Theodorou

M.Ed.,LPC, NCC

How to Protect Yourself from Dramatic, Negative Behavior

by Erin Theodorou, posted in counseling, psychology, self-help

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Today is Election Day.

As our country continues to become more divided and filled with ongoing conflict, I felt a post on how to mitigate dramatic, negative behavior (your own and other people’s) would be warranted. We are live in an EXTREMELY divisive society. It is important to know how to deal with people who live to manufacture drama in their lives AND yours!

The thing about our society is people have become very rigid in their views of the world. If you disagree with their way of thinking, they perceive you as the enemy. “Agreeing to disagree” seems to be a mindset of yesteryear.

In counseling we call this all-or- nothing (black and white) thinking. It is one of the faulty cognitions I work with clients on. It has become a very common way of thinking in our country—we see things in polarizing terms: good vs bad, right vs wrong, friend or foe, love vs hate,  on our side or against us, and so on and so forth. People no longer even ATTEMPT to find any common ground. “You are either with me or against me” is a common mindset in our society.

We need to do better. Life is much more nuanced than this simplistic form of thinking. Yet while we cannot control what goes on out there, we can control what goes on within US.

If you don’t protect your peace of mind, you will end up detesting life and resenting other people for your circumstances. We see this play out every day in the political arena.

Negative emotions are spiraling out of control across all walks of life. Being cynical is the norm. The ability to keep things in perspective and look at the bigger picture seems to be challenging for many.

As a clinician, I often have clients who come in to session keyed up who just dump their negative emotions out onto me.

This is an appropriate time and place for venting such feelings. Counseling is a place to process and release whatever it is you are feeling with a trained, mental health professional.

It is NOT appropriate to dump your negative emotions on people in your day-to-day life. This is a toxic way to act and behave. All too often this is happening in our culture–people offload their negative emotions onto anyone who will accept such behavior. In our political climate, politicians go after their opponent on a personal level instead of the policy.

This example set forth by our country’s leaders spills over into how our society as a whole conducts itself. 

This is why having healthy boundaries is more important than ever.

As a mental health professional, I have developed strong boundaries to not internalize what clients bring into session. It is important to not take on clients’ emotional state as to not burnout and protect my OWN mental health. I need to be able to leave work at work.

In life, we also need to be able to have good boundaries to not take on other people’s “stuff.” Nowadays far too many people find it acceptable to take out their negative state of minds on undeserving targets.

Maybe this topic is resonating with you. You may encounter, far more often than you care to admit, people who live for drama. People who are overly dramatic can be a drain on our time, energy, and mental well-being.

Dealing with dramatic behavior can be quite a downer.

You likely know exactly what I mean by overly dramatic behavior – it’s loud, aggressive, childish, intense, inappropriate, or any over the top emotional reaction. It frequently includes  yelling, gossiping, “emotional dumping”, crying, and acting like everything is a crisis.

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These people are the worst. Their behavior is emotionally and mentally exhausting. It is YOUR job to protect and guard yourself from these characters.

There are people who live for the control drama.  A person like this is likely feeling small and powerless in their own lives. Thus they try to manipulate and steal the positive energy of another. Control dramas emerge when someone tries to gain power or energy from another person and to essentially, “get their way with others.”

These types of personalities get their way with others by making their target pay attention to them and then attempt to elicit a certain reaction to make themselves feel fulfilled and powerful. Do any recent political debates come to mind? A few certainly do for me. This type of behavior comes from people who feel VERY powerless in their own lives. They may have money, status, and all the traditional markers of success–yet are very unhappy on a PROFOUND level.

For these drama makers, their positive feelings are won at the expense of the other person. These personality types like their to be imbalance and drama in their interpersonal relationships. They live for it! They love having someone (or something) to complain about, vent about, gossip about!

If there is not something readily apparent, these types will create the drama. After creating such a hostile environment, they will more often than not BLAME you if you are their target of blame. Look at our politicians on both sides of the aisle and you will get some great examples of people who LIVE for drama and attention.  (Mind you, these personality types tend to lack self-awareness for how they conduct their lives–throwing bombs and acting like the victim when confronted by their OWN abhorrent behavior. Reflect on some politicians at the forefront of our political landscape RIGHT NOW).

How do we protect ourselves from other people’s drama?

  1. Accept you are NOT going to change these types of people. You can’t change people who do not see an issue with their actions.  You CANNOT control what other people do but you can limit the role they play in your life. You also get to control how you respond. You need to cultivate the ability to not be baited into other people’s drama. You are wasting your time trying to explain yourself to people who are committed to misunderstanding you. People who truly care for you will want to hear how you feel and work on the relationship. If someone does not care about you, there should be no need to waste your energy on them. Keep it moving.
  2. Recognize when YOU are creating drama. Are you looking for attention and excitement? Bored a bit in your monotonous life? Be careful. Those mindsets can lead you astray into the world of “drama.” If you find a lot of drama is ever-present in your life, you need to look at the one constant: YOU. Helpful tips-Don’t give unsolicited advice. If someone does not ask for your opinion, do not just offer it up. Avoid inserting yourself into situations that do not directly involve you. Do not triangulate with people who are in conflict. All you are doing is creating drama for yourself. Listen I get it. I have done it myself from time to time in moments of extreme frustration. Or in trying to be a good friend. I have learned people’s actions may frustrate me but I gain nothing from letting my emotions lead my response. I also can see how other people use their emotions to bully and manipulate–once you are cognizant of this fact, you crease feeling the need to react at all.                                If I share with someone how I feel and they attack me, I do not engage any further. I already have my answer from their reaction. The situation need not go any further. I walk away from people who are not mentally and emotionally capable of mature relationships. If you get into a back and forth with people, you are in actual creating your own drama.
  3. Don’t feed into other people’s drama. Gossip. Third party conversations.  Learn to speak less and listen more. Be an observer–not everything needs your reaction. Don’t let people bait you into heated debates where each side digs their heels in deeper. It is a big waste of time.
  4. Physically remove yourself from the drama. Some people will never stop creating problems for themselves and you if you continue to associate with them.  Keep friendships with people who have good, positive energy and do not CREATE drama.
  5. Anticipate difficult people AND situations. Take inventory of people who leave you stressed and unhappy. Refuse to talk about sensitive topics with people who are known for the ability to stir the pot and amp up the drama. Ain’t nobody  got time for that.
  6. Stay in your own lane. If you are busy watering your own grass, you do not have time to worry about whose grass is greener now do you? Minding your OWN business is the #1 best strategy to avoiding drama. Life is too short for this type of nonsense.
  7. Remain emotionally detached from other people’s opinions of you. If you derive your sense of happiness and self-worth  from your own internal metrics and values, you become immune to the opinions of others. When you are happy in your own skin, other people’s opinions cannot impact your happiness because you are in control of how you feel about yourself.   Know this.  When mentally strong people feel good about something, they do not let the spiteful or shallow comments of others take that away from them. I am not saying you should automatically stop speaking to someone who is talking negatively about you. Give them a chance to make it right. Speak to them about it—you will get your answer about how to proceed in the relationship by how they react to you making them aware that you know how they have been speaking about you to others. If they make excuses, refuse to apologize or take ownership, or attack you more—you are likely dealing with a dramatic individual.
  8. Be calm and don’t engage. Dramatic people are looking for a reaction–sympathy, compliments, some type of reward, to blame shift. Do not reward their bad behavior. Setting boundaries will be paramount as will enforcing said boundaries.

I hope these suggestions will help you protect yourself from whoever in your life lives and breathes for drama. Most of us have the same basic need and desire to get along with others and live a drama free life. Don’t let negative, dramatic people steal your peace and joy.

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Your turn…

Have you been a target for a Drama Queen or King? Is your good-nature being abused because you’ve been inadvertently reinforcing their behavior? Do you have a personal story you’d like to share about dealing with dramatic people?  What helps you stay immune to the negativity that surrounds you?  Leave a comment below and share your insights and thoughts.

To schedule a counseling session with me (AND if you are a reader who lives in New Jersey):

https://anewcounselingservices.com/erin-theodorou%2Cm-ed-%2C-lpc

Anew Counseling Services LLC

617 Oradell Avenue, Suite 3, Oradell, New Jersey, 07649

(551) 795-3822
etheodorou@anewcounselingservices.com

 

Why You Should Try Meditating: Time to Take Yourself Less Seriously

by Erin Theodorou, posted in counseling, psychology, self-help

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Are you someone who takes yourself VERY seriously?
Are you very identified with your mind and the thoughts you think?
Do you mistake feelings as facts?

Are you someone who feels you can’t GET control? Or do you struggle to LET go of control?

Maybe, you should give meditation a try.

Meditation helps the mind be flexible and understand that our notions of ourselves and people around us are more fluid than most realize.

You see meditating helps us to see our thoughts are just that—thoughts. We all think a bazillion a day–some rational, some irrational, some negative, some positive.

Mental health issues, such as anxiety and depression, tend to arise when we identify a bit TOO much with our thoughts and our mind. When we take our thoughts AND ourselves TOO seriously.

Personally, other people’s “thoughts” don’t bother me–but our actions and behavior have real world consequences. We are all free to “think” whatever we want, but how we behave towards ourself and others has consequences.

Our behavior stems from our thoughts. Thus if you want better results in your life, in whatever capacity that may be, you are going to need to change HOW you think and perceive your thoughts.

You see you are free to choose but not free of the consequences of said choice.

Becoming aware of your thought processes through the act of meditating can stop you from an acting in a destructive manner to your self and others.

The sad reality is so many people are psychologically and emotionally unconscious.

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Meditation gives you perspective. You begin to be cognizant of the fact there are different people, different perspectives, and different demands in life. What may be true for you, may not be true for me. This is not about right or wrong, a label that is derived in our MIND. This is about just what is.

When people try to “tell me how it is” I know that they are too identified with their ego. Emotional and psychological maturity entails a discovery that how it is is very much a subjective truth. You can’t tell me how it “is” because how it is for me is not something you have experienced. All you can do it tell me how you are (which most likely is close minded if you go around telling people how it is but that is a topic for another day 😉 ).

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Meditating can help you become aware of the thoughts you think and how you subconsciously may be letting your mind work on “auto-pilot.”

This shift can help your tremendously…if you allow it.

Everything changes. Our thoughts are ever-changing, our feelings, our emotions–all constantly evolving as we evolve through life.

In life–everything is temporary. We start to lose our ability for joy and happiness when we take our thoughts and selves so seriously.

Life is NOT as serious as we make it out to be.

Meditation helps us see the transcendentalist nature of life.

Below I share with you an interesting, brief clip of Eckhart Tolle on our addiction to thinking.

To schedule a counseling session with me (AND if you are a reader who lives in New Jersey):

https://anewcounselingservices.com/erin-theodorou%2Cm-ed-%2C-lpc

Anew Counseling Services LLC

617 Oradell Avenue, Suite 3, Oradell, New Jersey, 07649

(551) 795-3822
etheodorou@anewcounselingservices.com

 

Panic Attacks: When We Fear Our Fear

by Erin Theodorou, posted in counseling, psychology, self-help

Imagine…your heart is pounding. You suddenly feel like you can’t breathe. You wonder if you are dying and feel like you are going CRAZY.

This, ladies and gentlemen, is what it feels like to have a panic attack.

A panic attack is a sudden episode of intense fear that triggers severe physical reactions when there is no real danger or apparent cause. Panic attacks can be very frightening. When panic attacks occur, you might think you’re losing control, having a heart attack or even dying.

What You Feel

A panic attack means you experience some of these following symptoms (from WebMD):

  • Feel like you’re losing control or going crazy
  • Pounding heart
  • Sweating
  • Trembling or shaking
  • Shortness of breath
  • Chest pain
  • Nausea
  • Dizziness
  • Chills or hot flashes
  • An out-of-body sensation
  • Like you’re choking
  • A fear that you’re dying
  • Tingling or numb hands, arms, feet, or legs

While extremely unpleasant, panic attacks are NOT life threatening.

As a clinician, I can see the anxiety become palpable as my clients describe this debilitating disorder to me in great detail. Panic disorder has a way of making someone live in terror of the next attack. You see the thing about people who suffer from panic disorder is they begin to fear their fear. A panic attack is an extreme form of fear that causes physical and physiological symptoms. But a panic attack is not physically or medically dangerous. You are not in ANY danger of dying when you suffer from a panic attack but in that moment you truly may think you are dying. It is THAT psychological painful.

Panic attacks can lead you to constrict your life out of fear of having an attack in a place where you perceive there to be NO escape. Unfortunately, when I work with people who suffer from panic disorder, I often see symptoms of agoraphobia present as well. I will see people refuse to drive, refuse to leave their house without a “safe” person with them (someone they can turn to for help if a panic attack arises), struggle with social situations out of fear of having an attack in front of people, refuse to be in crowded places such as malls and concerts, and be afraid of any activity that reminds them even remotely of their panic attacks.

This is no way to live.

Panic disorder is NOT a life sentence.

People who struggle with this disorder start to limit their worlds: being particular with where they will go and what they will do. They try to be as “safe” as humanly possible.

Vigorous exercise may become a no go because the rising heart rate reminds them of their last panic attack when their chest was POUNDING. Caffeine is treated like it is poison because of the jittery, sweaty, high blood pressure feeling it produces which brings about a flashback of their last panic attack. Going into a hot tub and starting to sweat? No way—I can pass out in here and drown, they may tell them self.

One’s thoughts become increasingly irrational with panic disorder.

Anything that produces symptoms similar to a panic attack (increased heart rate, sweating, shortness of breath) will be avoided at all cost. Driving on the highway where you can’t get off an exit for another THIRTY miles? NO WAY. I am not getting STUCK.

The thing is the fear of being stuck and or in a place of no escape is a form of “internal” claustrophobia~existing in one’s mind and not in the external world.

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You see panic disorder and agoraphobia go hand-in-hand.

IF you suffer from panic attacks on the regular, you may begin to fear you have will have another attack at the worst possible moment. In the middle of a presentation at work, waiting on-line at the store, driving on a bridge, flying where there is no perceived escape, at a social gathering–embarrassing yourself in front of many with nowhere to hide….

These fears can be so powerful you can begin to plan your life around them—allowing your range of experiences to become smaller and smaller. Your world becomes limited.

What can you do if you suffer from panic attacks?

Consider seeking treatment immediately. This is not something you should struggle through on your own. Counseling can help you with coping skills, relaxation techniques, and help you become cognizant of how one’s thoughts can amp up our body’s fight/flight response.

You see a panic attack is a response to something we view as threatening–even if in actual there is NO REAL DANGER FACING US. We can be triggered by other people, certain places, or the mere thought of facing down our fear.

During a panic attack, our body’s alarm response is triggered even in the absence of real danger.

Remember, you can overcome your panic disorder. When we avoid panic or treat it like our enemy, it will in turn ONLY get stronger. Don’t run away from that which you fear–it will only strengthen it. Accepting you struggle with anxiety is the first step to becoming better.

Acceptance drops our resistance.

Be gentle and kind to yourself. Don’t judge and criticize yourself for panicking. This will only make your more susceptible to an attack.  YOU ARE NOT WEAK.

This disorder is HIGHLY responsive to treatment. Taking care of your mental health should always be a top priority. 

And remember…this too shall pass. What you resist will persist. Do not try to fight the feelings of anxiety and panic.

Stay calm.

Breath through the thoughts and feelings.

Remember: 1) You are not going to die; 2) This is a panic attack and it WILL end — it will not go on forever; 3) Work to calm your baseline anxiety which will help reduce the severity and the duration of the panic attack — going to a quiet place, focusing on regulating your breathing, stating over and over again, even if you don’t believe it, “I will be okay, this too shall pace, I am safe.”

You WILL come out on the other side.

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Below I share with you a TED talk from my fellow UDEL alum, Summer Beretsky, on the struggle of dealing with anxiety & panic disorder.

 

To schedule a counseling session with me (AND if you are a reader who lives in New Jersey):

https://anewcounselingservices.com/erin-theodorou%2Cm-ed-%2C-lpc

Anew Counseling Services LLC

617 Oradell Avenue, Suite 3, Oradell, New Jersey, 07649

(551) 795-3822
etheodorou@anewcounselingservices.com

 

Adverse Childhood Events: How a Rotten Childhood Can Linger On

by Erin Theodorou, posted in counseling, parenting, psychology, self-help

Happiness, trust, love, self-worth, the ability to be open and vulnerable–all can be lost through the ordeal of a bad childhood.

Often in therapy sessions, many adult patients trace their current struggles back to their childhood. Some people really struggle with moving pass their formative years if they experienced pain and adversity. Freud famously posited that our lives are pretty much determined by events in our early childhood. We all know counseling gets a bad rap for its tendency to blame parents for all the problems a person has long into adulthood.  To state the obvious– the case can be made that blaming parents for adult problems in a cop-out. It is of course easier to blame your parents than take personal responsibility. At some point, it is fair to say, whoever we are and whatever we may have experienced, we do need to let it go. Unfortunately, this is easier said than done for those who experienced childhood as unstable and uncertain.  The wounds of a rotten childhood can be all but healed. The pain of the past haunts many who walk among us.

Anger taken too far is often at the center of many therapy sessions. As a clinician I have seen people express deep-seated anger at their parents (and I am talking well into middle age). From my experience as an in home counselor for a mental health agency, which is often mandated counseling, I also got to see firsthand the impact traumatic events had on the development of children. Many children who experienced trauma during their formative years developed debilitating anger. How this anger presented varied but the impact being detrimental to a client’s mental health would always hold true. I often wondered how these experiences would impact these youngsters in their adulthood, long after I would be gone from their lives.

Growing up with unstable parents is inevitably hard. Living in an unpredictable home environment can be severely traumatizing. It is all to easy to blame one’s upbringing for the problems that follow us through life.

Parents are an easy target to dump blame on. I struggle as a clinician to pinpoint down an exact age where parents need to stop being so central to treatment–is it by college? One’s 20s? 30s? Never? There is no clear-cut answer. And while it is not beneficial to blame your parents for all your problems, there’s no doubt that parents and other caregivers are pivotal figures in a child’s development. We also can see for some people, the impact is still very much present in their adult lives. The effects of a difficult childhood can linger long after it is over.

Our early childhood experiences do shape us to a large extent. For many of us our earliest memories are positive–times filled with great love and affection from our parents or caregivers. Many of my earliest memories in life are of much affection from my parents and of me constantly asking my father, “UP” (up as in to carry me around because I loved being carried by “daddy”–probably a bit passed the age I should have been asking!) These are fond memories I hold dear and the feelings of love from that time I can still feel within me.

Children need to feel loved and valued. If they don’t, it will almost certainly impact their mental health and well-being.

Yet the sad reality is many people experience disruptive and harmful events that hinder their psychological and emotional development. Example of such events include parental divorce, death of a parent, frequently moving and switching schools, abuse (physical, mental or emotional), parental mental illness, and poverty.  Many times childhood adversities are interrelated. For instance, a parental divorce can lead to a change in socioeconomic status for many families. Research has found that people who experienced “ACEs” are at a much greater risk to develop mental health issues in adulthood include being a greater risk for suicide.

ACEs are “adverse childhood experiences” that can bring on struggles for a person in their adulthood. ACE is well-studied part of developmental psychology. Sadly people with a history of ACEs often pass on the dysfunction to the next generation. These are events beyond a young person’s control. Many times in transgenerational family therapy the counselor examines the interactions of clients across generations as a method to understand and explain current problems within the family system, as well as predicting future difficulties. A genogram can map out family relationships across the generations.

I copied and pasted below a Adverse Childhood Experience questionnaire for you to take to see how many you may have experienced.

While you were growing up, during your first 18 years of life:

1. Did a parent or other adult in the household often …
Swear at you, insult you, put you down, or humiliate you?
or
Act in a way that made you afraid that you might be physically hurt?
Yes No If yes enter 1 ________
2. Did a parent or other adult in the household often …
Push, grab, slap, or throw something at you?
or
Ever hit you so hard that you had marks or were injured?
Yes No If yes enter 1 ________
3. Did an adult or person at least 5 years older than you ever…
Touch or fondle you or have you touch their body in a sexual way?
or
Try to or actually have oral, anal, or vaginal sex with you? Yes No If yes enter 1 ________

4.Did you often feel that …
No one in your family loved you or thought you were important or special?
or
Your family didn’t look out for each other, feel close to each other, or support each other?
Yes No If yes enter 1 ________
5. Did you often feel that …
You didn’t have enough to eat, had to wear dirty clothes, and had no one to protect you?
or
Your parents were too drunk or high to take care of you or take you to the doctor if you needed it?
Yes No If yes enter 1 ________
6. Were your parents ever separated or divorced?
Yes No If yes enter 1 ________
7. Was your mother or stepmother:
Often pushed, grabbed, slapped, or had something thrown at her?
or
Sometimes or often kicked, bitten, hit with a fist, or hit with something hard?
or
Ever repeatedly hit over at least a few minutes or threatened with a gun or knife?
Yes No If yes enter 1 ________
8. Did you live with anyone who was a problem drinker or alcoholic or who used street drugs?
Yes No If yes enter 1 ________

9. Was a household member depressed or mentally ill or did a household member attempt suicide?
Yes No If yes enter 1 ________
10. Did a household member go to prison?
Yes No If yes enter 1 ________
Now add up your “Yes” answers: _______ This is your ACE Score

Many people may take this questionnaire and answer one or none. Other people, regardless of race, socioeconomic background, or gender, may find themselves checking off yes to quite a few adverse childhood events.

So why does this matter?  For one, such adverse events impact the development of one’s identity which takes place across the lifespan. If you experienced the aforementioned events in childhood, most likely basic survival took over for you, which impedes the normal development of self.  Worse as a child we have no frame of reference. Thus one experiences this dysfunction as normal because the behavior of their caregivers is all they know. Often people get stunted at the age of said trauma. That is why as a therapist we may diagnose someone at being at the emotional development of a 12-year-old yet their chronological age is 45.

The task of identity development is challenging enough in and of itself when one comes from a safe, secure, upbringing. If one is struggling with the after effects of development trauma, the process will be especially difficult to master. The adult consequences of trauma are vast–often resulting in substance abuse issues, depression, anxiety, behavioral issues, difficulty in personal relationships, and difficulties with maintaining employment. Often our childhood trauma impacts the way we are effectively able to parent out own children.

Furthermore, we see broken adults come from homes where abuse-physical, emotional, mental was present and are more likely to develop complex post traumatic stress disorder (cPTSD).

Complex Post Traumatic Stress Disorder (cPTSD) is characterized by difficulties with emotional regulation, consciousness and memory, self-perception, difficulties in relationships with other people, distorted perceptions, and negative effects on one’s  life.

Even if you find you have not experienced the adverse childhood events of the questionnaire, none of us grow up unscathed from pain and hardship, in whatever form it presents in your life. Learning how to deal with negative emotions and experiences are a part of growing up. You grow up every day, no matter what your age.

No matter what your past, it is NEVER too late to better your life with positive experiences and overcome the long shadow of childhood adversity. Don’t get stuck in the past which hinders your ability to live the life you want in the present. It is important to remember even in adulthood such events can be remedied. Counseling can help you to process and overcome the trauma of one’s childhood. Often we need to work through the pain in order to release it. Repressing it, denying it, or suppressing our feelings will not remedy the situation. If you are willing to put in the work, you can tap into your inner resiliency and lead a happier, healthier life.

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Am I a Good Parent?

by Erin Theodorou, posted in counseling, parenting, psychology, self-help

Have you ever asked yourself….am I a good parent?

I think we would be hard pressed to find a parent who doesn’t from time to time question their parenting abilities.

It is a question most if not all parents WANT an answer to.

Parenting is not something you get a lot of feedback on. In our culture, many parents, appear annoyed or peeved by other people correcting their children, let alone commenting on their parenting.

Even if the feedback is coming from the MOST innocuous source it tends not to be well received. I have had grandparents share with me they want to give some feedback to their child about their grandchild and parenting, but fear being lashed out at or their child getting mad at them for voicing their concerns. It seems, as parents, there is no one we really feel comfortable with giving us constructive feedback on our role as mom or dad. Which is understandable. It is easy to be hypersensitive about our parenting. There is nothing more personal and meaningful.

Yet the lack of feedback we get as parents make it hard to know if we are on the right track with raising our children.

Maybe just maybe we will never know if we are doing a good job as parent until our children are grown. Maybe the best indicator of how well we did as parents is how our adult children FEEL about us. And at that point we are done in the functional sense of being a parent.

The culture of parenting has certainly changed with the passing of generations who assume the role.

The sad truth is in our society parenting has become very competitive in nature. Something about having kids seems to bring out this competitive streak. Wisdom long-held that having children made you a better person. Yet it seems in recent times in many ways parenting has made us worse people due to the competitive nature in which our society now raises children. Instead of a communal endeavour where we focus on what is best for ALL the children in our community, the culture has shifted to where many parents focus on how to give their kid the edge over other children in the community. We don’t want a level playing field but we aim for our child to have a leg up on other children.

No longer does it take a village to raise a child.

We even see such competition play out in families. Siblings who are competitive with each other’s children–competing over whose child walks first, reads first, gets better grades, is better at sports, reading two grade levels ahead, etc. It is disheartening when such competition exists in the family unit.

The way we as a society view the role of a parent has changed. The expectation has changed dramatically from a couple of generations ago. Maybe the shift started with the famous Dr. Spock and his book on child rearing practices–treating the child as an “individual.”

In the day and age, we parent not just competitively but in a very child centric way. The family oftentimes is centered around the children and their schedule.

Even social media has changed the way we as a culture parent–we see the highlight reel of everyone else’s parenting–well, at least we see the good—- most people do not seem to share the bad and the ugly (although I would definitely “love” a status of, “My kid won’t listen for shit today and is acting like a total spoiled brat.” It would be so refreshing. Who doesn’t love people who keep it REAL?!)

But rarely do people post about their child’s setbacks or struggles (“My son was sent to the principal’s office today for the 5th time this month”–yet to see that one up on Facebook).

Instead it would appear, social media is a way as parents we get to compete with our “friends” to see who is doing the BEST job as a parent–posting picture after picture of our child–gauging our parenting success in likes, loves, shares, retweets, reposts.

Our kids even ask, “Mom, are you going to post this on Facebook?” It is like we have them programed to strike a pose and get those likes.

Personally, I love seeing pictures of all my friends’ children. I am a compulsive “liker.”

Yet while social media has its benefits, it is also it is a great way to get hurt and offended. Such as when you post a picture of your kid eating leftover Halloween candy for breakfast and your “friend” comments they would never feed their kid candy for breakfast. Good for you SUSAN.

We open ourselves (and our children) up to comments when we post about them on social media.

As parents we post pictures of our children winning awards, getting trophies, getting on the honor roll.

No longer are such accolades just shared with close family and friends like they were a mere generation ago.

It is a different time now that we are raising children in. The values we hold have changed. Parents want their children to ACHIEVE and get recognition from a very young age.

Many want their child to be a star. A top student. A great athlete. Special. Superb musician. Voracious reader. Anything but ordinary.

Largely this is a reflection of our increasingly cut-throat society. We live in a fast paced, ultra competitive world. We want our children to be successful and from a young age we are training them to compete in an intensely competitive, globalized world.

As a counselor, I see a common measure of how good parents feel about how they are doing being measured by what their kids are accomplishing.

Checklist:

High honor roll=I am doing a great job as a parent

National Merit Scholar=I am doing a great job as a parent

Making the Varsity team freshmen year=I am doing a great job as a parent

Getting into first choice college=I am doing a great job as a parent

We look at our kids’ accomplishments as a reflection of AND on us. It validates us that we are doing a great job and raising our children right. Yet this is not universal seal of approval on good, effective parenting. (Also, if we look at our kids’ accomplishment as reflection of AND on us, do we not also have to do the same with their struggles and failures? This pendulum has to swing both ways, right?)

Our kids are NOT extensions of us. They are individuals with minds of their own, interests of their own, and personalities of their own. We should not try to control our children or mold them into what WE want them to be. If we do this, we are essentially putting on our children our own baggage, our own hopes, our own fears, our own dreams. That is when we begin to blur boundaries. This is when we become enmeshed.

More importantly our ultimate goal as parents is to raise people who can function independently and think for themselves. A large part of becoming an adult is DIFFERENTIATING from your parents. We all remember when broke free from our OWN parents.

The competitive, all-consuming, child centric nature of parenting comes with so many detriments to our children’s mental health. It leads children to struggle with self-worth, anxiety, depression, self-efficacy, and a myriad of mental health issues. I see it every day as someone who works in mental health.

As a counselor, I have had teens share with me how frustrating it is how everything they do is repeated by their parents to their friends or family. Often on social media. From their perspective this is strictly for the purpose of bragging rights. “My mom has to brag about my GPA. Or if we won the game. Or post what colleges I am applying to. It is so annoying!” End quote. I don’t blame the kid for feeling this way as it turns the pressure on high.

I think if we are honest with ourselves we can see this current parenting culture puts a lot of undue pressure on children.

As a parent, you try your best. There is no perfect parent. Children do not need perfect parents they need happy, stable parents.

We also do not need perfect children. If we want our children to be happy, we need them to empower them to feel free to be happy on their own terms.

I share below with you a wonderful TED talk on how to raise SUCCESSFUL kids without over-parenting. Our children deserve the freedom to explore who they are not, make mistakes, and realize they can fall AND get up ON their OWN.

 

To schedule a counseling session with me (AND if you are a reader who lives in New Jersey):

https://anewcounselingservices.com/erin-theodorou%2Cm-ed-%2C-lpc

Anew Counseling Services LLC

617 Oradell Avenue, Suite 3, Oradell, New Jersey, 07649

(551) 795-3822
tamanna@anewcounselingservices.com