counseling, happiness, psychology, self-help

Not Everyone Wants to Be Happy

One of the most common goals people express is their desire to be happy.

As Americans, our Declaration of Independence speaks to our  right to the “pursuit of happiness” ie our RIGHT to chase whatever our subjective happiness may be. We have a right to PURSUE happiness but obtaining it is not a given.

As a culture, we spend boatloads of money trying to figure out what EXACTLY personal happiness means to us. For Americans, happiness is almost an OBSESSION. The desire for it is woven into the fabric of our culture but in other parts of the world happiness is held in less esteem.

Often people turn to counseling with the objective “to be happier” at the end of the treatment process. Many of us search for happiness like the holy grail.

But happiness as a goal is not desired by all. The truth is not everyone wants to be happy.

Now many people would deny that being the case. I find most people readily admit to others they WANT to be happy. But their thoughts and actions denote otherwise.

People often destroy their own happiness.  THEY themselves destroy it. It can be painful to watch someone behave in such a self-destructive manner.

It plays out in a familiar fashion.

People hold onto relationships (romantic, familial, friendships) that make them feel bad. People continue in jobs that make them miserable. People give their power away to others–allowing other people to make them feel less than or ruin their days. People treat others poorly then wonder why they are lonely. People hold onto bad habits at the expense of their mental and physical well-being.

People negatively judge others. People negatively judge themselves. They think they need to be perfect to be loved. They seek the approval of others but do not give such approval to themselves.

People commonly obsess about the past. People often worry about the future. People frequently ruminate over things they can’t change–namely anything in the external world outside of themself.

People let their ego grow out of control. People procrastinate their ambition. People keep toxic people in their life. People continue being their own worst critic. People push people they love away.  People give up before they even start.

The truth is many people at a certain point in life settle. People settle for a life that does not bring them the happiness they desire. The moment a person chooses to settle is the moment them begin a slow death on the inside.

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As a counselor, if a client tells me that want to be happy, my automatic response is, WHAT does happiness mean for you? Because the truth is happiness can look quite different depending on who you ask. Happiness is not one universal outcome.

So why isn’t someone happy with their life?  The answer is often simple. Many people are not happy because they don’t really want to be. 

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I am not talking about people who have extenuating tough life circumstances: homelessness, unemployment, cancer, clinical depression, etc. I am talking people with no EXTREME trying life circumstance in their current day-to-day life.

I believe many of us know someone on paper who has no reason to be unhappy-financial secure, healthy, good relationships, etc. But when you are around them, you can tell you are in the presence of a person who is unhappy despite seemingly positive circumstances.

Many of us scratch our head to understand why someone who seemingly has it all going for them seems so UNHAPPY.

Of course, we never know what mental health struggles a person is facing behind closed-doors.  And for those people we should have the utmost compassion.

But for other people…they are not happy because they are pursuing conditional happiness. Conditional happiness is everything goes your way and you are happy. Almost everybody attempts to do it this way but this approach doesn’t work.

Just think about it. As soon as one thing does NOT go your way, which is inevitable, you will be unhappy. Thus the odds of being happy from a mindset of conditional happiness is low. There are too many external factors we cannot control.

Unconditional happiness–having the mindset that you will be happy DESPITE the fact everything does not go your way. This is more conducive to living a fulfilling life. You will be happy FOR THE MOST PART no matter WHAT because your happiness is not dependent on the outside world to affirm it.

Can you tolerate that? Can you feel a sense of happiness REGARDLESS of what is going on in the external world? Can you feel happy even if you do not like the circumstances of the outside world?

If you are dependent on the external world to be a certain way to be happy, you are going to live a very unhappy life. We need a cultivate a sense of happiness that is not dependent on the external world complying with our wishes. Having rules and conditions on other people, on outside circumstances, and the world at large is a recipe for UNhappiness.

Tell me if this sounds familiar…

Do you ever say to yourself, “I will be happy WHEN……fill in the blank” (when I lose weight, when I get that promotion, when my son graduates high school,  when my parents get along, when my spouse retires, when I have enough money in my bank account, etc.).

If you are living with a “I will be happy WHEN” mindset you will NEVER be happy.

You are creating dogmatic rules for what you need to be happy, many of which are dependent on other people OR the external world to give it to you.

The key to overcoming this approach is to focus on WHY you need certain things to be a certain way to ALLOW yourself to be happy. You can live your whole life waiting on circumstances to align and the day will never come. Putting your happiness on hold is doing a disservice to you and YOU alone.

Some tips to help you:

1)Remind yourself of all the blessings in your life. Too often we focus on the one thing we DON’T have instead of all the things we DO have. “First world problems” is something I will say to myself when I find  myself getting down on something that on a global scale is irrelevant.

2)Remember at any time you can lose one of the blessings YOU do have. Someone you love. Your job. Your health.  We need to start appreciating the IMPERFECT things we do have while we still have them. Life throws curveballs.

3)Disengage from people who steal the happiness you DO have. The Negative Nancy. The Debbie Downer. The Sour Sally. The Judgmental Jane. Pretty much anyone who does not seem to wish you happiness (in all likelihood they do not wish happiness for themselves either). Make sure you surround yourself with a good support system.

4)Don’t let disappointment destroy your happiness. We all get disappointed from time to time. It is an unfortunate part of life. Check your expectations and see what role you had in setting yourself up for said disappointment. Let go of hurt, unfulfilled expectations, and disappointment. You are not doing this for the outside world but for YOU. Do not give your happiness away to anything OUTSIDE of YOURSELF. Take positive steps to improve but enjoy yourself in the process.

The question is DO YOU WANT TO BE HAPPY? Or do you want to continue to live your life with conditional happiness? The choice is yours.

The bottom line is this: YOU and YOU alone are responsible for the conditions of your life. So instead of putting your happiness on hold, find opportunities to be more fulfilled. Not tomorrow but TODAY. If there are not opportunities, CREATE opportunities. Life, as we all have heard, is more about the journey than the destination.

Stop waiting for circumstances to be “just right” to allow yourself to be HAPPY.

And if you need help with this, counseling is a great place to start on your journey to unconditional happiness.

If you are interested in a counseling session with me:

https://anewcounselingservices.com/erin-theodorou%2Cm-ed-%2C-lpc

Located in Oradell, NJ

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counseling, goals, prosocialbehavior, psychology, relationshipadvice, relationships, self-help

10 Habits of Highly Miserable People

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It is often said that happiness is a choice. For a miserable person, they often choose to make themselves (and those around them) miserable.

The unfortunate reality is not everyone wants to be happy. Most people with such a disposition never seek mental health treatment. They do not think they are the problem but the problem is “out there” ie in the external world.

Miserable people often have a woe is me attitude. This victim mentality grates on those around them. This mentality is exhausting to be around. Miserable people are often allergic to responsiblity.  A miserable person believes people are always out to get them.  They often portray themselves as victims who should be rescued, deserving of our sympathy and attention.

Below are some common ways you can spot a miserable person:

1)They love to blame others. Miserable people are often martyrs—it works as a get out jail free card for taking responsibility for their own life. They love to make themselves miserable under the guise of “helping” others. Having a martyr complex essentially involves pointing the finger at other people or situations in your life and blaming them for your disappointments, unhappiness, and emotional turmoil. The reality is no one is responsible for your disappointments, unhappiness, and emotional turmoil EXCEPT you. We all experience these feelings, but we must learn to process our feelings and move on. Miserable people like to stay stuck in the cycle of blame.

2)They love to pick fights. Miserable people love to make other people miserable. Misery loves company right? People who are constantly unhappy love to take it out on other people. Some people are disputatious and repel people with their snarky comments, rude remarks, and negative demeanor.  If antagonistic behavior is an ongoing thing with someone, you are likely dealing with an habitually MISERABLE person.

3)They will get involved in other people’s drama. Miserable people often feel their life is boring. How do they spice it up? By getting involved in the drama of others. (Some go as far as to create drama between others to watch it unfold). Miserable people find drama energizing. Happy people tend to disengage from drama and the people who create it. For miserable people, drama is a way of life.

4)They always expect the worst (of themselves, others, and life in general). Life sucks and all the worst thing that can happen, happens to them, is the mantra of a miserable person. Miserable people often expect the worst of everyone even the people they claim to love. They think other people have bad intentions toward them. The truth is most people don’t have bad intentions but are flawed people. You can always tell a person with bad intentions because when called on their behavior, it gets worse NOT better. They will get more aggressive, more demeaning, more negative.

5)They hate people. This kind of follows from #4. All of us experience negative thoughts from time to time. But a miserable person will make it known how much they despise their fellow-man (which in all likelihood includes you). A miserable person never has a good thing to say about anyone. People are the worst, people are selfish, people are liars, are common refrains from a miserable person.

6)They are selfish. Miserable people put themselves first (but project that other people are selfish, ironic I know). A miserable person drives people away from them because of their negative behavior. Life is hard enough, most people don’t want to spend their time with a Debbie Downer. Miserable people only care about themselves and their own troubles. Only their perspective matters.

7)They are envious of other people. A miserable person is NEVER happy for someone else. Miserable people think someone else’s success or good fortune takes away from them. They view life as a zero sum game due to their scarcity mindset. Miserable people do NOT have an abundance mindset that there is enough love, success, and resources to go around. For them, life is dog eat dog.

8)They hate change. Miserable people hate anything new or different. Change requires effort and miserable people usually don’t want to step outside of their comfort zone. Miserable people will complain about feeling “stuck” but will refuse to do anything to change their circumstances.

9)They love to complain. Complaining is their favorite pastime. This ties in with the blaming, playing victim, and seeking attention/sympathy while playing the role of martyr.  Chronic complainers seek validation and sympathy from those around them. Woe is me. For chronic complainers, every person, every situation, is an opportunity to go on a fault-finding mission.

 

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10)They never do anything to improve their life. Most miserable go through life stagnant. The game of life is too hard so they refuse to play. Yet they resent people who are still IN the game.  The only game a miserable person plays is the blame game. Miserable people are addicted to unhappiness and it becomes a way of life for them.

What are some common root causes of a miserable personality?

  • Low self-esteem
  • The appeal of martyrdom
  • A belief that being miserable is inevitable
  • Underlying depression and anxiety
  • Feeling trapped by your circumstances
  • Living with chronic stress
  • Resistance to being healthy–physically, mentally, and emotionally

The truth is our thinking creates our feelings. If you are chronically unhappy, you need to take a look at your self-talk and how you think about others and relate to the world. If someone or something is truly making you unhappy, you can leave the relationship or situation. 

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Living in the free world, the truth is we ALWAYS have a choice. It may not be an easy choice or a simple solution. Yet you have the freedom to not need to tolerate mistreatment or miserable circumstances. 

If you find your struggling with feelings of misery or a miserable person in your life, counseling may be a great place to begin the journey to a happier life.

To schedule a counseling session with me (AND if you are a reader who lives in New Jersey):

https://anewcounselingservices.com/erin-theodorou%2Cm-ed-%2C-lpc

Erin Doyle Theodorou, M.Ed, LPC, NCC

Anew Counseling Services LLC

617 Oradell Avenue, Suite 3, Oradell, New Jersey, 07649

(551) 795-3822
etheodorou@anewcounselingservices.com

 

 

 

counseling, psychology, self-help

The Importance of Being Independent and Taking Ownership of Your Life

As a society, we have become very dependent on other people.

Of course, when we are children we have to rely on others. Children need others to provide food, shelter, safety, and the right environment for them to grow and achieve their potential. We organically become more independent as we progress through life. Yet some people never fully transition to self-reliance and total independence. They go from depending on their parents to depending on their partner or some other close relationship in their life.

The truth is as a culture we have a tendency to rely on others far more than it is necessary.

Depending on your life circumstances, you may be dependent on people for emotional support. Or financial support. Or for your sense of self.

Perhaps you are someone who seeks the approval of others. Or needs to be in a relationship to feel okay. Or your financial well-being is dependent on your parents or your spouse.

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At certain developmental stages and life stages, certain dependence is appropriate. For instance during adolescence, it is appropriate to seek approval of others as it is part of growing up. Anyone who studied Piaget knows about the imaginary audience and personal fable of adolescence. Teens may mistakenly believe that everyone around them is watching and judging them, scrutinizing their every move, and can become painfully self-conscious as a result.  But this is a phase we all experience (although some people never seem to outgrow it).

There is also nothing wrong with moving back in with your parents after college while seeking employment or staying home with your kids when they are young and depending financially on your partner. Or when you reach your golden years, depending on the assistance of others to help you, is often needed. Different life circumstances can create extenuating circumstances where we need to depend on the support of others.

Yet over the course of life, being independent, is vital to being a well-rounded, healthy functioning person. Being independent means being able to take care of your own needs and to make and assume responsibility for your decisions while considering both the people around you and your environment.

self-re·li·ance

noun

reliance on one’s own powers and resources rather than those of others.

Being independent and able to support yourself, in all aspects of life, remains the cornerstone of a well-adjusted person. Independence refers to all aspects of your life including financial, career, emotional, personal beliefs and values.

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 It is extremely empowering knowing that you are in control of your own life and your own choices.  Financially, emotionally, mentally, spiritually. You do not need the validation or support of others to be okay. Human nature being what it is, you may prefer it, but you do not NEED it.

There are many forms of dependence on others people struggle with but some of the most common include codependency, financial dependency, and emotional dependency. Often times such issues are what lead people to come to counseling. 

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Signs of codependency include:

  • Having difficulty making decisions without advice and reassurance from others
  • Having difficulty assuming responsibility for your life
  • Having difficulty communicating in a relationship
  • Having difficulty disagreeing with others out of fear
  • Valuing the approval of others more than valuing yourself
  • Lacking trust in yourself and having poor self-esteem
  • Having fears of abandonment or an obsessive need for approval
  • Having difficulty starting projects or doing things on your own
  • Having an unhealthy dependence on relationships, even at your own cost
  • Having anxiety or negative feelings when alone
  • Having an exaggerated sense of responsibility for the actions of others
  • Having difficulty managing and defending personal boundaries

Signs of financial dependency:

  • You feel resentment or anger because the money you receive seems to come with strings attached, but you’re too scared of being cut off to say anything.
  • You have never been able to financially support yourself through your own endeavors
  • You lack even the most basic financial know-how, such as how to balance a checkbook or read a bank statement
  • You’re in a physically or verbally abusive relationship, or you’re simply unhappy with your living situation, but you worry you won’t be able to support yourself if you leave
  • You lack self-confidence and ambition and are scared you can’t support yourself
  • You have no idea what your family income level, net worth, or cash flow is

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Some symptoms of emotional dependency:

  • Constant and obsessive need to be close to other people
  • Constant insecurity about the future
  • Feeling of not being good enough to be with the other person
  • Obsessive fear of losing love
  • Constant feeling of guilt if they don’t pay total attention to their partner
  • Acceptance of psychological and physical suffering, for fear of losing the relationship
  • A constant and dominant feeling of anxiety

Many forms of dependence can lead to emotional distress. 

At the end of the day, you only have yourself to fall back on, so it is a must to be able to handle things on your own. All relationships end at some point or another, that is an inescapable truth. You never know when someone you depend on may pass away. Or leave. In life, anything is possible. 

Many people do not want to make choices on their own because they do not want to be responsible for the outcome. Taking responsibility can be terrifying. It is easier to blame others than to take ownership.

Taking ownership means embracing your power to create your own future.

As a clinician, many people come to counseling because they are unhappy about a certain aspect of their life. Yet before a person can change, they must take ownership that their choices and behavior that has gotten them to this point.  It is NOT the same thing as taking blame.

Taking ownership means you have CONTROL over your life.  Until you take ownership for your actions or failures, it’ll be very difficult for you to develop self-respect or even have the respect of others.

A person cannot be independent and simultaneously not take ownership for their life. Everything in your life requires you to take ownership: the good, the bad, the ugly.

A lot of people don’t want to hear this truth. I hear clients offer up excuses in sessions time and time again for an aspect of their life they find undesirable. We all indulge in this from time to time but at the end of the day everything in your life is a result of the choices you have made.

Your finances…your responsibility

Your relationships….your responsibility

Your health…..your responsibility

Your career….your responsibility

Your (underage) kids…..your responsibility (once they are adults, THEIR responsibility)

Your happiness….your responsibility

Your peace of mind….your responsibility

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To take responsibility for your life, is to take responsibility for your thinking, feeling, speaking and acting. You create your life with your thoughts, feelings, words and actions.

Stop blaming your partner, parents, economy, your upbringing for your misfortune.

Stop complaining. Complaining is another form of blaming and playing victim as if you have no choice. If you do not like something, leave the situation, change the situation, or accept it.

Realize happiness is an inside job.

Be the gatekeeper of your life and refuse to have a rerun of the same bad  behaviors, thoughts, and experiences of yesterday if they do not get you want you want in life.

When you take responsibility for your life and experience, you step into a place of calm confidence. When you are independent, you feel calm because you know that you are consciously in charge of yourself and that you can choose how you respond.

Standing on ones own feet is important. If you feel this is a struggle for you, counseling may be a good place to start the process of becoming more independent.

To schedule a counseling session with me (AND if you are a reader who lives in New Jersey):

https://anewcounselingservices.com/erin-theodorou%2Cm-ed-%2C-lpc

Erin Doyle Theodorou, M.Ed, LPC, NCC

Anew Counseling Services LLC

617 Oradell Avenue, Suite 3, Oradell, New Jersey, 07649

(551) 795-3822
etheodorou@anewcounselingservices.com

 

counseling, goals, psychology, relationships, self-help

Things to Give Up in 2019 If You Want to Be Happy

As we move into 2019, below is a list of things to give up in the New Year if you want to be happy. If you give up these things, you will experience more satisfaction and peace in your life. Take time to reflect on letting these things go forever.

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1)Negative Self-Talk. We all have our own unique “self-talk” and more often than not, as a psychotherapist, I find clients’ self-talk to be negative. People skew reality to be the worst possible scenario and in turn put themselves in a bad mood. I am a big CBT (cognitive behavioral therapy) clinician and truly believe if a person changes their thoughts, they can change their life. If you shift your negative self-talk you can change your world view. Negativity steals happiness out of your life. No one likes to be around a Debbie Downer. No one wants to live inside the mind of a Debbie Downer either.

If you have an habitual inner critic you are likely creating significant stress in your life. This will take a toll on your mind, body, life, and loved ones.  What cognitive distortions do you turn to? Blaming, catastrophizing, personalizing, magnification, all or nothing thinking, jumping to conclusions?

Let 2019 be the year you begin to challenge your negative thinking. Remember thoughts and feelings aren’t always reality. Do reality testing—what evidence is there for and against my thinking? Are my thoughts factual or are they just my interpretation? Am I mind reading what other people are thinking? Am I jumping to negative conclusions? Is there another way to look at this situation? Is this situation as bad as I am making it out to be? What else can this mean? Try to put things in proper perspective for your OWN mental well-being.

2)Unhealthy relationships.  What constitutes an UNHEALTHY relationship? Any relationship that you do not feel respected, accepted, and safe. As we embark on a new year, do not bring unhealthy relationships into the new year. Anyone who lies to you, disrespects you, mistreats you, talks badly about you, makes you feel less than should be left behind in 2018. Life is short and hard enough without bringing people into your orbit who treat you badly. The sad truth is not everyone in your life wishes you well. Time to say adios to people who make you feel like you are hard to love.

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3)Gossiping. Stop manufacturing problems (which is exactly what gossiping does).  Complaining, bitching, ripping into other people. Do you truly think HAPPY people act this way? You are only creating misery for yourself by gossiping about others. You cannot feel good about yourself when acting badly. Of course there are certain people who are so toxic that they can bring out the worst in ANY of us (and unfortunately there is usually one of these people in any workplace, family, or social circle). Yet gossiping about everyone and anyone just start conflicts and assassinates other people’s reputation (more often based on lies and exaggerations).  Gossip is destructive to you and your relationships. If you cannot say it to someone’s face, you should not be saying it. Give up petty behavior in the new year and let good vibes flow. You will be a happier, healthier person for it.

4)Criticizing yourself (and others). If you are constantly finding fault with yourself and others, you can ensure you will be unhappy. A negative attitude cannot give you a positive life. We all have flaws and short comings. Are you constantly beating yourself up? Are you constantly criticizing other people’s looks, actions, words, on a regular basis? Unless someone is intentionally trying to hurt you (which sadly some people do have this mean-spiritedness in them), you should try to give people a break. We are all doing the best we can. People like to surround themselves with people who lift them up and make them feel good. When you are overly critical, you are your own worst enemy.

5)People pleasing. It is impossible to please everyone. You can try but you will drive yourself crazy in the process.  Have good intentions towards others but accept that you will not be everyone’s cup of tea. Make peace with this truth. People pleasing is an extremely unhealthy pattern of behavior. It puts a lot of stress and pressure on you. It causes you to seek external validation. True validation MUST come from within.

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6)Procrastination. Stop waiting on the things you want to happen in your life. Whether that is losing weight, getting a new job, making more money, cultivating healthier relationships. Start today. Even a small step is a step in the right direction.

7)Regret. We all have a few regrets but it does no one any good to focus on what COULD have been. We cannot find happiness in the past. Make peace with your past and begin to work on creating the life you want in the here and now.

8)Comparison. They do not say comparison is the thief of joy for nothing. Social media has given society a look into everyone’s lives but at what cost to our mental well-being? People are constantly comparing their lives to the lives of others. None of us have a perfect life. We all have struggles, difficulties, and pain.  We are all unique and started running the race of life at different starting points. Hence how can we possibly compare ourselves to others?

9)Approval seeking. A truly strong person does not NEED the approval of others any more than a lion needs the approval of sheep. It is also a losing proposition as NONE of us can get the approval of EVERYONE. So why set yourself up for failure? What other people think of you is none of your business. What other people think is more about them than you anyway. The fact is we all have our critics and that is OKAY. Let go of the need to be liked by all if you want to be at peace.

10)Resentment. Nothing eats through the soul like resentment. Boy does it feel good to be self-righteous (as resentment is the ultimate self-righteous emotion). Yet resentment fuels anger and depletes joy. Thus your resentment is ONLY hurting you, not the target of said feelings. You cannot change the past or other people. But you do not need to continue to give your power away to someone. Let it go. Let other people deal with the consequences of their own actions but do not continue to punish yourself for another person’s mistake.

11)The belief you are not good enough. This is self-explanatory. Self-acceptance entails accepting all of you–the good, the bad, the ugly. We all have these components. Make peace with who you are. You are enough. If you feel you are not, it would be wise to get yourself into counseling. No one should go through life feeling less than.

12)Entitlement. The world (and other people) owe you NOTHING. None of us are inherently entitled or deserve more than anyone else. Ask yourself: Do you impose unrealistic demands on your family and friends? Do you feel sorry for yourself? Do you punish people for not doing what you want? Do you see other people as threats or struggle with compromise? If you do, you likely are struggling with a sense of entitlement. Entitlement is a road that leads to misery.

13)Close mindedness. Stop thinking in polarizing ways–black/white, right/wrong, good/bad. There are many ways to view the world and diversity is a part of life. It is a part of the RICHNESS of life. Being rigid in your thinking will cause pain (largely for you but also those you try to impose your inflexible ways on). Learn to go with the flow or accept that you will continue to suffer. By your own making.

14).Anger. Anger really is a self-important emotion. Often what underlies anger are things like wanting your way or believing you are right. The bigger your ego, the more likely you are to struggle with chronic anger. Humble yourself or be humbled.

15)Thinking you are not ready. None of us are EVER 100% ready for a new chapter. We need to learn to feel the fear and do it anyway.

16)Expectations–both your own and other people’s. Unmet expectations lead to a whole host of negative emotions. If you didn’t have expectations, you would just take life as it comes. Without expectations, acceptance of what is would be easier. Other people’s expectations for you are NOT YOUR CONCERN. Unrealistic expectations that you set for yourself? All this does is set you up for disappointment and pain. Stop holding expectations for others–thinking someone will do what is in your best interest, not their own is UNrealistic. Stop holding unrealistic expectations for yourself–all you are doing is setting yourself up for failure.

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17)Control. The only control you have is of yourself (and that is hard enough to master)–everything else is out of your control. Don’t worry though–the same holds true for us all. We all are ONLY in control of ourselves. Stop trying to control other people and your environment if you way to live a healthy, happy life. If you don’t like a person or situation— change your attitude or leave the person/situation—all else is MADNESS. You cannot change other people or control the world. But you do not need to subject yourself to people or situations that make you unhappy. Either way, the choice is yours.

18)Resistance to change. Life IS change. Either accept that truism or create suffering for yourself. Change is difficult but pivotal to survival.

19)Limiting beliefs. Stop limiting yourself. What is your life script? What do you believe to be true about yourself, others, and life in general? If you want something to change in your life you are going to need to change. Dream big, work hard.

20)Scarcity mindset. The scarcity mindset in the belief that there is only so much success to go around. This mindset leads to hyper competitiveness and thinking someone else’s success “steals” from your own success. This is complete nonsense. Try to shift to an abundance mindset because when people are genuinely happy for the success of others, their own happiness and success expands.

As this year comes to an end, if you find you are struggling with any of the aforementioned, counseling may be a great investment for the new year. There are many benefits of counseling: greater self-acceptance and self-esteem,  improved relationships, relief from anxiety/depression/other mental health conditions, and ability to overcome self-defeating behaviors. Everyone can benefit from therapy. (I am biased I know).

Wishing you all a Happy and Health 2019, my friends.

To schedule a counseling session with me (AND if you are a reader who lives in New Jersey):

https://anewcounselingservices.com/erin-theodorou%2Cm-ed-%2C-lpc

Erin Doyle Theodorou, M.Ed, LPC, NCC

Anew Counseling Services LLC

617 Oradell Avenue, Suite 3, Oradell, New Jersey, 07649

(551) 795-3822
etheodorou@anewcounselingservices.com

counseling, goals, psychology, regrets, relationships, self-help

Regret: Are You Living or Merely Existing?

Who among us can say they have lived a life without ANY regrets?

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I would be suspicious of anyone who says they do not have at least a few regrets to their name (if they are passed a certain age that is).

Regret is an emotional state I wish on no one. Yet regrets are inevitable in life as we are all fallible human beings who make mistakes.

Thus maybe the best we can hope for in life is to have the right regrets.

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We are in the full swing of the holiday season. The holidays are a time of retrospection. If one struggles with regret, this time of year, it is sure to come to the surface.

Regret is common. Whether we acknowledge our regrets, to ourselves or others, is a separate issue.

Every one of us make mistakes in life. We ALL veer off course, make blunders, and fail. It’s is human nature.

Regret is a negative state that entails blaming ourselves for a bad outcome, feeling a sense of loss or sorrow at what might have been or wishing we could undo a previous choice that we made. 

Regret can be beneficial. It can push you to take corrective action–to attempt to right a past wrong. But some times there is no making right certain actions previously taken….and if that is the case you are likely to have chronic stress and ruminate over the past.  It is hard to move on when you cannot correct the mistakes of the past. In life, we don’t always get do-overs. This feeling of powerlessness and helplessness to change the past is one of the most horrendous aspects of regret.

We may regret how certain relationships unfolded. Most likely we will feel regret if our actions are to blame. Whether through not making the effort to stay in touch or from burning bridges. Inaction and undesirable action can both lead to feelings of regret.

Many of our chosen behaviors can lead to regret. Telling lies. Taking your loved ones for granted. Damaging a work relationship by blurting out something in the heat of the moment. Not following through on a promise to a client. Acting out our anger. Putting pride before those we care for.  Putting work before family. Putting our kids before our marriage. Perhaps we deny others happiness.  Or deny ourselves happiness. We may act against, not for other people. All sources of great regret later in life.

The thing is you see you reap what you sow. We all have the freedom to choose but we are not free from the consequences of those choices. This includes the emotional consequences of our choices.

Often times in counseling, I see people firsthand, face up to the emotional consequences of how they choose to live their life.

Regret comes from how we choose to live our life. Choices we made. Behaviors we executed. Or failed to execute. Regret is a painful emotion to face.

Here is a great article on the difference between regret vs. remorse.

https://www.psychologytoday.com/us/blog/stop-caretaking-the-borderline-or-narcissist/201507/regret-vs-remorse

Our regrets may arise from living unconsciously. We forget to live in the moment. We follow the goals set forth for us by our parents, society, anyone BUT us. We live a life pretending to be someone we are not. We do not stand up for ourselves or others. We disregard our health and wellness. We hold ourselves back. We refuse to let go. We resist change getting ourselves stuck while the rest of the world moves on.

Sadly as people we are not very good at predicting what will bring us most happiness in the future. We are not able to accurately think about our future selves (hence why so many people do not plan for retirement or watch their weight/monitor their health–because their future selves do not seem REAL to them).

In Daniel Gilbert’s book Stumbling on Happiness, Gilbert shows how terrible we are at predicting what makes us happy. If you don’t listen to your own deepest values, one day you’ll regret having taken life too seriously and worrying too much about what others think. You will regret living a life that was not true to who you are.

Regret arises when we engage in forms of self-sabotage.

How do we self-sabotage? Procrastination. Acting out our anger. Self-injury. Comfort eating. Avoiding the doctor. Inaction. Self-medicating. The list goes on and on.

Just because we are adult does not mean our dreams just go away. Yes, we get older and our priorities and responsibilities change, but we still have things we want to be and goals we want to fulfill. We all have an idealized version of our self in our mind,  and while we will never be able to achieve every goal we imagine, we can’t even begin to approach our ideal self without giving it a try.

So…what does YOUR ideal life look like?

If you had a second chance at life, what would you do differently?

It is never too late.

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So take a moment to reflect.

What goals have you never been able to pull the trigger on? What dreams have you started to pursue only to quit? People are far more resilient than we give ourselves credit for.

What people do you regret losing touch with? What bridges did you burn that you regret? People are amazingly forgiving, especially if you take all of the right steps, to rectify such behavior.

Counseling can be a helpful avenue to pursue to help you or someone you know cope with feelings of regret. When people spend years fixating on a regrettable choice they often need professional help to move past it, and seeking counseling can help people talk through, understand, and move beyond regret.

It is time to take responsibility for your own life and your own happiness.  All the often we merely exist instead of live. We all have hopes, dreams, and things we’ve always wanted to do in life, but we put them off until “tomorrow.” And tomorrow often never comes. Everyone experiences challenges, but we all have choices. It is up to you to get the ball rolling. Or live with regret. The choice is yours.

Ask yourself. Are you LIVING or merely EXISTING?

To schedule a counseling session with me (AND if you are a reader who lives in New Jersey):

https://anewcounselingservices.com/erin-theodorou%2Cm-ed-%2C-lpc

Anew Counseling Services LLC

617 Oradell Avenue, Suite 3, Oradell, New Jersey, 07649

(551) 795-3822
etheodorou@anewcounselingservices.com