goals, happiness, psychology, self-help

Are You Comfortable with Being Uncomfortable?

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Are you comfortable with being uncomfortable? For many people, the answer is a resounding NO.

Many of us prefer the easy road.  We fear change, so we don’t push ourselves to the next level. We possess a natural proclivity to stick with the status quo, to resist the unknown, to stay comfortable.

Yet discomfort as a natural part of the human experience. If you’re uncomfortable with discomfort, you probably run away from uncertainty and change.  But the fact is in today’s world you can’t run away from change!  Change is all around us-everything in life is fluid.

We exist in an increasingly fast paced world. You either evolve or let the world pass you by.

If you can’t force yourself out of your comfort zone and embrace the discomfort of change, you will remain stuck. We all have people in our lives who fight like hell to maintain the status quo– people who have not evolved in ANY sense of the word—in 5, 10, 15, 20, sheesh in some cases even 30+ years.

There is no growth without change.  The question is do you want to grow? Do you want to make progress in your life–in your career, your relationships, your health, your finances, your personal development? Or do you want to stay in the same exact place you were for many, many years?

It is easy to look at the people in our lives and see who IS changing and growing. We can just as easily look at the people around us and see who is the poster child of stagnation. Yet it is much tougher to take a good, long, hard look at ourselves.

Ask yourself–what has changed in your life since last year? Five years ago? Ten years ago? If you find the answering to this is “not much” this may be indicative that your growth game is NOT strong. If you stop growing, you are going to be unhappy.

The thing that often stops people from growing is their disdain of discomfort.

The truth is people often bolt at the mere sign of discomfort. But when you hide from the tough issues, you may play it safe and refuse to take risks.  You may steer clear of difficult conversations at home and at work.  Afraid of conflict, you may fail to challenge yourself or others, to greater performance and a better life. But when you expect discomfort as a natural part of life you do not overreact to it.  You are not thrown off by it. The real issue facing our society is many people feel entitled to not feel any discomfort in their lives. 

Being able to sit with your own feelings of discomfort without ACTING on them is a sign of emotional maturity.

Most people can’t even tolerate being uncomfortable for short amounts of time. This is why we see people disappear into forms of escapism and distraction— eating, drinking, drugs, drama, all kinds of addictions, or abusive behavior.

How often do we let discomfort stop us from being who we truly are or from living the life we dream?

Many of us are driven by the need to be comfortable at the expense of all else. There are people who crave security and certainty even if this consists of compromising on other goals they may have.

Many of us never even try because we are afraid to even start.

Because we all KNOW starting can suck. Whenever you start something new, it sucks. Not always, but quite often. You are the new guy at work, it sucks. You are the new student in school, it sucks. You are moving across the country to start anew, it sucks. You start a diet, it sucks. You start working out, it sucks.

Anything outside of our comfort zone can seem daunting.

A comfort zone is a beautiful place, but nothing ever grows there.

Growth requires change. It requires discomfort. Ask yourself: are you comfortable with being uncomfortable? Can you go through the growing pains and make it out to the other side?

If you are going to win at this game we can life, it’s all about not letting your discomfort make you throw in the towel, not start the race, or give up in the middle.

You’ll get comfortable with being uncomfortable when you realize that pushing pass those feelings of discomfort and leaning into the discomfort is where you feel the most genuinely alive.  

You will also be able to handle WHATEVER life throws at you. Being comfortable with discomfort is the cornerstone of self-efficacy.

If you find you struggle with being uncomfortable and see it have a negative impact on your life, counseling may be a place to start processing through those feelings.

To schedule a counseling session with me (AND if you are a reader who lives in New Jersey):

https://anewcounselingservices.com/erin-theodorou%2Cm-ed-%2C-lpc

Erin Doyle Theodorou, M.Ed, LPC, NCC

Anew Counseling Services LLC

617 Oradell Avenue, Suite 3, Oradell, New Jersey, 07649

(551) 795-3822

etheodorou@anewcounselingservices.com

 

 

 

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counseling, goals, happiness, psychology, Uncategorized

Everything Can Change, If YOU Can Change

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Change.

Many people HATE change. They fight it like hell. Resist it at ALL costs.

We all know people who will do ANYTHING to preserve the status quo.

But you can’t avoid change. The problem with hating change is life is FILLED with it.

Everyone, from every walk of life, must deal with change.

Change is always happening, but the way people react to change can be very different. Some people respond with fear, others respond with denial, others RELISH change.

What about you? How do you handle change?

Are you someone who puts off changes that you know need to be made?

Do you resist change to your own detriment?

Are you a person who creates opportunities for change because you view change as growth?

As humans, we are designed as a species that can adapt to all sorts of environments. If we weren’t CAPABLE of coping with change in all likelihood, we would be extinct.

For some people, they are not against change. But they may resist BEING changed.  It is the source of the change that matters to them.  Some people do not like change that is imposed on them—by say a boss, spouse, or some other external source.

Some people don’t mind change...depending how big the change is.  Perhaps they can change a small aspect of their life but anything they deem to big and threatening is out of the question.

The truth is we all HAVE different thresholds when it comes to our ability to adapt to change. What I can handle you may not be able to handle or vice versa. Being averse to change or embracing it is a very subjective experience.

It all comes down to how comfortable you are with uncertainty.. Ask yourself–would you rather be WRONG or UNCERTAIN?

Some people say better the devil they know because the risk of uncertainty is too UNCOMFORTABLE for them to handle. Even when on an intellectual level a person knows uncertainty also comes with the chance of things being BETTER.

Below is a quiz I came across, that takes only a couple minutes, to get a sense of how much change you feel comfortable with:

https://www.leadershipiq.com/blogs/leadershipiq/122984769-quiz-how-do-you-personally-feel-about-change

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If you find you want to change or need to change but have not been able to bring yourself to do so, you may benefit from working with a professional counselor.

Counseling can help you step out of your comfort zone to a more fulfilling, happier life. As you change your behavior, you identity starts to shift.  Our identity is NOT fixed, we are all capable of changing for the better.

The question is are you READY for a change?

To schedule a counseling session with me (AND if you are a reader who lives in New Jersey):

https://anewcounselingservices.com/erin-theodorou%2Cm-ed-%2C-lpc

Erin Doyle Theodorou, M.Ed, LPC, NCC

Anew Counseling Services LLC

617 Oradell Avenue, Suite 3, Oradell, New Jersey, 07649

(551) 795-3822

etheodorou@anewcounselingservices.com

counseling, goals, happiness, prosocialbehavior, psychology

Get Over Yourself: Why You Need to Free Yourself of Self-Importance to Live a Happy Life

 

I am NOT that important.

The show WILL go on WITH or WITHOUT me….that is fact.

And it liberating to know this. The truth will set you free!

Is it me or do people seem more self-important than ever lately? I feel this plays a role in the high state of anxiety our society lives and breathes in. Being self-important is a sure-fire way to be high-strung and easily triggered. It takes A LOT of energy to keep yourself at the center of the universe (I am exhausted at the mere thought).

The truth is nobody is watching you. Nobody is spending all day thinking about you. Very few people even care about you except for close family, friends, your significant other. Why such a seemingly harsh statement? Because you’re not that important (trust me, nor am I)! It is a tough but important message to hear if you want to be happy and emotionally healthy.

Self-importance can become a source of tremendous angst and unhappiness. Self-consciousness can create an obsession with how we appear to others, what they think of us, and with our image.

I have counseled people who are paralyzed by their self-consciousness and pervaded by self-important cognitions. When a person is self-conscious, they think as though they are on stage, and the audience (ie other people) are scrutinizing their every step.

Being self-conscious can limit our ability to enjoy the moment and express ourselves fully.  Cognitive behavioral therapy is really helpful in overcoming such a faulty thinking pattern.

Moreover, a colleague of mine recently shared a TED talk with me on freeing yourself of self-importance as a precursor for living a happy life. I copied the link to the TED talk above and found it to be an interesting talk to invest the 17 some odd minutes in.

Basically, the bottom line is you need to “get over yourself” if you want to be a happy person.

Usually when we hear the expression get over yourself we think of a self-absorbed jerk who is being inconsiderate of everyone around them–acting as if they are MORE important than others.

Yet we have ALL seen self-importance in action. It is the mother at the airport standing with all her and her children’s bags in the middle of the moving sidewalk, oblivious to those behind them who may need to pass. It is the person in the waiting room loudly chatting on their cell phone completely ignoring the NO CELLPHONES IN WAITING ROOM sign. The driver leaning on her horn because someone in front of her remains stopped when the light turns green—to allow a pedestrian to finish crossing. The colleague who takes credit for all apparent successes and blames others for all failures. It is the friend who talks twenty minutes nonstop about themselves without asking you how YOU are.

These scenarios are increasingly common in our day-to-day life. Yet can you recognize when you are in fact the offending party in said scenarios?

Getting along and getting ahead requires playing well with others, either in cooperation as friends, family, spouses, teammates, and coworkers. Yet many people struggle with doing just that. Our day-to-day life is filled with thoughts about what others may be thinking, what others may be doing, trying to figure out WHY someone said this or did that.

Yet how often do you ask yourself what effect YOUR words and actions are having on those around you? Healthy relationships require that you do just that. We are, by default, the center of our world.  Yet self-importance leads us to focus on how other people’s words and actions affect US, but fail to pay mind to when we are in fact the offending party.

Ask yourself how often do you:

~Worry about what other people are saying/thinking about you?

~Feel stressed that your problems are unique and NO ONE else struggles like you do?

~Obsess about your perceived shortcomings–looks, financial, success, grades, etc.?

~Induldge in over thinking—on a variety of topics?

Ask yourself honestly. How much of your day is spent focusing on YOU?

The thing is about self-importance, in its many different forms of expressing itself, is toxic. It pollutes the energy of those who need to feel self-important, as well as anyone and anything they interact with. Most other people, don’t appreciate being made to feel less than, will become defensive or take offense at the energy spewing out at them.

Being authentic doesn’t mean you don’t take care of yourself or look out for your best interests—of course you must. But you do this with an attitude of grace and softness rather than aggression or antagonism.

Empathy is at the cornerstone of emotional intelligence, but so is the ability to regulate our thoughts and behavior so as to have a positive effect on our own lives AND on the lives of the people we love and care for.

Daniel Goleman said, when we focus on ourselves, our world contracts, as our problems and preoccupations loom larger. But when we focus on others, our world expands.

We all have moments of  frustration, anxiety, and angst. But did you ever notice that all those situations have one thing in common? You.

At extreme levels, self-important thinking can lead to paranoia, a belief that others are thinking about you, talking about you, and paying attention to you when they are not. I often gently point out to clients that MOST people are worried about their own daily to do lists, families, obligations, etc. The truth is most people’s thinking is centered around them, not you. Most people are busy living their own lives–they neither the time nor the energy to devote to people who have little effect on them including you.

Ask yourself often what it is you want to contribute while you’re here, what impact you want to have on others and the legacy you want to leave behind.

If you want to be happy, don’t dwell on yourself so much.  Self-importance reduces our ability to go with the flow, while putting stress on our relationships. Viewing everything through a “how does this reflect on me” lens is unfair to others. People may begin to avoid us or keep conversations short with us.

If you really want to “get over yourself” once and for all, practice a daily gratitude practice. Embrace humility and being humble.

Take yourself LESS seriously. LIGHTEN UP.

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If you find yourself relating to this video or blog post, counseling might be a great place to process these emotions and figure out a better way to live and let live.

To schedule a counseling session with me (AND if you are a reader who lives in New Jersey):

https://anewcounselingservices.com/erin-theodorou%2Cm-ed-%2C-lpc

Erin Doyle Theodorou, M.Ed, LPC, NCC

Anew Counseling Services LLC

617 Oradell Avenue, Suite 3, Oradell, New Jersey, 07649

(551) 795-3822

etheodorou@anewcounselingservices.com

counseling, happiness, prosocialbehavior, psychology, self-help

Are You An Emotional Vampire?

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As a counselor, I hear often hear stories about emotional vampires and their antics. I credit this to the fact people often are driven to seek out professional counseling when certain relationships in their life are driving them crazy. Making them miserable. Ruining their days. Even worse, sometimes ruining their lives, particularly if it a boss or another person, who has direct control over their life.

Emotional vampires are the people in life who are habitually draining to interact with. The difficult person. The whiner. The victim. The non-stop talker. The narcissist. The drama king/queen. The person void of empathy. The complainer. The martyr. The anger dumper. The controller. The person who makes everything a competition.

None of us escape these personality types. They are in every profession, every family, every social circle.

These folks are quite simply exhausting. They need constant attention. They can bring down the mood of any person they interact with. They often seem to lack any sort of self-awareness (or other times they ARE aware and quite frankly don’t give a damn about how their behavior impact others).

All emotional vampires suffer from low self-esteem, but not all people with low self-esteem are emotional vampires.

As a person who works day in and day out in the mental health profession, I find enormous respect for the art of relationships, especially understanding what makes them work or fail. In all successful relationships, whether with romantic partners, friends, families, or co-workers it’s vital that each person honestly examine his or her behavior and be willing to discuss it and change.

The real question is: ARE YOU AN EMOTIONAL VAMPIRE? We all think we know ourselves well, but psychological studies show otherwise. In fact, most of us are somewhat off the mark with how we view ourselves versus how other people experience us.

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If you are wondering if YOU may in fact be an emotional vampire, reflect HONESTLY on the following:

  • Are you self-involved? Yes / No
  • Do you think before your speak? Yes/No
  • Do you feel like you are often the victim? Yes/No
  • Do you believe your problems are not your fault?Yes/No
  • Are you a black and white thinker?Yes/No
  • Are you often negative? Yes / No
  • Do you gossip or bad-mouth people? Yes / No
  • Are you critical, and/or controlling? Yes / No
  • Do people often tell you to calm down? Yes/No
  • Do you feel that people often don’t (or can’t) understand you or your problems?Yes / No
  • Do you become easily overwhelmed? Yes/No
  • Do you feel that there are many barriers in your life which you have no control over? Yes / No
  • Do you struggle to control your emotions? Yes/No
  • Do you often ask for help from others and/or feel like few people are willing to help you?Yes / No
  • Do you feel like you often don’t receive the attention or appreciation that you deserve?Yes / No
  • Do people avoid you or glaze over during a conversation? Yes / No
  • Do people often complain that you don’t listen to them, when in fact, you feel like they don’t listen to you?Yes / No
  • Do you feel like most other people have lives that are much easier than yours?Yes / No
  • Do you fight with close friends and loved ones often?Yes / No
  • If so, is it usually their fault?Yes / No
  • Do people suddenly drop contact with you with no explanation and refuse to communicate with you again?Yes / No

If you did answer “yes” to at least half of the above questions, chances are you are an emotional vampire.

The remedy for these draining behaviors is to start shifting your perspective. Counseling can be a great way to begin the journey to becoming a better version of yourself.

Journaling about this can also help. Ask yourself, “Is there a particular trigger that creates the situation? If so, then how can you avoid the trigger? How can you become aware of when you fall into this attitude?”

Ask yourself, who are the people in your life who give you energy and who are those who drain you. If you are surrounded by people who are energy vampires, their negative qualities may begin to rub off on you. Figure out who in your life is positive and mood enhancing to spend time with. Make an effort to develop those relationships.

One caveat to the topic of emotional vampires is personality disordered individuals. The sad truth is there are pathological people with personality disorders–these people are more often than not incorrigible.

Luckily if you are reading this, it is unlikely to be the case that you are in that category. 

If you find you are struggling with these types of behaviors, it may be helpful to give professional counseling a try. Counseling can lead to a happier and healthier you which will greatly benefit you…and the people around you!

To schedule a counseling session with me (AND if you are a reader who lives in New Jersey):

https://anewcounselingservices.com/erin-theodorou%2Cm-ed-%2C-lpc

Erin Doyle Theodorou, M.Ed, LPC, NCC

Anew Counseling Services LLC

617 Oradell Avenue, Suite 3, Oradell, New Jersey, 07649

(551) 795-3822

etheodorou@anewcounselingservices.com

 

 

 

counseling, goals, happiness, humility, prosocialbehavior, psychology, self-help

Are You a Good Person? The Litmus Test

Do you think you are a good person?

The mere fact you are choosing to read this means you’re wondering if in fact you are.

I find most people view themselves as “good.” Not perfect, but good. Most of us would be hard-pressed to find someone who does not regard themselves as a “good person.”

Yet how many people do you know that acknowledge the darker parts of their personality? Or their shadow self as Jung called it.

In short, the shadow is the “dark side”. Many people do NOT recognize the darker components of their personality.

Because most people tend to reject or remain ignorant of the least desirable aspects of their personality, the shadow is largely negative. 

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The problem with viewing yourself as wholly good, without acknowledging your shadow self, is it can lead to unhealthy ways of coping.

As humans it is important to feel we behave and act in a manner that reflects our self-image. How can you stay congruent with your identity, if you view yourself as a good person, in absolute terms, when you inevitably do wrong? This leads to justifying bad behavior. It leads to distorting the truth and repressing emotions we do not have the courage to face.

When people view themselves as wholly good behave badly, they find ways to justify their behavior to themselves (and others) as to maintain their self-image of being “good” and keep cognitive dissonance at bay.

The truth is none of us are good people 24 hours a day, seven days a week.

We all are fallible, we all have moments of weakness, we all act out of character (this is distinct from people we may encounter with poor character who act this way over and over again over the course of our relationship with them). No one who walks among us does not behave badly from time to time. It is part of the human condition and part of why conflict is so common in our relationships.

Being a good person is a value many of us in all likelihood hold dear (narcissists and sociopaths excluded).

Yet how do we know for sure if we are in fact a good person? “Good” is a very relative term. There is no universal truth that defines what being a “good person” is and looks like.

Some people think they’re “good” because they don’t intentionally go out and harm others, and others believe they are good because they do superficial acts of kindness for others.

Yet if you believe yourself to be a “good person” program, consider the following questions:

Are you a good person if you hurt people but your intention was not to do so?
Are you a good person if someone tells you that you are causing them pain but you disregard how they feel?
Are you a good person if you constantly speak ill of others?
Are you a good person if you lie on your taxes? Lie to your spouse? Lie to your children?

Do you ever feel envy or jealousy towards other people? Do you feel resentment towards the people in your life?

Are you honest with yourself?

Are you a good person if you steal from the government? On whatever level you may be playing the game…
Are you good person if you cheat–on a test, partner, or someone else? If you cheat your company?

When you witness poor behavior in others (lying, judgement, dishonesty, self-deception), can you acknowledge those same impulses inside yourself?

Are you a good person if you wish bad on others?

Do you express rage and contempt towards others?

Do you consider yourself a good person without accepting the darker parts of your personality?
Are you a good person if you are unaware of the negative emotions that arise within you through the day?

Do you believe it is wrong to feel hatred towards the people you love?

In terms of behavior:

~Would you give up your seat for a disabled person or pregnant woman on the train?
~Would you stick up for someone being verbally berated?

~How often do you help someone with extra bags?
~Do you donate your time or money to causes outside of yourself?

~Do you hold the doors open for others?

~Do you offer words of encouragement and kindness freely to others?

All the questions give insight into your character.

Are you happy with how your answer these questions? Do you find you can make excuses for yourself to justify your OWN bad behavior/character flaws but have the habit of condemning others?

I don’t believe that any human being is bad through and through or good through and through. We all have some of each inside us.  I do feel people’s character exists on a continuum–with character disturbed on one end and being virtuous on the other end.

The truth is some people have more good in them than bad.

The truth is some people have more bad in them than good.

It is important to know which person you are dealing with at any given time.

Maybe you’ve experienced this before: Dealing with someone who thinks he’s much nice or kinder than he really is. It can be hard to manage and maintain a relationship with someone who is not as good as he or she believes himself to be.

It can also be hard for people to maintain relationships with us if we are not a good of a person as we believe ourselves to be.

You need to be aware of the good AND bad in you. And others.

Viewing oneself as “good” explains a wide range of common defense mechanisms– denial, minimizing/justifying one’s own “bad”behavior, lying, becoming defensive.

The fact is our character is NOT set in stone—we are all capable of growing into a better person IF we are able to adopt a realistic self-image. We need to be able to look deeply into our shadow self if we want to move beyond the darker aspects of our personality.

We can see everyone feels justified in their own shoes. Every action that a person takes take, good or bad, they can always tell themselves it is justified  – otherwise they would not be able to perform the act in question at all.

We all want to be our best, but many people wonder if it’s actually possible for people to become better–themself included. The answer is a resounding yes. There are always ways to improve yourself.

Some general suggestions for a path forward:
1)Support others. Contribute to things outside of yourself–the larger community. Offer kind words and encouragement to the people you encounter. Consider how your words, actions, and behaviors impact others. Do not enable the bad behavior of others at the expense of someone else. Do good and good will come back. We all eventually reap what we sow.

2)Let go of anger. Think before you speak. Words said in anger can only be forgiven, not forgotten. A mindfulness practice can help you to lower your baseline feelings of anger. Much of anger arises from ruminating over the past–past injustice, grievances, pain from long ago. Stress can up our ability to lash out in anger. Consider adopting stress management techniques to your daily routine.

3)Take care of yourself–mentally, emotionally, physically. Exercise, eating well, meditation, seeking out counseling…all lead to building a strong foundation for living a good life and empowering yourself to be a better person.

4)Learn to set boundariesfor others AND yourself. We talk often about setting boundaries with other people but you should have your own set of standards in how you will or will not conduct yourself. Example–you won’t scream at other people, curse people out, threaten people, smear people’s names to others, steal, cheat, etc.

5)Reflect on the following questions (Forbes):

~What, or who, is worth suffering for?

~What can my most aggressive judgments of others tell me about myself?

~Are my opinions of others fixed, or do they evolve? Is that fair?

~Does my daily routine reflect my long-term goals?

~What do the things I envy tell me about what I want to give myself?

~If I could meet the best possible version of myself in an alternate reality, what would that person be like?

If you feel like you are struggling to become a better version of yourself, counseling can be a way to figure out a plan for your life, moving forward.

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To schedule a counseling session with me (AND if you are a reader who lives in New Jersey):

https://anewcounselingservices.com/erin-theodorou%2Cm-ed-%2C-lpc

Erin Doyle Theodorou, M.Ed, LPC, NCC

Anew Counseling Services LLC

617 Oradell Avenue, Suite 3, Oradell, New Jersey, 07649

(551) 795-3822

etheodorou@anewcounselingservices.com