anxiety, counseling, goals, psychology, self-help

Signs It May Be Time to See a Therapist to Get Help for Your Anxiety

Do you ever wonder if your anxiety is normal OR if it is time to seek out help for your symptoms? Shining a light on mental health issues helps to reduce the stigma that keeps many people from seeking support.

Anxiety is the most prevalent mental health disorder in America. Anxiety disorders are the most common mental illness in the U.S., affecting 40 million adults in the United States age 18 and older, or 18.1% of the population every year (adaa.org).

EVERYONE gets nervous from time to time. It is quite common for people to experience anxiety at different point in their lives.

For instance, anxiety is a very normal response to stressful life events like going on a job interview, getting married, having a baby, moving, changing jobs or having financial troubles. Anxiety is a natural reaction to a situation we perceive as stressful or dangerous.

But when does anxiety cross the line from normal anxiety into an anxiety disorder? When anxiety becomes larger than the events that triggered them and begin to interfere with your life, they could be signs of an anxiety disorder.

Anxiety disorders can become debilitating, but they can be managed with proper help from a mental health professional.

Anxiety disorders are HIGHLY TREATABLE if you are willing to take the first step towards seeking help.

Anxiety disorders can take many forms. Below are some signs you should consider seeking help for your anxiety:

1)If it keeps you from doing things you enjoy. When your world is becoming smaller because of your anxiety, this is certainly a sign you should seek help. Do you want to travel but suddenly feel the urge to cancel your plans because you are scared? Or do you feel too anxious to even book a trip in the first place because you are afraid to board a plane or be away from the comforts of home? Or you can only go to the same place for vacation because anywhere new and unfamiliar leads to high anxiety? Maybe you want to visit your sister but she lives two hours away and you are afraid to drive there. If your anxiety is inhibiting your life, it may be time to seek out professional help.

2)You are exhausted. Constantly feeling tired is a sign your mind (and your worries) are in overdrive. Worrying can lead to the point of exhaustion. Being easily fatigued can be a telling sign your anxiety is getting out of hand.

3)It is impacting your career. If you are so anxious, it is impeding your ability to function at work, it is time to seek out help. What are some signs your anxiety is severe?If you are finding that you are missing many days from work, frequently calling in late because your anxiety is impeding your ability to leave the house, or having trouble performing the normal day-to-day tasks of your job, it may be time to seek out some support.

4)You are isolating yourself from others. Are you feeling such anxiety that you are avoiding parties, going out, or interacting with family and friends? If your social anxieties are leading to isolation, this is a problem. If the presence of other people cause you to worry, you may feel the need to avoid putting yourself in situations where you have to interact with others you do not feel comfortable with. This is a sign your anxiety can be spiraling out of control.

5)Your fears keep you from performing essential tasks. Do you hate crowds? Get anxious waiting on lines? If your anxiety is keeping you from food shopping or going out in public, this is a sign your anxiety is disproportionate to the situation. If you can not perform day-to-day tasks because of strong, unrelenting feelings of anxiety, it can be a sign of anxiety disorder.

6)You are having panic attacks. The hallmark of a panic attack is extreme fear typically accompanied by rapid heartbeat, sweating, shaking, shortness of breath, chest tightness, nausea and fear of dying or losing control. Panic attacks can be terrifying. Counseling can help you figure out the situations, thoughts, or feelings that cause your attacks (your triggers).

7)The anxiety is ongoing. If you have been experiencing ongoing anxiety, it can be a sign of an anxiety disorder. Occasional anxiety is an expected part of life, ongoing anxiety is no,  unless it is circumstantial (you loss your job, getting a divorce, extenuating life circumstances that were unexpected, etc.).

8)You have physical symptoms–stomach aches, headaches, muscle tension, can’t sleep, dizziness, diarrhea, throwing up. Having physical symptoms on most days of the week is another frequent symptom of anxiety. There is no doubt that stress and anxiety can beat up your body. If your anxiety is causing you to become physically ill, you most certainly should seek out the care of a mental health professional.

9)Feeling irritable. Frequently, people with anxiety disorders experience excessive irritability.  Keep tabs on whether you’re blowing up at people or losing your cool. Do you let things that roll off other people’s back make you flip out? Are you unable to manage and control your emotions? It can be a sign you are emotionally dysregulated. Anger and irritability can be a sign of anxiety.

10)Trouble falling asleep or staying asleep. Sleep disturbances are strongly associated with anxiety disorders. Perhaps your mind starts racing as soon as your head hits the pillow. You’re thinking about your never-ending to-do list, that thing you should (or shouldn’t) have said at work, or how expensive your taxes are going to be this quarter. Then you catch a glimpse of the clock, and realize how late it already is which only further escalates your anxiety. Anxiety can lead to insomnia. If your anxiety is causing you to be restless and unable to get a good night’s sleep, you should speak to your doctor.

11)Your anxiety is impacting your relationships. Constant worry manifesting as any of the following: jealousy towards your spouse, your children becoming anxious themselves because you are rubbing off on them,  acting controlling towards others to mitigate your own anxious feelings,  avoiding friends and family at social events, and communication problems with others are ALL signs your anxiety has escalated to the point of a disorder. The good thing to know is that once treatment for anxiety is underway these relationship issues do improve as well.

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12)Using alcohol or drugs to self-medicate. Are you drinking more than usual? Popping pills to numb yourself out (especially if it not your prescription)? Many people who are suffering from severe anxiety will use drugs or alcohol to self-treat their anxiety symptoms.

If you are relating to many of the aforementioned signs, keep in mind, that anxiety is a very treatable disorder.

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If anxiety is interfering with your life, whatever they may mean to you, that is reason enough to speak with a mental health professional.

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If you anxiety is causing you suffering, you DESERVE to get help.

To schedule a counseling session with me (AND if you are a reader who lives in New Jersey):

https://anewcounselingservices.com/erin-theodorou%2Cm-ed-%2C-lpc

Erin Doyle Theodorou, M.Ed, LPC, NCC

Anew Counseling Services LLC

617 Oradell Avenue, Suite 3, Oradell, New Jersey, 07649

(551) 795-3822

etheodorou@anewcounselingservices.com

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counseling, psychology, self-help

The Importance of Being Independent and Taking Ownership of Your Life

As a society, we have become very dependent on other people.

Of course, when we are children we have to rely on others. Children need others to provide food, shelter, safety, and the right environment for them to grow and achieve their potential. We organically become more independent as we progress through life. Yet some people never fully transition to self-reliance and total independence. They go from depending on their parents to depending on their partner or some other close relationship in their life.

The truth is as a culture we have a tendency to rely on others far more than it is necessary.

Depending on your life circumstances, you may be dependent on people for emotional support. Or financial support. Or for your sense of self.

Perhaps you are someone who seeks the approval of others. Or needs to be in a relationship to feel okay. Or your financial well-being is dependent on your parents or your spouse.

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At certain developmental stages and life stages, certain dependence is appropriate. For instance during adolescence, it is appropriate to seek approval of others as it is part of growing up. Anyone who studied Piaget knows about the imaginary audience and personal fable of adolescence. Teens may mistakenly believe that everyone around them is watching and judging them, scrutinizing their every move, and can become painfully self-conscious as a result.  But this is a phase we all experience (although some people never seem to outgrow it).

There is also nothing wrong with moving back in with your parents after college while seeking employment or staying home with your kids when they are young and depending financially on your partner. Or when you reach your golden years, depending on the assistance of others to help you, is often needed. Different life circumstances can create extenuating circumstances where we need to depend on the support of others.

Yet over the course of life, being independent, is vital to being a well-rounded, healthy functioning person. Being independent means being able to take care of your own needs and to make and assume responsibility for your decisions while considering both the people around you and your environment.

self-re·li·ance

noun

reliance on one’s own powers and resources rather than those of others.

Being independent and able to support yourself, in all aspects of life, remains the cornerstone of a well-adjusted person. Independence refers to all aspects of your life including financial, career, emotional, personal beliefs and values.

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 It is extremely empowering knowing that you are in control of your own life and your own choices.  Financially, emotionally, mentally, spiritually. You do not need the validation or support of others to be okay. Human nature being what it is, you may prefer it, but you do not NEED it.

There are many forms of dependence on others people struggle with but some of the most common include codependency, financial dependency, and emotional dependency. Often times such issues are what lead people to come to counseling. 

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Signs of codependency include:

  • Having difficulty making decisions without advice and reassurance from others
  • Having difficulty assuming responsibility for your life
  • Having difficulty communicating in a relationship
  • Having difficulty disagreeing with others out of fear
  • Valuing the approval of others more than valuing yourself
  • Lacking trust in yourself and having poor self-esteem
  • Having fears of abandonment or an obsessive need for approval
  • Having difficulty starting projects or doing things on your own
  • Having an unhealthy dependence on relationships, even at your own cost
  • Having anxiety or negative feelings when alone
  • Having an exaggerated sense of responsibility for the actions of others
  • Having difficulty managing and defending personal boundaries

Signs of financial dependency:

  • You feel resentment or anger because the money you receive seems to come with strings attached, but you’re too scared of being cut off to say anything.
  • You have never been able to financially support yourself through your own endeavors
  • You lack even the most basic financial know-how, such as how to balance a checkbook or read a bank statement
  • You’re in a physically or verbally abusive relationship, or you’re simply unhappy with your living situation, but you worry you won’t be able to support yourself if you leave
  • You lack self-confidence and ambition and are scared you can’t support yourself
  • You have no idea what your family income level, net worth, or cash flow is

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Some symptoms of emotional dependency:

  • Constant and obsessive need to be close to other people
  • Constant insecurity about the future
  • Feeling of not being good enough to be with the other person
  • Obsessive fear of losing love
  • Constant feeling of guilt if they don’t pay total attention to their partner
  • Acceptance of psychological and physical suffering, for fear of losing the relationship
  • A constant and dominant feeling of anxiety

Many forms of dependence can lead to emotional distress. 

At the end of the day, you only have yourself to fall back on, so it is a must to be able to handle things on your own. All relationships end at some point or another, that is an inescapable truth. You never know when someone you depend on may pass away. Or leave. In life, anything is possible. 

Many people do not want to make choices on their own because they do not want to be responsible for the outcome. Taking responsibility can be terrifying. It is easier to blame others than to take ownership.

Taking ownership means embracing your power to create your own future.

As a clinician, many people come to counseling because they are unhappy about a certain aspect of their life. Yet before a person can change, they must take ownership that their choices and behavior that has gotten them to this point.  It is NOT the same thing as taking blame.

Taking ownership means you have CONTROL over your life.  Until you take ownership for your actions or failures, it’ll be very difficult for you to develop self-respect or even have the respect of others.

A person cannot be independent and simultaneously not take ownership for their life. Everything in your life requires you to take ownership: the good, the bad, the ugly.

A lot of people don’t want to hear this truth. I hear clients offer up excuses in sessions time and time again for an aspect of their life they find undesirable. We all indulge in this from time to time but at the end of the day everything in your life is a result of the choices you have made.

Your finances…your responsibility

Your relationships….your responsibility

Your health…..your responsibility

Your career….your responsibility

Your (underage) kids…..your responsibility (once they are adults, THEIR responsibility)

Your happiness….your responsibility

Your peace of mind….your responsibility

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To take responsibility for your life, is to take responsibility for your thinking, feeling, speaking and acting. You create your life with your thoughts, feelings, words and actions.

Stop blaming your partner, parents, economy, your upbringing for your misfortune.

Stop complaining. Complaining is another form of blaming and playing victim as if you have no choice. If you do not like something, leave the situation, change the situation, or accept it.

Realize happiness is an inside job.

Be the gatekeeper of your life and refuse to have a rerun of the same bad  behaviors, thoughts, and experiences of yesterday if they do not get you want you want in life.

When you take responsibility for your life and experience, you step into a place of calm confidence. When you are independent, you feel calm because you know that you are consciously in charge of yourself and that you can choose how you respond.

Standing on ones own feet is important. If you feel this is a struggle for you, counseling may be a good place to start the process of becoming more independent.

To schedule a counseling session with me (AND if you are a reader who lives in New Jersey):

https://anewcounselingservices.com/erin-theodorou%2Cm-ed-%2C-lpc

Erin Doyle Theodorou, M.Ed, LPC, NCC

Anew Counseling Services LLC

617 Oradell Avenue, Suite 3, Oradell, New Jersey, 07649

(551) 795-3822
etheodorou@anewcounselingservices.com

 

anxiety, counseling, goals, humility, psychology, regrets, relationshipadvice, self-help

Who is Your Ideal Self? 2019 is the Year to Be Happy and At Peace with Yourself

Hello, 2019!

We are officially in the kickoff of the New Year. It is the year before we head into the Roaring 20’s and you can bet next year will be a doozy, old sport.

New Year’s Day can feel surreal. Many of us are probably in the midst of setting our 2019 resolutions. (Or recovering from the night before–a time well spent with family and friends celebrating the end of 2018).

Goals are important. Setting goals give you a long-term vision and short-term motivation. Goals are what move us forward in life.

Personally, I am a big believer in writing down your goals. Research has shown that people who write their goals and dreams down on a regular basis achieve those desires at a significant higher level than those who did not.

I spent some time dedicated solely to jotting lists broken down into categories of different goals: Financial, Career, Health, Emotional Life, New Experiences, Intellectual Life, Relationships, Volunteer, To Do Around House, Family, Life Vision, etc. (Not going to lie, I LOVE making a good list).

Everyone would have different categories based on their life circumstances and values.

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It can be an emotional day come January 1st.

Mixed emotions may come about. We may feel overwhelmed about what are realistic, worthy goals to set for yourself.

While hope and motivation may be at the forefront of your mind, for others, there can be something so unsettling about the start of another new year.

Perhaps you are asking yourself, how did a whole year fly by just like that? That in and of itself can feel unreal. Time seems to be moving more quickly with each passing year. It can seem like we were JUST starting 2018 not too long ago. It is a bit wild how the years seem to fly by, blurring together.

For others, they can be facing feelings of melancholy about another year coming to pass. Another year where they did not achieve any of the goals they set out to accomplish. Or a realization that their life has long become stagnant. They cannot remember the last year where they did something new or different. They may feel unmotivated and uninspired realizing they have spent not just the last year but the last SEVERAL years procrastinating their goals. Many goals may have been lost along their journey through life.

The hard pill to swallow is a New Year can bring about the hard realization you may be stuck in a rut. Your life has become stagnant and you didn’t even realize it was happening.

As a therapist, the last couple weeks of the year, I find clients will often share renewed goals for the new year. But more commonly they will share with me the disappointments of the previous year.

Many of us view the beginning of a new year as the best time to make behavioral changes and overcome unhealthy habits. I know I buy into this time of year being an opportune time to catalyze change in my personal life.

Each new year is a blank slate.

Emotionally, a new year can be trying. It can feel upsetting IF we are not any closer to our goals or becoming the ideal person we hold in our mind (we all have this so-called ideal self–possibly a thinner, richer, smarter, more successful, more athletic, more charming, healthier, more ambitious version of ourself). If you feel this way, instead of building yourself up, you may spend New Year’s day beating yourself up over the failures of 2018.

The fact is we can never get rid of ALL the negative aspects of ourselves because those are very real parts of us. We all have parts of ourselves we struggle to accept.

We all have dreams we are chasing whether we share them with others or not.

The end of the year can turn into a tailspin.

Perhaps the last few months you have shelved even TRYING to become the ideal person you hold in your mind.

Perhaps you have even forgotten what your ideal self even looks like.

Yet goals that connect with our “ideal self” are most effective. The New Year presents an opportune time to connect with that ideal self.  When we RESOLVE to change, we feel better—more in control, more hopeful, more confident.

According to Carl Rogers, one of my favorite theorists, we ALL are constantly working towards self-actualization. According to Rogers, self-actualization occurs when we achieve our goals, wishes, desires.

According to Rogers (1959), we want to feel, experience and behave in ways which are consistent with our self-image and which reflect what we would like to be like, our ideal-self.  The closer our self-image and ideal-self are to each other, the more consistent or congruent we are and the higher our sense of self-worth.

But sometimes we lose ourselves on our journey to self-actualization.

This is why counseling can be a great first step to helping you get back in touch with the person you aspire to be. It can help you close the gap between your ideal self and your actual self. It can help get you back in touch with the REAL YOU, not the you who has been operating on auto pilot. A person is said to be in a state of incongruence if some of the totality of their experience is unacceptable to them and is denied or distorted in the self-image (Rogers).

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Steps to Achieving your Ideal Self

1)Reflect on your current self vs. your ideal self. What don’t you like about your current behavior? What accomplishments are you proud of? What are parts of your current self you would never want to change? What are parts of yourself that you have never seemed to be ABLE to change?

You are the life you lead–so choose your path mindfully.

How do you handle adversity? How you handle conflict? Can you keep your cool under pressure? How do you talk to yourself when you mess up?

What standards would you like to uphold going forward? What kind of person would you ideally like to be? Most importantly: WHY is it important to make these changes? Having a strong why is a MUST for lasting change.

2)Reflect on COMPETING GOALS. The fact is many of us have competing goals vying for our attention and time. We need to not be so hard on ourselves when we have to shift focuses. Life is truly a balancing act. It can be hard to strike a balance between being a good parent with a demanding career. Being social while being on a strict diet. Traveling the world while saving money. Managing our various goals can be TOUGH. You need to have flexibility in your expectations depending on what is taking precedence at any given time. Let go of absolutes in your thinking patterns–ALWAYS, MUST, SHOULD, NEVER.

3)What would you do–if money— was not a concern? For many people, money is a defining factor in their life. For others, it is a limiting factor. How differently would you live your life (if different at all) if money was not a factor? The answer can be telling.

4)What do you want people to say about you and your life at your funeral? Great parent? Good friend? Successful? Well-traveled? Kind soul? Did a lot of good for others? No answer is right. But how you answer this question reflects much on what you value in life.

5)Remember you ARE the life you lead. Ask yourself–what is your day-to-day life like now? Are you a dedicated parent? A career driven professional? Someone who makes time for loved ones? A fitness fanatic? Dedicated to healthy eating? Are you kind? Are you thoughtful? Are you having an impact in a positive way the lives of others? Are you well-read? Do you travel? Do you do the right thing? Do you sit by silently when you see someone being mistreated? Do you mistreat others? Do you mistreat yourself?

6)Remember you ARE how you spend your money. Ask yourself–do you value experiences over materialistic objects? Do you pour all your money into living the most extravagant lifestyle you can or do you live below your means saving for the future? Both are reflective of YOU AND YOUR VALUES. Do you spend more than you should? Do you save? OR do you feel well-balanced between the two?

7)Remember you ARE what you eat. Ask yourself—do you eat like you love yourself? Do you far too often indulge in processed food, sugar, and fried food? Are you committed to healthy eating? Are you committed to your health, period?

8)Revise your goals to better reflect your limitations and true capabilities. It is important to be honest with our positive and negative qualities. We ALL have limitations. Often our goals feel because we do not take said limitations into account. Be kind to yourself but be realistic. All unrealistic goals do is set you up for failure (and pain).

Most importantly: Our daily life IS who we are. How do you spend your days? If today, was your last day on Earth, could you say you are proud of the life you led? Are you happy with your day-to-day existence?

These questions may seem like a lot to think about and reflect on. The answers will be unique fo all of us and a reflection of our values. One caveat to keep it mind is we are ALL human. Do not expect to tackle EVERYTHING you set out to do all at once. We cannot expect to be our IDEAL self 100% of the time. Life happens (stress happens). None of us are always in a total state of congruence. If you are feeling overwhelmed, consider speaking with a therapist who can help you unload and process through some of those feelings.

Make 2019 the year you work hard, but work JUST AS HARD on self-compassion and being kind to yourself, as you stumble along the way to achieving your ideal self.

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To schedule a counseling session with me (AND if you are a reader who lives in New Jersey):

https://anewcounselingservices.com/erin-theodorou%2Cm-ed-%2C-lpc

Erin Doyle Theodorou, M.Ed, LPC, NCC

Anew Counseling Services LLC

617 Oradell Avenue, Suite 3, Oradell, New Jersey, 07649

(551) 795-3822
etheodorou@anewcounselingservices.com

 

counseling, goals, psychology, relationships, self-help

Things to Give Up in 2019 If You Want to Be Happy

As we move into 2019, below is a list of things to give up in the New Year if you want to be happy. If you give up these things, you will experience more satisfaction and peace in your life. Take time to reflect on letting these things go forever.

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1)Negative Self-Talk. We all have our own unique “self-talk” and more often than not, as a psychotherapist, I find clients’ self-talk to be negative. People skew reality to be the worst possible scenario and in turn put themselves in a bad mood. I am a big CBT (cognitive behavioral therapy) clinician and truly believe if a person changes their thoughts, they can change their life. If you shift your negative self-talk you can change your world view. Negativity steals happiness out of your life. No one likes to be around a Debbie Downer. No one wants to live inside the mind of a Debbie Downer either.

If you have an habitual inner critic you are likely creating significant stress in your life. This will take a toll on your mind, body, life, and loved ones.  What cognitive distortions do you turn to? Blaming, catastrophizing, personalizing, magnification, all or nothing thinking, jumping to conclusions?

Let 2019 be the year you begin to challenge your negative thinking. Remember thoughts and feelings aren’t always reality. Do reality testing—what evidence is there for and against my thinking? Are my thoughts factual or are they just my interpretation? Am I mind reading what other people are thinking? Am I jumping to negative conclusions? Is there another way to look at this situation? Is this situation as bad as I am making it out to be? What else can this mean? Try to put things in proper perspective for your OWN mental well-being.

2)Unhealthy relationships.  What constitutes an UNHEALTHY relationship? Any relationship that you do not feel respected, accepted, and safe. As we embark on a new year, do not bring unhealthy relationships into the new year. Anyone who lies to you, disrespects you, mistreats you, talks badly about you, makes you feel less than should be left behind in 2018. Life is short and hard enough without bringing people into your orbit who treat you badly. The sad truth is not everyone in your life wishes you well. Time to say adios to people who make you feel like you are hard to love.

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3)Gossiping. Stop manufacturing problems (which is exactly what gossiping does).  Complaining, bitching, ripping into other people. Do you truly think HAPPY people act this way? You are only creating misery for yourself by gossiping about others. You cannot feel good about yourself when acting badly. Of course there are certain people who are so toxic that they can bring out the worst in ANY of us (and unfortunately there is usually one of these people in any workplace, family, or social circle). Yet gossiping about everyone and anyone just start conflicts and assassinates other people’s reputation (more often based on lies and exaggerations).  Gossip is destructive to you and your relationships. If you cannot say it to someone’s face, you should not be saying it. Give up petty behavior in the new year and let good vibes flow. You will be a happier, healthier person for it.

4)Criticizing yourself (and others). If you are constantly finding fault with yourself and others, you can ensure you will be unhappy. A negative attitude cannot give you a positive life. We all have flaws and short comings. Are you constantly beating yourself up? Are you constantly criticizing other people’s looks, actions, words, on a regular basis? Unless someone is intentionally trying to hurt you (which sadly some people do have this mean-spiritedness in them), you should try to give people a break. We are all doing the best we can. People like to surround themselves with people who lift them up and make them feel good. When you are overly critical, you are your own worst enemy.

5)People pleasing. It is impossible to please everyone. You can try but you will drive yourself crazy in the process.  Have good intentions towards others but accept that you will not be everyone’s cup of tea. Make peace with this truth. People pleasing is an extremely unhealthy pattern of behavior. It puts a lot of stress and pressure on you. It causes you to seek external validation. True validation MUST come from within.

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6)Procrastination. Stop waiting on the things you want to happen in your life. Whether that is losing weight, getting a new job, making more money, cultivating healthier relationships. Start today. Even a small step is a step in the right direction.

7)Regret. We all have a few regrets but it does no one any good to focus on what COULD have been. We cannot find happiness in the past. Make peace with your past and begin to work on creating the life you want in the here and now.

8)Comparison. They do not say comparison is the thief of joy for nothing. Social media has given society a look into everyone’s lives but at what cost to our mental well-being? People are constantly comparing their lives to the lives of others. None of us have a perfect life. We all have struggles, difficulties, and pain.  We are all unique and started running the race of life at different starting points. Hence how can we possibly compare ourselves to others?

9)Approval seeking. A truly strong person does not NEED the approval of others any more than a lion needs the approval of sheep. It is also a losing proposition as NONE of us can get the approval of EVERYONE. So why set yourself up for failure? What other people think of you is none of your business. What other people think is more about them than you anyway. The fact is we all have our critics and that is OKAY. Let go of the need to be liked by all if you want to be at peace.

10)Resentment. Nothing eats through the soul like resentment. Boy does it feel good to be self-righteous (as resentment is the ultimate self-righteous emotion). Yet resentment fuels anger and depletes joy. Thus your resentment is ONLY hurting you, not the target of said feelings. You cannot change the past or other people. But you do not need to continue to give your power away to someone. Let it go. Let other people deal with the consequences of their own actions but do not continue to punish yourself for another person’s mistake.

11)The belief you are not good enough. This is self-explanatory. Self-acceptance entails accepting all of you–the good, the bad, the ugly. We all have these components. Make peace with who you are. You are enough. If you feel you are not, it would be wise to get yourself into counseling. No one should go through life feeling less than.

12)Entitlement. The world (and other people) owe you NOTHING. None of us are inherently entitled or deserve more than anyone else. Ask yourself: Do you impose unrealistic demands on your family and friends? Do you feel sorry for yourself? Do you punish people for not doing what you want? Do you see other people as threats or struggle with compromise? If you do, you likely are struggling with a sense of entitlement. Entitlement is a road that leads to misery.

13)Close mindedness. Stop thinking in polarizing ways–black/white, right/wrong, good/bad. There are many ways to view the world and diversity is a part of life. It is a part of the RICHNESS of life. Being rigid in your thinking will cause pain (largely for you but also those you try to impose your inflexible ways on). Learn to go with the flow or accept that you will continue to suffer. By your own making.

14).Anger. Anger really is a self-important emotion. Often what underlies anger are things like wanting your way or believing you are right. The bigger your ego, the more likely you are to struggle with chronic anger. Humble yourself or be humbled.

15)Thinking you are not ready. None of us are EVER 100% ready for a new chapter. We need to learn to feel the fear and do it anyway.

16)Expectations–both your own and other people’s. Unmet expectations lead to a whole host of negative emotions. If you didn’t have expectations, you would just take life as it comes. Without expectations, acceptance of what is would be easier. Other people’s expectations for you are NOT YOUR CONCERN. Unrealistic expectations that you set for yourself? All this does is set you up for disappointment and pain. Stop holding expectations for others–thinking someone will do what is in your best interest, not their own is UNrealistic. Stop holding unrealistic expectations for yourself–all you are doing is setting yourself up for failure.

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17)Control. The only control you have is of yourself (and that is hard enough to master)–everything else is out of your control. Don’t worry though–the same holds true for us all. We all are ONLY in control of ourselves. Stop trying to control other people and your environment if you way to live a healthy, happy life. If you don’t like a person or situation— change your attitude or leave the person/situation—all else is MADNESS. You cannot change other people or control the world. But you do not need to subject yourself to people or situations that make you unhappy. Either way, the choice is yours.

18)Resistance to change. Life IS change. Either accept that truism or create suffering for yourself. Change is difficult but pivotal to survival.

19)Limiting beliefs. Stop limiting yourself. What is your life script? What do you believe to be true about yourself, others, and life in general? If you want something to change in your life you are going to need to change. Dream big, work hard.

20)Scarcity mindset. The scarcity mindset in the belief that there is only so much success to go around. This mindset leads to hyper competitiveness and thinking someone else’s success “steals” from your own success. This is complete nonsense. Try to shift to an abundance mindset because when people are genuinely happy for the success of others, their own happiness and success expands.

As this year comes to an end, if you find you are struggling with any of the aforementioned, counseling may be a great investment for the new year. There are many benefits of counseling: greater self-acceptance and self-esteem,  improved relationships, relief from anxiety/depression/other mental health conditions, and ability to overcome self-defeating behaviors. Everyone can benefit from therapy. (I am biased I know).

Wishing you all a Happy and Health 2019, my friends.

To schedule a counseling session with me (AND if you are a reader who lives in New Jersey):

https://anewcounselingservices.com/erin-theodorou%2Cm-ed-%2C-lpc

Erin Doyle Theodorou, M.Ed, LPC, NCC

Anew Counseling Services LLC

617 Oradell Avenue, Suite 3, Oradell, New Jersey, 07649

(551) 795-3822
etheodorou@anewcounselingservices.com

anxiety, counseling, psychology, self-help, Uncategorized

Anticipatory Anxiety: Why We Need to Get Comfortable with Discomfort

Anticipatory anxiety is the anxiety we experience in anticipation of exposure to our frightening triggers. Anticipatory anxiety is a more complex problem than other forms of anxiety because in our attempts to avoid what we fear, we only make our fear and anxiety THAT much stronger. The only way to overcome anticipatory anxiety is to face your fear.

Anticipatory anxiety is a negative projection about an unknown outcome.

Common ways we cope with anticipatory anxiety?
-Drinking alcohol

-Taking anti-anxiety drugs

-Avoiding the source of our fear

-Seeking reassurance from others

If you struggle with anticipatory anxiety, you likely suffer from high negative emotions. You likely have high trait neuroticism. If you’re highly neurotic, it’s possible that you feel trapped by the trait’s maladaptive thought patterns, or struggle with depression or anxiety, both of which are more likely to occur in highly neurotic individuals. (If you are interested in finding your level of neuroticism, I copied and pasted a link to the Big Five Factor test that assesses levels of neuroticism as one of the fundamental personality traits).

https://openpsychometrics.org/tests/IPIP-BFFM/

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If you struggle with anticipatory anxiety, you are likely NOT open to new experiences. Anything that is not routine and within your comfort zone is going to spike your baseline anxiety levels. People who struggle with anxiety tend to be high in neuroticism and low on openness to new experiences.

If you struggle with this type of anxiety, you hate dealing with uncertainty. The problem with this is life is chock full of uncertainties. The thing is some people are okay with having a lot of uncertainty in their lives, and other people cannot stand even a small amount of uncertainty.

Some people may be temperamentally more “high-strung” and biologically more vulnerable to anxiety. It is important you seek treatment as left untreated it tends to worsen with age. Learning coping skills to mitigate anxiety is transformational to those who suffer.

Some common traits of people who are intolerant of uncertainty:

  • Seeking excessive reassurance from others: You want others to agree with you or reassure you. This might be asking friends or family their opinion on a decision that you have to make or asking for excessive support
  • List-making: As a way of eliminating uncertainty, some people will make long and detailed “to do” lists, sometimes several lists every day
  • Double checking: For example, calling loved ones repeatedly to “make sure” that they are okay, or re-reading emails several times to check that they are perfect and that there are no spelling mistakes
  • Refusing to delegate tasks to others: Many people who are intolerant of uncertainty will not allow anyone either at work or at home to do certain tasks; this is because they cannot be “sure” that it will be done correctly unless they do it
  • Procrastination/avoidance: Because being uncertain can cause anxiety, some people simply procrastinate or avoid people, places or situations. If you do not do something, then you don’t have to feel uncertain about it
  • Distraction: Many people who are intolerant of uncertainty keep themselves “busy” most of the day, that way, they don’t have the time to think about all the uncertainty in life

A common way we see anticipatory anxiety play out is in a common fear many people have which is of flying.

Here is how it plays out.

If you are phobic of flying, booking a flight might bring upon some anxiety. The week before the trip, your anxiety will likely begin to escalate. By the night before you are scheduled to fly, you may be on the verge of having a panic attack. In anticipatory anxiety, you imagine the future. You experience an imaginary airplane, not a real one.  You imagine what might happen if you get on the plane. You are at home, imagining one or a variety of imaginary in-flight disasters.Or feeling anxious about being trapped in a rocket ship (your own “internal” claustrophobia). You see stress depends upon imagination. Note I am saying you “imagine” because your imagination is creating the worst case scenario. Anticipatory anxiety has you amping up your stress response and mentally psyching yourself out.

When the day comes and it is time to leave for the airport you may feel like you are on the verge of a panic attack. Your imagination runs wild. You will continue to feel your anxiety escalate as you drive to the airport, go through security, and sit waiting for your plane to board.

Yet when you actually board the plane and take it off, you actually feel okay during the flight. This is because anticipatory anxiety is different from phobic anxiety. Yet while flying you may feel okay, if you were to think about scheduling ANOTHER flight, your anticipatory anxiety would ramp up. The thing about anxiety is it is often quite  irrational in nature.

Anticipatory anxiety is the fear and dread you experience before the event or situation.

It’s what’s at play when you spend weeks dreading the results of a doctor’s appointment, yet the news is benign and manageable. Or when you have social anxiety–you may struggle with the decision to accept or decline attending a friend’s birthday, but eventually give in and go, and have a great time!  “Why did I do that to myself?” you wonder.

Most people experience anticipatory anxiety, every once and awhile. This experience is the body’s normal response to perceived future threats. In the days and hours leading up to an important event you may be anxious and nervous, which is the stress response in action. It is anticipating the need to protect the body from threat or danger. Although this system is critical to our survival when there is actual threat or danger, it’s a big problem when there isn’t.

People who struggle with anxiety tend to have faulty cognitions. This is why CBT (cognitive behavioral therapy) can be so helpful in the treatment of this disorder. It is understandable that during times of high stress and uncertainty emotions run high. However, people who are anxious perpetually suffer from high stress and out of control emotions. Anxiety suffers tend to see things in black or white terms, in other words, as right or wrong, moral or immoral. They are not able to see the nuances and complexities of situations.

Common areas of anticipatory anxiety include:

  • Applying for a new job
  • Speaking in public or other performances
  • Going on a date or to a party
  • Joining a club, team or sport
  • Starting a job
  • Preparing for an interview
  • Going on vacation
  • Tests, projects and oral reports
  • Life changes: getting married, having a baby, buying a house, relocating, retiring

Underlying this sense of anxiety is the feeling that you cannot handle whatever it is you fear. It is a lack of confidence in your ability to cope.

Yet every time you encounter something that forces you to “handle it,” your self-esteem is raised immensely. You learn to trust that you will survive, no matter what happens. And in this way your fears are diminished immeasurably. You realize you can handle WHATEVER life throws at you.

Being anxious leads to behavior that drives others away. When we struggle with anxiety we feel compelled to control other people and our environment. Anxiety leads us to manipulate others because we desperately need them to act in a way that feels safe to us or predictable. It is a self-defeating strategy as this type of attitude will act a repellant to healthy-functioning people.

Once you have this confidence, you are able to face challenges head on because you are not dependent on a particular outcome. You know no matter the outcome you can cope.

People who struggle with anxiety lack the confidence to cope with stress. Remember true security and confidence is knowing you can handle things. Underlying any anxiety disorder is a lack of trust in ourselves.

Think of it this way: IF YOU KNEW YOU COULD HANDLE ANYTHING LIFE THROWS AT YOU, WHAT WOULD YOU POSSIBLY HAVE TO WORRY ABOUT? The answer is: NOTHING!

Remember that the mind and body is designed to adapt. Too often people forget the inherent resilience of the human spirit. As long as you continue to face the things you fear, your anticipatory anxiety should subside. Short-term use of medications that calm anxiety may also be useful — talk to your doctor to find out what is best for you.

As long as you continue to grow and evolve, there will be new challenges and fears to face.

So the choice is yours. Grow, evolve, and face your fears OR choose to stay stagnant and in a bubble throughout your life. If you continue to do what you have always done, you will get the same results. If you want new results, you need to try a new approach.

Attempting to do anything new is uncomfortable and anxiety producing. This is a universal human experience. But anxiety is paradoxical–face the painful feelings now and feel incredible after or feel relief now and face the painful feelings later. We must push ourselves out of our comfort zones. Because in doing so we get to the other side: a place of genuine growth and a better version of yourself.

Remember coping with anxiety is a life long process. Be kind to yourself.

To schedule a counseling session with me (AND if you are a reader who lives in New Jersey):

https://anewcounselingservices.com/erin-theodorou%2Cm-ed-%2C-lpc

Anew Counseling Services LLC

617 Oradell Avenue, Suite 3, Oradell, New Jersey, 07649

(551) 795-3822
etheodorou@anewcounselingservices.com