https://www.psychologytoday.com/us/therapists/erin-doyle-theodorou-nutley-nj/243617
Erin Doyle Theodorou, M.Ed, LPC, NCC
Theodorou therapy, LLC
590 Franklin Ave.
Suite 2
Nutley, NJ 07110
Tag: depression
Are You Comfortable with Being Uncomfortable?
Are you comfortable with being uncomfortable? For many people, the answer is a resounding NO.
Many of us prefer the easy road. We fear change, so we don’t push ourselves to the next level. We possess a natural proclivity to stick with the status quo, to resist the unknown, to stay comfortable.
Yet discomfort as a natural part of the human experience. If you’re uncomfortable with discomfort, you probably run away from uncertainty and change. But the fact is in today’s world you can’t run away from change! Change is all around us-everything in life is fluid.
We exist in an increasingly fast paced world. You either evolve or let the world pass you by.
If you can’t force yourself out of your comfort zone and embrace the discomfort of change, you will remain stuck. We all have people in our lives who fight like hell to maintain the status quo– people who have not evolved in ANY sense of the word—in 5, 10, 15, 20, sheesh in some cases even 30+ years.
There is no growth without change. The question is do you want to grow? Do you want to make progress in your life–in your career, your relationships, your health, your finances, your personal development? Or do you want to stay in the same exact place you were for many, many years?
It is easy to look at the people in our lives and see who IS changing and growing. We can just as easily look at the people around us and see who is the poster child of stagnation. Yet it is much tougher to take a good, long, hard look at ourselves.
Ask yourself–what has changed in your life since last year? Five years ago? Ten years ago? If you find the answering to this is “not much” this may be indicative that your growth game is NOT strong. If you stop growing, you are going to be unhappy.
The thing that often stops people from growing is their disdain of discomfort.
The truth is people often bolt at the mere sign of discomfort. But when you hide from the tough issues, you may play it safe and refuse to take risks. You may steer clear of difficult conversations at home and at work. Afraid of conflict, you may fail to challenge yourself or others, to greater performance and a better life. But when you expect discomfort as a natural part of life you do not overreact to it. You are not thrown off by it. The real issue facing our society is many people feel entitled to not feel any discomfort in their lives.
Being able to sit with your own feelings of discomfort without ACTING on them is a sign of emotional maturity.
Most people can’t even tolerate being uncomfortable for short amounts of time. This is why we see people disappear into forms of escapism and distraction— eating, drinking, drugs, drama, all kinds of addictions, or abusive behavior.
How often do we let discomfort stop us from being who we truly are or from living the life we dream?
Many of us are driven by the need to be comfortable at the expense of all else. There are people who crave security and certainty even if this consists of compromising on other goals they may have.
Many of us never even try because we are afraid to even start.
Because we all KNOW starting can suck. Whenever you start something new, it sucks. Not always, but quite often. You are the new guy at work, it sucks. You are the new student in school, it sucks. You are moving across the country to start anew, it sucks. You start a diet, it sucks. You start working out, it sucks.
Anything outside of our comfort zone can seem daunting.
A comfort zone is a beautiful place, but nothing ever grows there.
Growth requires change. It requires discomfort. Ask yourself: are you comfortable with being uncomfortable? Can you go through the growing pains and make it out to the other side?
If you are going to win at this game we can life, it’s all about not letting your discomfort make you throw in the towel, not start the race, or give up in the middle.
You’ll get comfortable with being uncomfortable when you realize that pushing pass those feelings of discomfort and leaning into the discomfort is where you feel the most genuinely alive.
You will also be able to handle WHATEVER life throws at you. Being comfortable with discomfort is the cornerstone of self-efficacy.
If you find you struggle with being uncomfortable and see it have a negative impact on your life, counseling may be a place to start processing through those feelings.
To schedule a counseling session with me (AND if you are a reader who lives in New Jersey):
https://anewcounselingservices.com/erin-theodorou%2Cm-ed-%2C-lpc
Erin Doyle Theodorou, M.Ed, LPC, NCC
Anew Counseling Services LLC
617 Oradell Avenue, Suite 3, Oradell, New Jersey, 07649
etheodorou@anewcounselingservices.com
Signs It May Be Time to See a Therapist to Get Help for Your Anxiety
Do you ever wonder if your anxiety is normal OR if it is time to seek out help for your symptoms? Shining a light on mental health issues helps to reduce the stigma that keeps many people from seeking support.
Anxiety is the most prevalent mental health disorder in America. Anxiety disorders are the most common mental illness in the U.S., affecting 40 million adults in the United States age 18 and older, or 18.1% of the population every year (adaa.org).
EVERYONE gets nervous from time to time. It is quite common for people to experience anxiety at different points in their lives.
For instance, anxiety is a very normal response to stressful life events like going on a job interview, getting married, having a baby, moving, changing jobs or having financial troubles. Anxiety is a natural reaction to a situation we perceive as stressful or dangerous.
But when does anxiety cross the line from normal anxiety into an anxiety disorder? When anxiety becomes larger than the events that triggered them and begin to interfere with your life, they could be signs of an anxiety disorder.
Anxiety disorders can become debilitating, but they can be managed with proper help from a mental health professional.
Anxiety disorders are HIGHLY TREATABLE if you are willing to take the first step towards seeking help.
Anxiety disorders can take many forms. Below are some signs you should consider seeking help for your anxiety:
1)If it keeps you from doing things you enjoy. When your world is becoming smaller because of your anxiety, this is certainly a sign you should seek help. Do you want to travel but suddenly feel the urge to cancel your plans because you are scared? Or do you feel too anxious to even book a trip in the first place because you are afraid to board a plane or be away from the comforts of home? Or you can only go to the same place for vacation because anywhere new and unfamiliar leads to high anxiety? Maybe you want to visit your sister but she lives two hours away and you are afraid to drive there. If your anxiety is inhibiting your life, it may be time to seek out professional help.
2)You are exhausted. Constantly feeling tired is a sign your mind (and your worries) are in overdrive. Worrying can lead to the point of exhaustion. Being easily fatigued can be a telling sign your anxiety is getting out of hand.
3)It is impacting your career. If you are so anxious, it is impeding your ability to function at work, it is time to seek out help. What are some signs your anxiety is severe?If you are finding that you are missing many days from work, frequently calling in late because your anxiety is impeding your ability to leave the house, or having trouble performing the normal day-to-day tasks of your job, it may be time to seek out some support.
4)You are isolating yourself from others. Are you feeling such anxiety that you are avoiding parties, going out, or interacting with family and friends? If your social anxieties are leading to isolation, this is a problem. If the presence of other people cause you to worry, you may feel the need to avoid putting yourself in situations where you have to interact with others you do not feel comfortable with. This is a sign your anxiety can be spiraling out of control.
5)Your fears keep you from performing essential tasks. Do you hate crowds? Get anxious waiting on lines? If your anxiety is keeping you from food shopping or going out in public, this is a sign your anxiety is disproportionate to the situation. If you can not perform day-to-day tasks because of strong, unrelenting feelings of anxiety, it can be a sign of anxiety disorder.
6)You are having panic attacks. The hallmark of a panic attack is extreme fear typically accompanied by rapid heartbeat, sweating, shaking, shortness of breath, chest tightness, nausea and fear of dying or losing control. Panic attacks can be terrifying. Counseling can help you figure out the situations, thoughts, or feelings that cause your attacks (your triggers).
7)The anxiety is ongoing. If you have been experiencing ongoing anxiety, it can be a sign of an anxiety disorder. Occasional anxiety is an expected part of life, ongoing anxiety is no, unless it is circumstantial (you loss your job, getting a divorce, extenuating life circumstances that were unexpected, etc.).
8)You have physical symptoms–stomach aches, headaches, muscle tension, can’t sleep, dizziness, diarrhea, throwing up. Having physical symptoms on most days of the week is another frequent symptom of anxiety. There is no doubt that stress and anxiety can beat up your body. If your anxiety is causing you to become physically ill, you most certainly should seek out the care of a mental health professional.
9)Feeling irritable. Frequently, people with anxiety disorders experience excessive irritability. Keep tabs on whether you’re blowing up at people or losing your cool. Do you let things that roll off other people’s back make you flip out? Are you unable to manage and control your emotions? It can be a sign you are emotionally dysregulated. Anger and irritability can be a sign of anxiety.
10)Trouble falling asleep or staying asleep. Sleep disturbances are strongly associated with anxiety disorders. Perhaps your mind starts racing as soon as your head hits the pillow. You’re thinking about your never-ending to-do list, that thing you should (or shouldn’t) have said at work, or how expensive your taxes are going to be this quarter. Then you catch a glimpse of the clock, and realize how late it already is which only further escalates your anxiety. Anxiety can lead to insomnia. If your anxiety is causing you to be restless and unable to get a good night’s sleep, you should speak to your doctor.
11)Your anxiety is impacting your relationships. Constant worry manifesting as any of the following: jealousy towards your spouse, your children becoming anxious themselves because you are rubbing off on them, acting controlling towards others to mitigate your own anxious feelings, avoiding friends and family at social events, and communication problems with others are ALL signs your anxiety has escalated to the point of a disorder. The good thing to know is that once treatment for anxiety is underway these relationship issues do improve as well.
12)Using alcohol or drugs to self-medicate. Are you drinking more than usual? Popping pills to numb yourself out (especially if it not your prescription)? Many people who are suffering from severe anxiety will use drugs or alcohol to self-treat their anxiety symptoms.
If you are relating to many of the aforementioned signs, keep in mind, that anxiety is a very treatable disorder.
If anxiety is interfering with your life, whatever they may mean to you, that is reason enough to speak with a mental health professional.
If you anxiety is causing you suffering, you DESERVE to get help.
To schedule a counseling session with me (AND if you are a reader who lives in New Jersey):
https://anewcounselingservices.com/erin-theodorou%2Cm-ed-%2C-lpc
Erin Doyle Theodorou, M.Ed, LPC, NCC
Anew Counseling Services LLC
617 Oradell Avenue, Suite 3, Oradell, New Jersey, 07649
etheodorou@anewcounselingservices.com
The Importance of Being Independent and Taking Ownership of Your Life
As a society, we have become very dependent on other people.
Of course, when we are children we have to rely on others. Children need others to provide food, shelter, safety, and the right environment for them to grow and achieve their potential. We organically become more independent as we progress through life. Yet some people never fully transition to self-reliance and total independence. They go from depending on their parents to depending on their partner or some other close relationship in their life.
The truth is as a culture we have a tendency to rely on others far more than it is necessary.
Depending on your life circumstances, you may be dependent on people for emotional support. Or financial support. Or for your sense of self.
Perhaps you are someone who seeks the approval of others. Or needs to be in a relationship to feel okay. Or your financial well-being is dependent on your parents or your spouse.
At certain developmental stages and life stages, certain dependence is appropriate. For instance during adolescence, it is appropriate to seek approval of others as it is part of growing up. Anyone who studied Piaget knows about the imaginary audience and personal fable of adolescence. Teens may mistakenly believe that everyone around them is watching and judging them, scrutinizing their every move, and can become painfully self-conscious as a result. But this is a phase we all experience (although some people never seem to outgrow it).
There is also nothing wrong with moving back in with your parents after college while seeking employment or staying home with your kids when they are young and depending financially on your partner. Or when you reach your golden years, depending on the assistance of others to help you, is often needed. Different life circumstances can create extenuating circumstances where we need to depend on the support of others.
Yet over the course of life, being independent, is vital to being a well-rounded, healthy functioning person. Being independent means being able to take care of your own needs and to make and assume responsibility for your decisions while considering both the people around you and your environment.
self-re·li·ance
noun
reliance on one’s own powers and resources rather than those of others.
Being independent and able to support yourself, in all aspects of life, remains the cornerstone of a well-adjusted person. Independence refers to all aspects of your life including financial, career, emotional, personal beliefs and values.
It is extremely empowering knowing that you are in control of your own life and your own choices. Financially, emotionally, mentally, spiritually. You do not need the validation or support of others to be okay. Human nature being what it is, you may prefer it, but you do not NEED it.
There are many forms of dependence on others people struggle with but some of the most common include codependency, financial dependency, and emotional dependency. Often times such issues are what lead people to come to counseling.
Signs of codependency include:
- Having difficulty making decisions without advice and reassurance from others
- Having difficulty assuming responsibility for your life
- Having difficulty communicating in a relationship
- Having difficulty disagreeing with others out of fear
- Valuing the approval of others more than valuing yourself
- Lacking trust in yourself and having poor self-esteem
- Having fears of abandonment or an obsessive need for approval
- Having difficulty starting projects or doing things on your own
- Having an unhealthy dependence on relationships, even at your own cost
- Having anxiety or negative feelings when alone
- Having an exaggerated sense of responsibility for the actions of others
- Having difficulty managing and defending personal boundaries
Signs of financial dependency:
- You feel resentment or anger because the money you receive seems to come with strings attached, but you’re too scared of being cut off to say anything.
- You have never been able to financially support yourself through your own endeavors
- You lack even the most basic financial know-how, such as how to balance a checkbook or read a bank statement
- You’re in a physically or verbally abusive relationship, or you’re simply unhappy with your living situation, but you worry you won’t be able to support yourself if you leave
- You lack self-confidence and ambition and are scared you can’t support yourself
- You have no idea what your family income level, net worth, or cash flow is
Some symptoms of emotional dependency:
- Constant and obsessive need to be close to other people
- Constant insecurity about the future
- Feeling of not being good enough to be with the other person
- Obsessive fear of losing love
- Constant feeling of guilt if they don’t pay total attention to their partner
- Acceptance of psychological and physical suffering, for fear of losing the relationship
- A constant and dominant feeling of anxiety
Many forms of dependence can lead to emotional distress.
At the end of the day, you only have yourself to fall back on, so it is a must to be able to handle things on your own. All relationships end at some point or another, that is an inescapable truth. You never know when someone you depend on may pass away. Or leave. In life, anything is possible.
Many people do not want to make choices on their own because they do not want to be responsible for the outcome. Taking responsibility can be terrifying. It is easier to blame others than to take ownership.
Taking ownership means embracing your power to create your own future.
As a clinician, many people come to counseling because they are unhappy about a certain aspect of their life. Yet before a person can change, they must take ownership that their choices and behavior that has gotten them to this point. It is NOT the same thing as taking blame.
Taking ownership means you have CONTROL over your life. Until you take ownership for your actions or failures, it’ll be very difficult for you to develop self-respect or even have the respect of others.
A person cannot be independent and simultaneously not take ownership for their life. Everything in your life requires you to take ownership: the good, the bad, the ugly.
A lot of people don’t want to hear this truth. I hear clients offer up excuses in sessions time and time again for an aspect of their life they find undesirable. We all indulge in this from time to time but at the end of the day everything in your life is a result of the choices you have made.
Your finances…your responsibility
Your relationships….your responsibility
Your health…..your responsibility
Your career….your responsibility
Your (underage) kids…..your responsibility (once they are adults, THEIR responsibility)
Your happiness….your responsibility
Your peace of mind….your responsibility
To take responsibility for your life, is to take responsibility for your thinking, feeling, speaking and acting. You create your life with your thoughts, feelings, words and actions.
Stop blaming your partner, parents, economy, your upbringing for your misfortune.
Stop complaining. Complaining is another form of blaming and playing victim as if you have no choice. If you do not like something, leave the situation, change the situation, or accept it.
Realize happiness is an inside job.
Be the gatekeeper of your life and refuse to have a rerun of the same bad behaviors, thoughts, and experiences of yesterday if they do not get you want you want in life.
When you take responsibility for your life and experience, you step into a place of calm confidence. When you are independent, you feel calm because you know that you are consciously in charge of yourself and that you can choose how you respond.
Standing on ones own feet is important. If you feel this is a struggle for you, counseling may be a good place to start the process of becoming more independent.
To schedule a counseling session with me (AND if you are a reader who lives in New Jersey):
https://anewcounselingservices.com/erin-theodorou%2Cm-ed-%2C-lpc
Erin Doyle Theodorou, M.Ed, LPC, NCC
Anew Counseling Services LLC
617 Oradell Avenue, Suite 3, Oradell, New Jersey, 07649
(551) 795-3822
etheodorou@anewcounselingservices.com
Who is Your Ideal Self? 2019 is the Year to Be Happy and At Peace with Yourself
Hello, 2019!
We are officially in the kickoff of the New Year. It is the year before we head into the Roaring 20’s and you can bet next year will be a doozy, old sport.
New Year’s Day can feel surreal. Many of us are probably in the midst of setting our 2019 resolutions. (Or recovering from the night before–a time well spent with family and friends celebrating the end of 2018).
Goals are important. Setting goals give you a long-term vision and short-term motivation. Goals are what move us forward in life.
Personally, I am a big believer in writing down your goals. Research has shown that people who write their goals and dreams down on a regular basis achieve those desires at a significant higher level than those who did not.
I spent some time dedicated solely to jotting lists broken down into categories of different goals: Financial, Career, Health, Emotional Life, New Experiences, Intellectual Life, Relationships, Volunteer, To Do Around House, Family, Life Vision, etc. (Not going to lie, I LOVE making a good list).
Everyone would have different categories based on their life circumstances and values.
It can be an emotional day come January 1st.
Mixed emotions may come about. We may feel overwhelmed about what are realistic, worthy goals to set for yourself.
While hope and motivation may be at the forefront of your mind, for others, there can be something so unsettling about the start of another new year.
Perhaps you are asking yourself, how did a whole year fly by just like that? That in and of itself can feel unreal. Time seems to be moving more quickly with each passing year. It can seem like we were JUST starting 2018 not too long ago. It is a bit wild how the years seem to fly by, blurring together.
For others, they can be facing feelings of melancholy about another year coming to pass. Another year where they did not achieve any of the goals they set out to accomplish. Or a realization that their life has long become stagnant. They cannot remember the last year where they did something new or different. They may feel unmotivated and uninspired realizing they have spent not just the last year but the last SEVERAL years procrastinating their goals. Many goals may have been lost along their journey through life.
The hard pill to swallow is a New Year can bring about the hard realization you may be stuck in a rut. Your life has become stagnant and you didn’t even realize it was happening.
As a therapist, the last couple weeks of the year, I find clients will often share renewed goals for the new year. But more commonly they will share with me the disappointments of the previous year.
Many of us view the beginning of a new year as the best time to make behavioral changes and overcome unhealthy habits. I know I buy into this time of year being an opportune time to catalyze change in my personal life.
Each new year is a blank slate.
Emotionally, a new year can be trying. It can feel upsetting IF we are not any closer to our goals or becoming the ideal person we hold in our mind (we all have this so-called ideal self–possibly a thinner, richer, smarter, more successful, more athletic, more charming, healthier, more ambitious version of ourself). If you feel this way, instead of building yourself up, you may spend New Year’s day beating yourself up over the failures of 2018.
The fact is we can never get rid of ALL the negative aspects of ourselves because those are very real parts of us. We all have parts of ourselves we struggle to accept.
We all have dreams we are chasing whether we share them with others or not.
The end of the year can turn into a tailspin.
Perhaps the last few months you have shelved even TRYING to become the ideal person you hold in your mind.
Perhaps you have even forgotten what your ideal self even looks like.
Yet goals that connect with our “ideal self” are most effective. The New Year presents an opportune time to connect with that ideal self. When we RESOLVE to change, we feel better—more in control, more hopeful, more confident.
According to Carl Rogers, one of my favorite theorists, we ALL are constantly working towards self-actualization. According to Rogers, self-actualization occurs when we achieve our goals, wishes, desires.
According to Rogers (1959), we want to feel, experience and behave in ways which are consistent with our self-image and which reflect what we would like to be like, our ideal-self. The closer our self-image and ideal-self are to each other, the more consistent or congruent we are and the higher our sense of self-worth.
But sometimes we lose ourselves on our journey to self-actualization.
This is why counseling can be a great first step to helping you get back in touch with the person you aspire to be. It can help you close the gap between your ideal self and your actual self. It can help get you back in touch with the REAL YOU, not the you who has been operating on auto pilot. A person is said to be in a state of incongruence if some of the totality of their experience is unacceptable to them and is denied or distorted in the self-image (Rogers).
Steps to Achieving your Ideal Self
1)Reflect on your current self vs. your ideal self. What don’t you like about your current behavior? What accomplishments are you proud of? What are parts of your current self you would never want to change? What are parts of yourself that you have never seemed to be ABLE to change?
You are the life you lead–so choose your path mindfully.
How do you handle adversity? How you handle conflict? Can you keep your cool under pressure? How do you talk to yourself when you mess up?
What standards would you like to uphold going forward? What kind of person would you ideally like to be? Most importantly: WHY is it important to make these changes? Having a strong why is a MUST for lasting change.
2)Reflect on COMPETING GOALS. The fact is many of us have competing goals vying for our attention and time. We need to not be so hard on ourselves when we have to shift focuses. Life is truly a balancing act. It can be hard to strike a balance between being a good parent with a demanding career. Being social while being on a strict diet. Traveling the world while saving money. Managing our various goals can be TOUGH. You need to have flexibility in your expectations depending on what is taking precedence at any given time. Let go of absolutes in your thinking patterns–ALWAYS, MUST, SHOULD, NEVER.
3)What would you do–if money— was not a concern? For many people, money is a defining factor in their life. For others, it is a limiting factor. How differently would you live your life (if different at all) if money was not a factor? The answer can be telling.
4)What do you want people to say about you and your life at your funeral? Great parent? Good friend? Successful? Well-traveled? Kind soul? Did a lot of good for others? No answer is right. But how you answer this question reflects much on what you value in life.
5)Remember you ARE the life you lead. Ask yourself–what is your day-to-day life like now? Are you a dedicated parent? A career driven professional? Someone who makes time for loved ones? A fitness fanatic? Dedicated to healthy eating? Are you kind? Are you thoughtful? Are you having an impact in a positive way the lives of others? Are you well-read? Do you travel? Do you do the right thing? Do you sit by silently when you see someone being mistreated? Do you mistreat others? Do you mistreat yourself?
6)Remember you ARE how you spend your money. Ask yourself–do you value experiences over materialistic objects? Do you pour all your money into living the most extravagant lifestyle you can or do you live below your means saving for the future? Both are reflective of YOU AND YOUR VALUES. Do you spend more than you should? Do you save? OR do you feel well-balanced between the two?
7)Remember you ARE what you eat. Ask yourself—do you eat like you love yourself? Do you far too often indulge in processed food, sugar, and fried food? Are you committed to healthy eating? Are you committed to your health, period?
8)Revise your goals to better reflect your limitations and true capabilities. It is important to be honest with our positive and negative qualities. We ALL have limitations. Often our goals feel because we do not take said limitations into account. Be kind to yourself but be realistic. All unrealistic goals do is set you up for failure (and pain).
Most importantly: Our daily life IS who we are. How do you spend your days? If today, was your last day on Earth, could you say you are proud of the life you led? Are you happy with your day-to-day existence?
These questions may seem like a lot to think about and reflect on. The answers will be unique fo all of us and a reflection of our values. One caveat to keep it mind is we are ALL human. Do not expect to tackle EVERYTHING you set out to do all at once. We cannot expect to be our IDEAL self 100% of the time. Life happens (stress happens). None of us are always in a total state of congruence. If you are feeling overwhelmed, consider speaking with a therapist who can help you unload and process through some of those feelings.
Make 2019 the year you work hard, but work JUST AS HARD on self-compassion and being kind to yourself, as you stumble along the way to achieving your ideal self.
To schedule a counseling session with me (AND if you are a reader who lives in New Jersey):
https://anewcounselingservices.com/erin-theodorou%2Cm-ed-%2C-lpc
Erin Doyle Theodorou, M.Ed, LPC, NCC
Anew Counseling Services LLC
617 Oradell Avenue, Suite 3, Oradell, New Jersey, 07649
(551) 795-3822
etheodorou@anewcounselingservices.com
Erin Doyle Theodorou, M.Ed, LPC, NCC 