A Different Version of You Exists in the Minds of EVERYONE You’ve Ever Known

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I have always found it fascinating the way people describe themselves. People’s self-views naturally tend to unfold in conversation. As a counselor, I get a unique opportunity to hear people be very forthright with their self-views, insecurities, and perspectives on self and others.

Personally, I find human psychology and people’s vastly different perspectives FASCINATING. Anyone who knows me knows I ask a fair amount of questions. I ALWAYS want to know more. I love hearing other people’s thoughts and perspectives, as I am curious to how other people think and view the world (explains why I went into counseling!)

Oftentimes, I find it interesting how differently two people can view the same person. It makes sense though because people meet us at different points along our life journeys. We all also bring our own unique lenses to our perspectives and opinions.
As humans, we exist on a continuum. We are certainly not the same person we were today as we were ten years ago, or for many of us, even a week ago, depending on what stage of life you are in.

It is not possible for us to grow in our relationships, careers, our mental and and emotional health, without evolving, whether we want to or not. We are ALWAYS changing–whether that change is progress or regression is a different story.

The fact is people may have one experience with us many years ago, and in their mind, we are the same person we were then, when that is not the reality for us or people that know us today.

The gist of this blog post is that the person you think of as “yourself” ONLY exists FOR YOU.  The fact is every person in your life, every person you ever meet has a different version of “you” in their heads.

We are not the same person to our parents, our siblings, our friends as we are to our coworkers, our neighbors, etc.

Thus, is everybody knowing a different version of you, does anybody really know you at all?

Often, I remind clients I work with that at the end of the day we only have so much control about how we are perceived. We all view life and other people from our unique vantage point. While I think it is important to acknowledge how differently we are perceived by others based on how rare or frequent their interactions with us, it is also important to remember people see us as it convenient for them for whatever narrative is running in their mind. We are often far off in our perceptions of self and others because of our own biases and NEED to view life in a certain way. 

I truly believe that the version of ourselves that exists in our minds is most important. We must live with ourselves day in and day out. We lack any control over how other people choose to view us, so it is a complete waste of time to concern ourselves with other people’s biased perceptions. That being said I find it helpful to also be mindful that our view of another may not be entirely accurate but tainted by our own biases.

The point is there is going to be choices and decisions we make that we will deem the right choice and acceptable, whereas others will deem unacceptable and inexcusable. I often help clients accept this truth especially teens and young adults who are struggling with their parents’ disapproval.

Part of human nature is trying to simplify complex, nuanced aspects of life, no matter how complicated the issue. Yet life is complicated and messy.

So, think about who you want to be. To yourself but also to others. What impact do you want to have? Our actions have ripple effect on everyone around us. Even the type of day we are having can have an impact on how someone else views us because that just happens to be the mood, we are in.

In counseling, many people want psychological advice. Many times, complaints are focused on relationship partners, family members, and coworkers, but hidden underneath it all is the question, “WHY DO I PUT UP WITH THIS?” But the deeper question is, “What kind of person am I to be in this situation?”

I always tell clients the key to be any meaningful change is answering the salient question of what kind of person do you want to be. There is ALWAYS a choice. The answer you give entirely depends on you.

To schedule a counseling session with me (AND if you are a reader who lives in New Jersey):

https://anewcounselingservices.com/erin-theodorou%2Cm-ed-%2C-lpc

Erin Doyle Theodorou, M.Ed, LPC, NCC

Anew Counseling Services LLC

617 Oradell Avenue, Suite 3, Oradell, New Jersey, 07649

(551) 795-3822

etheodorou@anewcounselingservices.com

 

 

 

 

 

Why Fall is a Great Time for Self-Reflection

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“If winter is slumber and spring is birth, and summer is life, then autumn rounds out to be reflection.
It’s a time of year when the leaves are down and the harvest is in and the perennials are gone.
Mother Earth just closed up the drapes on another year and it’s time to reflect on what’s come before.”
– Mitchell Burgess –

Autumn in the Northeast is a special time of year. Fall is an opportune time for introspection and reflection about life. As the leaves begin to change color, the days get shorter, leaves fall away, and colder nights start to appear – these all are the signs of a new change in the circle of nature. Fall is a bittersweet season–the leaves are beautiful but they are in fact dying. This time of the year with its picturesque beauty always inspires me to reflect. Similarly, to nature that follows its seasonal patterns, we also face constant changes in our lives.

While fall may seem a season of decline as we head towards winter, it is actually a good time to sum up the results of the year, set new goals and begin something new. To find yourself is a lifelong process–do you ever find yourself wondering how you ended up where you are? Often we avoid asking ourself the hard questions because they can bring about uncomfortable feelings. If you are not careful, not mindfully aware of where you are going, you could end up somewhere far from where you want to be.

Fall is the end of many things but it can also signify new beginnings. Autumn can be a time to see the colors, notice the details, explore nature, and find beauty in the moment. All of these changes going on around us can signal a time to reflect on the past and plan for the future.

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Self-reflection is defined as “meditation or serious thought about one’s character, actions, and motives.”

Too often we don’t stop to pause and take a deep breath. We keep moving. We live on auto pilot. We push through. We don’t stop to reflect. We stay in jobs that are (literally) killing us, relationships that zap our energy, circumstances that leave us stressed, unhappy, frustrated and tired.

We keep running on the treadmill of life thinking we don’t have time to waste. So we keep moving in order to keep up. But too often, we just crash and burn. That’s because the only way to keep up with the pace of life is to STOP. To hop off the treadmill. To reflect on what’s working and what’s not.

Self-reflection is a four step process:

  • STOP: Take a step back from life or a particular situation.
  • LOOK: Identify and get perspective on what you notice and see.
  • LISTEN: Listen to your inner guide, the innate wisdom that bubbles up when you give it time and space to emerge.
  • ACT: Identify the steps you need to take moving forward to adjust, change or improve.

It’s about taking a step back and reflecting on your life, behavior and beliefs. Some questions to help facilitate the process:

1)Am I using my time wisely?

2)Am I waking up ready to take on the day?

3)Are my relationships healthy? Are the people I am allowing into my life the right people?

4)Am I where I want to be? If I am not, how do I get from where I am to where I want to be?

5)Am I taking care of myself physically?

6)Am I taking care of myself mentally?

7)Am I letting matters that are out of my control stress me out?

8)Am I achieving the goals I set out for myself?

9)Are there any beliefs that are limiting me?

10)Am I living my life according to my values?

If you find you are not happy with the answers to these questions of self-refletion, counseling can be a great avenue for helping you change the course of your life. If you are interested in scheduling a session with me and are a reader living in New Jersey:

https://anewcounselingservices.com/erin-theodorou%2Cm-ed-%2C-lpc

Erin Doyle Theodorou, M.Ed, LPC, NCC

Anew Counseling Services LLC

617 Oradell Avenue, Suite 3, Oradell, New Jersey, 07649

(551) 795-3822

etheodorou@anewcounselingservices.com

 

 

Are You Comfortable with Being Uncomfortable?

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Are you comfortable with being uncomfortable? For many people, the answer is a resounding NO.

Many of us prefer the easy road.  We fear change, so we don’t push ourselves to the next level. We possess a natural proclivity to stick with the status quo, to resist the unknown, to stay comfortable.

Yet discomfort as a natural part of the human experience. If you’re uncomfortable with discomfort, you probably run away from uncertainty and change.  But the fact is in today’s world you can’t run away from change!  Change is all around us-everything in life is fluid.

We exist in an increasingly fast paced world. You either evolve or let the world pass you by.

If you can’t force yourself out of your comfort zone and embrace the discomfort of change, you will remain stuck. We all have people in our lives who fight like hell to maintain the status quo– people who have not evolved in ANY sense of the word—in 5, 10, 15, 20, sheesh in some cases even 30+ years.

There is no growth without change.  The question is do you want to grow? Do you want to make progress in your life–in your career, your relationships, your health, your finances, your personal development? Or do you want to stay in the same exact place you were for many, many years?

It is easy to look at the people in our lives and see who IS changing and growing. We can just as easily look at the people around us and see who is the poster child of stagnation. Yet it is much tougher to take a good, long, hard look at ourselves.

Ask yourself–what has changed in your life since last year? Five years ago? Ten years ago? If you find the answering to this is “not much” this may be indicative that your growth game is NOT strong. If you stop growing, you are going to be unhappy.

The thing that often stops people from growing is their disdain of discomfort.

The truth is people often bolt at the mere sign of discomfort. But when you hide from the tough issues, you may play it safe and refuse to take risks.  You may steer clear of difficult conversations at home and at work.  Afraid of conflict, you may fail to challenge yourself or others, to greater performance and a better life. But when you expect discomfort as a natural part of life you do not overreact to it.  You are not thrown off by it. The real issue facing our society is many people feel entitled to not feel any discomfort in their lives. 

Being able to sit with your own feelings of discomfort without ACTING on them is a sign of emotional maturity.

Most people can’t even tolerate being uncomfortable for short amounts of time. This is why we see people disappear into forms of escapism and distraction— eating, drinking, drugs, drama, all kinds of addictions, or abusive behavior.

How often do we let discomfort stop us from being who we truly are or from living the life we dream?

Many of us are driven by the need to be comfortable at the expense of all else. There are people who crave security and certainty even if this consists of compromising on other goals they may have.

Many of us never even try because we are afraid to even start.

Because we all KNOW starting can suck. Whenever you start something new, it sucks. Not always, but quite often. You are the new guy at work, it sucks. You are the new student in school, it sucks. You are moving across the country to start anew, it sucks. You start a diet, it sucks. You start working out, it sucks.

Anything outside of our comfort zone can seem daunting.

A comfort zone is a beautiful place, but nothing ever grows there.

Growth requires change. It requires discomfort. Ask yourself: are you comfortable with being uncomfortable? Can you go through the growing pains and make it out to the other side?

If you are going to win at this game we can life, it’s all about not letting your discomfort make you throw in the towel, not start the race, or give up in the middle.

You’ll get comfortable with being uncomfortable when you realize that pushing pass those feelings of discomfort and leaning into the discomfort is where you feel the most genuinely alive.  

You will also be able to handle WHATEVER life throws at you. Being comfortable with discomfort is the cornerstone of self-efficacy.

If you find you struggle with being uncomfortable and see it have a negative impact on your life, counseling may be a place to start processing through those feelings.

To schedule a counseling session with me (AND if you are a reader who lives in New Jersey):

https://anewcounselingservices.com/erin-theodorou%2Cm-ed-%2C-lpc

Erin Doyle Theodorou, M.Ed, LPC, NCC

Anew Counseling Services LLC

617 Oradell Avenue, Suite 3, Oradell, New Jersey, 07649

(551) 795-3822

etheodorou@anewcounselingservices.com

 

 

 

Everything Can Change, If YOU Can Change

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Change.

Many people HATE change. They fight it like hell. Resist it at ALL costs.

We all know people who will do ANYTHING to preserve the status quo.

But you can’t avoid change. The problem with hating change is life is FILLED with it.

Everyone, from every walk of life, must deal with change.

Change is always happening, but the way people react to change can be very different. Some people respond with fear, others respond with denial, others RELISH change.

What about you? How do you handle change?

Are you someone who puts off changes that you know need to be made?

Do you resist change to your own detriment?

Are you a person who creates opportunities for change because you view change as growth?

As humans, we are designed as a species that can adapt to all sorts of environments. If we weren’t CAPABLE of coping with change in all likelihood, we would be extinct.

For some people, they are not against change. But they may resist BEING changed.  It is the source of the change that matters to them.  Some people do not like change that is imposed on them—by say a boss, spouse, or some other external source.

Some people don’t mind change...depending how big the change is.  Perhaps they can change a small aspect of their life but anything they deem to big and threatening is out of the question.

The truth is we all HAVE different thresholds when it comes to our ability to adapt to change. What I can handle you may not be able to handle or vice versa. Being averse to change or embracing it is a very subjective experience.

It all comes down to how comfortable you are with uncertainty.. Ask yourself–would you rather be WRONG or UNCERTAIN?

Some people say better the devil they know because the risk of uncertainty is too UNCOMFORTABLE for them to handle. Even when on an intellectual level a person knows uncertainty also comes with the chance of things being BETTER.

Below is a quiz I came across, that takes only a couple minutes, to get a sense of how much change you feel comfortable with:

https://www.leadershipiq.com/blogs/leadershipiq/122984769-quiz-how-do-you-personally-feel-about-change

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If you find you want to change or need to change but have not been able to bring yourself to do so, you may benefit from working with a professional counselor.

Counseling can help you step out of your comfort zone to a more fulfilling, happier life. As you change your behavior, you identity starts to shift.  Our identity is NOT fixed, we are all capable of changing for the better.

The question is are you READY for a change?

To schedule a counseling session with me (AND if you are a reader who lives in New Jersey):

https://anewcounselingservices.com/erin-theodorou%2Cm-ed-%2C-lpc

Erin Doyle Theodorou, M.Ed, LPC, NCC

Anew Counseling Services LLC

617 Oradell Avenue, Suite 3, Oradell, New Jersey, 07649

(551) 795-3822

etheodorou@anewcounselingservices.com