Tag: counseling

Are You The Problem? Here’s How to Tell, and How to Change

by Erin Theodorou, posted in counseling, psychology, self-help

There is no good way to say it…but sometimes the problem is YOU.

Rarely if ever, when you ARE the problem, do you realize it.

But maybe, just maybe, the problem with your life is you if:

*You push too hard to get your way.

*You think only one opinion matters-yours.

*You barely have any friends, and the friends you do have, are not very close friends.

*You are older than 5 and still yell. Or scream. (bonus point if you do this in public)

*You expect people to do as you say. Period.

*You can’t keep long-term relationships.

*You worry so much what other people think that it inhibits your life.

*You can’t control your emotions. And are a slave to them.

*You struggle with getting along with people at work.

*You enjoy saying passive aggressive things.

*Putting others down makes you feel good.

*You are not happy for others.

*You only see in black and white.

*You think everyone else is …..(fill in the blank: stupid, immature, selfish —whatever your favorite go to generalization is).

*You can’t accept difference of opinions.

*You hate to listen.

*You lie.

*You manipulate.

*You knowingly hurt others.

*You can’t apologize.

*You never learn from your mistakes.

These are just a few signs that it’s not them. IT IS YOU.

Problems are really based often on our own perspective. It is obviously never fun to admit you have a problem, let alone you ARE the problem. Most of the time, people need the help of others (with a different perspective), to help them overcome such unhealthy behaviors.

If you see yourself in some of these behaviors, you are probably damaging the  relationships in your life, left and right.  You may not think you are the problem, but if you engage in said behaviors, you are likely a problem for others. While some people might stick it out with you no matter what, like your parents or spouse, you are probably driving most people away. At best, people in your life are tolerating you.

But there is hope. It can change. AND you can change.

And you will feel better if you do.

The first step is recognizing these behaviors in yourself.

If you can and do recognize these unhealthy behaviors, it is time to take a moment and ask yourself WHY you are creating such negativity in your life.  Admitting it is half the battle. If you can admit to yourself you indulge in some of these behaviors, you can begin to eliminate them.

But if you continue to hold yourself above self-reflection, or be in denial about the way you act, you cannot begin to heal and grow.

Think long and hard about yourself, and be open and honest, about what is going well in your life, and what you would like to change. Writing this piece has deepened my commitment to recognizing when I engage in such behaviors myself–which we all do from time to time. None of us are perfect. It also opened my eyes to appreciating all the people in my life who are so kind, warm, positive, and loving. Which is the way I think we all, at our core, want to be.

Be well, my friends.

If you are interested in counseling with me:
Erin Doyle Theodorou, M.Ed., LPC, NCC, ACS

973-963-7485

etheodorou@theodoroutherapy.com

10 Signs You are Too Stressed Out

by Erin Theodorou, posted in counseling, psychology, self-help

Stress…it has a way of sneaking up on you.

We live in a time where being busy has become an indicator of success. As a culture we are obsessed with being productive. How often have you asked someone how they are doing and they replied, “Busy!”  People are proud of their busyness. Yet being super-busy inherently includes with it stress. With our never-ending to-do lists and our calendars filled on the daily, we rarely if ever, take time to evaluate if we are under too much stress.

How much stress we can handle is largely subjective. We all do not have the same capacities for stress. It is not helpful to look at what other people can manage as a way to gauge how much stress you can handle in your life.

Stress happens to all of us–there is no avoiding it. It is a fixture in modern life.  Whether real or imagined, when you perceive a threat in your life, the body activates your nervous system’s “fight or flight” response, releasing cortisol, adrenaline, and a host of stress response hormones, preparing you to better handle the “threat.” Stress can make your muscles tense, beads of sweat appear, your stomach ache. Your breath may begin to shorten as your heart pounds.

Stress can feel like it is killing you, and the fact is, chronic stress CAN.

You may be thinking to yourself, well, how will I know if I have too much stress in my life? When does it cross the line from a healthy amount to potentially deadly?

Here’s how.

Signs You are Reaching Your “Stress Breaking Point”

1)You have mood swings and no energy. Our lives are full of events that activate the stress response. You are running late to the airport OR your son calls in the middle of the day from school sick OR you forget your phone at home OR the water heater breaks as you are leaving for work OR your cousins once removed are coming to stay for a week and your house is a mess. Do any of these sound familiar? It is important you monitor your emotional well-being for the emotional signs of stress–crying, mood swings, having trouble concentrating, difficulty making decisions, irritability. Stress can bring on a roller coaster of emotions and increase your vulnerability to anxiety and depression.

2)Anxiety has become your new companion. Anxiety can be normal in stressful situations. But worrying more than usual can be a sign your stress levels are out of control.  Too much stress can be a catalyst for developing an anxiety disorder. Many external factors can lead to anxiety-stress in your marriage, stress from work, stress from a serious medical illness, financial stress.  Stress creates anxiety. Anxiety makes it hard to manage stress. What a vicious cycle–chances are you engaged in it more than a few times. When stress and anxiety begin to interfere with normal functioning, it is time to seek help.

3)Sleeping is impossible for you. You are always exhausted, yet when nighttime comes, you can’t fall sleep. OR maybe you can fall asleep but staying asleep is the problem. It is a terrible feeling to live in a chronic state of exhaustion. Waking up tired is usually a symptom of being spread too thin. You feel lethargic just thinking of all that you have to do that day.  When night comes, you may find yourself laying in bed, with your mind racing. This is a sign you can’t shut down your overwhelmed brain.

4)You have frequent headaches. Advil is on you at all times. You pop aspirin like it is candy. You can hardly go a day without experiencing a horrendous, debilitating headache. Tension headaches and migraines are part of the body’s stress response. Identifying triggers can help to reduce the build up of stress that lead to these types of headaches.

5)Your libido has changed. Stress can lead to a diminished libido. Psychological stress impacts our hormones including suppressing our sex hormones. If you are chronically stressed, in all likelihood, your sex life will begin to suffer.

6)You have chronic pain, digestive, or skin problems. Is your job giving you a stiff neck? Do you find yourself breaking out after spending too much time with your mother? Does fighting with your husband get your stomach in knots? Stress often manifests in physical symptoms. Perhaps you have gone to the doctor and they cannot find ANY medical cause for your symptoms.  Many physical symptoms can be triggered or exacerbated by stress.

7)Your appetite changes. Stress can spike or kill your appetite. Or it can do both depending on the seriousness of the situation and the level of stress hormones it secretes by the particular stressor. Maybe you loss your appetite when you are stressed by work. But you become ravenously hungry when stressed by your wife and kids at home.  These stress hormones mess with your digestive system and screw with your sense of hunger. The gut-brain connection is REAL.

8)Pessimism is your new normal. Chronic stress can have an impact on your personality–including influencing how you view the world, making your irritable, impatient, frazzled. To boot, people with a pessimistic attitude tend to be less adept at handling stress. It can make you wonder which came first–all the stress or the pessimistic attitude. Pessimism leads to stress AND stress leads to a pessimistic attitude. Classic chicken or the egg.

9)You are having difficulty making decisions. Stress can make it hard for people to make decisions. It can be that you got tunnel vision–there is only one right choice and one wrong choice. And you HAVE to make the right choice. When you overwhelmed by stressed, it is hard to compromise or see the nuances of a choice or situation. Stress  has a way of moving us towards the safest, sure-fire option. It can make it hard for you to pull the trigger because of fear of making the wrong choice. Stress, as you can imagine, leads to poor decision-making.

10)You are easily annoyed by people and things. Stress can make you grumpy. No one wants to be a grump.  Yet when we become overwhelmed by our stress, other people are viewed as pains or nuisances. We become frustrated by other people even if they may not be doing anything annoying. Things (houses, cars, clothes) can be seen as burdens–taking up your time, energy, and adding to your already too long to do list. Stress can cause us to get inappropriately angry at the littlest thing. None of us want to live in that state.

So, what do you do if you are seeing yourself in some, hopefully not many, of the signs listed above?

Just by recognizing and identifying these symptoms in yourself is a great first step to mitigating the stress in your life. There is nothing wrong with keeping busy. But it is up to you to decide when your lifestyle is crossing the line between manageable and unmanageable. You have to remember–as long as you are alive the bills will keep coming, the responsibilities will keep building, and there will never be more than 24 hours in the day. Life has cycles—and the stress will always be there.

Balance is key to living a happy and healthy life. We all KNOW the generic tips to stress reduction: exercise, meditate, eat right, keep a positive attitude, get enough sleep.  Self-care is a must. It is practicing these tips that we need to work on.

We are an adaptable species-I have faith that we all have it in us to better manage our lives. If you can learn to go with the flow, life will be that much more easier to manage.

Remember, stress is not what happens to us, it is our response to what happens to us.

Be well, my friends.

 

Sorry, You Can’t Have It All

by Erin Theodorou, posted in counseling, psychology, self-help
So you want to have it all, eh? You want to have a killer career, the perfect kid, a hot and heavy marriage, a big house, a nice car, and travel the world in your free time? (Because you would clearly have so much of it). Oh and you are doing it ALL this while keeping a super fit body because what is the point of doing well if you are not looking good when doing it? Right? Sorry, to tell you this, but it ain’t gonna happen. The reality is none of us have it all. We may do a good job of making it appear that we do but behind closed doors something always has to give. When most people talk about “having it all,” they tend to focus on all the external stuff like having a big house or getting a new job or getting their kid into an Ivy league school. Many of us are controlled in life by all or nothing thinking–we feel unless we have everything going right for us, we have nothing going right for us. We live in a society that tells us doing more means doing better. We are told that all of us, if we work hard enough, can have it all. It is this type of message that will make us feel like our lives are never good enough. A few days ago I was talking to a friend about all the pressure to “have it all”–to be perfect in a sense. It is an idea we all take part in perpetuating in our culture. I always wondered to myself, who wants it all– that sounds exhausting. Yet haven’t we all felt this pressure? This pressure to have it all starts in our early lives. Growing up, in elementary school, we are stressed the importance of getting good grades, being the “Star Student of the Month,” and getting those academic awards of recognitions. By high school, academic achievement isn’t enough. By the teen years we are expected to be smart, good-looking, fit, well-liked, athletic, and at the top of the social and intellectual hierarchy. Later in adulthood-comes the career ladder–which we are expected to climb and climb rapidly. In our society 40 hour work weeks just don’t cut it and if you aren’t doing more than average in your profession, you are failing.  The treadmill of your career is where the elevation and speed keep going faster and faster until you literally feel yourself about to fly off. Add to that pressure to be a perfect parent (if you have children) and raise the ideal child. Welcome to adulthood, where the 24/7 nature of our lives, refuses to allow us to slow down. As you can see, from the time we are old enough to read and write, the pressure begins to have it all. In this day and age, it seems even more challenging than ever to even attempt to have it all–work is no longer left at the office, relationships are now supposed to both emotionally and financially fulfilling, parenting is competitive and all-consuming, and social media offers constant comparison to everyone in our social network. The truth is having it all is just a way of the thinking that arises from our desire to compete with one another. As human beings, we are wired for competition and comparison. The reality of human nature is that we gauge how well we are doing by comparing ourselves to everyone around us. He has a nicer house than me–but I bet he can’t afford it. She is better looking than me–but whatever I am smarter. That dude drives a Porsche-must be nice–but too bad he is too old for that car. She is younger than me–but I looked better than her when I was that age. That dude has a real nice body–but he should be because he doesn’t have any real responsibilities. If I had his time, I could live in the gym too. Sound familiar? Human nature has us always jockeying for position–with a side of rationalizing as to why someone is perceivably “better” than us is one facet it or another. So, better or not, we will figure out a way to feel like we have a leg up on the competition. This type of thinking has largely driven the “having it all” mentality. This mindset is unlikely to change anytime soon. But the reality is none of us can have it all. Anyone with even a working knowledge of economics knows about “opportunity costs.” I remember learning about opportunity costs in high school–our teacher used the example of going to college for four years vs. starting work right after graduation. Make money right away or make more money down the road. There is no right or wrong choice-it is up to you what your goals are. Basically, opportunity costs means that every choice you make costs you something else, even if indirectly. Thus going to college for four years is costing you four years you can be out in the world earning a full-time salary. Every day we have opportunity costs–sleep an extra an hour or haul your ass to the gym.  Perhaps you decide to drag yourself to the gym. Despite gaining the value of a good workout, you lose the extra hour of sleep. Taking advantage of one opportunity always means giving up something else you can have potentially been doing. So what is the answer to this dilemma? Perhaps the solution is as simple as accepting our own limitations and deciding what we truly value. Then we can prioritize our lives around those values.  We cannot be everything to everyone. Something has to give. I find the people who are struggling with trying to have it all are really just struggling with deciding what to give up. Everything in life is about priorities. You can’t have everything so you have to prioritize. Nevertheless try not worry too much about how other people live their lives and what they do because at the end of the day there is only so many hours in a day. We all face opportunity costs. Don’t buy into the axiom, “You have the same amount of hours in a day as Beyonce.”  Well, Beyonce also has a full-time staff to clean her house, take care of her kids, cook her meals, run her errands. She also has Jay-Z to look after (and to look after him closely if the Lemonade album has taught us anything). The truth is you have to choose. YOU. If you want something bad enough, it is going to come at the expense of something else. Most of us are never taught this truth–our society ingrained in us from our early years the notion we can have it all. We are largely raised to define our self by external metrics of success.  Some of these metrics are useful, some are not. We all get 1,440 minutes a day. It is up to you to decide how to use those minutes and how you measure your life.
If you enjoyed this article and are interested in seeking counseling with me: https://www.psychologytoday.com/us/therapists/erin-doyle-theodorou-nutley-nj/243617 Erin Doyle Theodorou, M.Ed, LPC, NCC

THEODOROU THERAPY, LLC

590 Franklin Ave. Suite 2 Nutley, NJ 07110 973-963-7485 etheodorou@theodoroutherapy.com

Why am I So Angry All the Time?

by Erin Theodorou, posted in anger, anger management, counseling, psychology

Anger has many costs. While it can feel so justified, so right in the moment, it is in the aftermath where it becomes a source of regret and guilt. What may of seemed so deserving and just, now leaves behind hurt, scars, and alienation.

If you get angry on a regular basis, every relationship in your life can be affected. Take a second and reflect on your life as of late. Do you find yourself getting angry with people all the time? Being more sarcastic lately? Acting very impatient with others?  Or maybe you are feeling that your default mood is becoming pissed off?  Or perhaps you find that you may even be struggling with being angry at yourself?

Our anger takes its toll on those around us—friends grow distant, coworkers avoid or try to sabotage you, your relationship can become a minefield with your partner walking on eggshells to avoid setting you off.  Anger is an emotion that drives people away.

Anger also affects your health. It is well-known anger’s negative impact on your heart. Anger triggers our fight or flight response—pumping cortisol, adrenaline, and other stress hormones through our body. Our blood pressures rises. Our heart races. Anger can be deadly.

When we talk about the emotion of anger, we are talking about the emotion of self-preservation. You become angry when someone is not showing you respect, speaking ill of you,  creating conflict, or bringing some sort of tension into your life. When someone or something activates your sense of self-preservation, you want to stand up for your principles, your convictions, for who you are.

If you are struggling with anger, then likely something in your life isn’t going quite right. Most people don’t get angry when things are going well. Anger stems from being displeased about someone or something. It can often mask other emotions—fear, sadness, jealousy, hurt, disappointment. Anger can be a way to deal with a situation when you aren’t ready to face your more vulnerable feelings.

Here are some reasons you can be feeling so angry

  1. Powerlessness. Anger can be viewed as a state of powerlessness. All of us on some level, feel the need to be in control. If you are struggling with a sense of no control over a situation, or a goal of yours is being thwarted, this can explain your state of anger.  Anger can be an empowering emotion.
  2. Fear. Fear of loss, hurt, shame, weakness, embarrassment, and other vulnerable emotions. One can see that anger is an emotion that can be intimidating and threatening. If you are feeling afraid or threatened by someone or something, you might display anger as a way of protecting yourself from what you perceive to be a threat. Yet as the wise Yoda says, “Fear leads to anger, anger leads to hate, and hate leads to suffering.”
  3. Hurt. Hurt and anger are just different sides of the same coin. Hurt is the vulnerable expression of the experience and feeling hurt is what usually leads us to anger.
  4. Pain from the Past. If you are holding onto pain from the past, it can be showing up in your life as anger. You can feel wronged or hurt by something someone did to you a week ago, a month ago, a year ago, OR years ago. Pain like this can mature into bitterness.
  5. Stress. Stress is likely to increase anger in those who are prone to it. There is strong link between anger and stress. Stress comes into play in the physiological response to anger—the hormonal response we have to this emotion.   We see people acting out their  stress and anger on the daily in our society–road rage, workplace violence, mass shootings. It is an epidemic.
  6. Jealousy. Jealousy is a naturally occurring emotion. If you ever watch kids play, you can witness how easily this emotion bubbles to the surface. A child’s jealousy is developmentally appropriate because jealousy is a sign of undeveloped thinking.  As we mature and grow,  we usually focus less on others, and more on our goals and our own values.  Psychologically healthy adults know it is pointless to compare their lives to others. We all start in different places and are running different races. Yet many people still struggle with jealousy in adulthood. Jealousy can produce tremendous feelings of anger.
  7. People pleasing. Even if you are the most agreeable, nicest person on the face of this Earth, repressing your needs for others time and time again, is going to breed resentment. That repressed anger is going to spill out in one way or another–eye rolling, facial expressions, procrastinating, Freudian slips. People pleasers often share many traits with codependents. Codependency and anger go hand in hand (right alongside those feelings of powerlessness and yearning for control).
  8. Entitlement. A sense of entitlement often starts the vicious cycle of anger. When you expect others to do what you want, regardless of their own desires, you are setting yourself up for disappointment and frustration. Both of which lead to anger.  Now adays, more than ever, we are living in an age of entitlement.
  9. Self-importance. Anger and resentment are self-important emotions. Anger and self-importance go hand in hand. Often you can spot a self-important person by their anger. If things are going their way, they can be charming and wonderful. If someone or something gets in their way, say hello to full on rage.
  10. Loneliness. The price of anger can be loneliness–no matter how caring or sincere a person may be towards them, the angry person can’t appreciate it. Angry people often have a general disdain for humanity.  People who struggle with their anger tend to keep other’s at arm length and in doing so experience less fun, less support, and less joy in life.

How to Overcome Your Anger 

Anger is always a choice. It is also a habit. For a person who habitually suffers from anger, they tend to blame shift another person for their pain. Many times when we experience emotional pain we may ask ourself, “Who is responsible for this?” An angry person never takes responsibility for their pain.  Angry people look for someone to point the finger at and assign blame to.  Once there is a target of blame,  they can discharge their hurt with anger to this person.

There is a certain pleasure we feel in blaming others. It means in that moment we don’t have to look at ourselves, our shortcomings, our problems, our faults; we can put the spotlight on them. When we have someone to blame, we get to point out their sins and what is wrong with them, turning the focus completely off us.

The problem with doing that is we can’t make someone else responsible for what we feel including our pain. You and you alone are responsible for the quality of your life. Whether you are happy or not, whether your needs are getting met, whether the relationships in your life are going well, is determined by the choices you make. Thus the only way to stop being an angry person is to accept the fact that currently you are in fact an angry person. Then and only then can you begin to take responsibility for your anger.

Look at the costs of anger to your life, especially, in terms of your health and your relationships.  Be realistic about the causes of your anger and begin to keep an anger journal to observe and monitor the patterns of your anger. The journal can be helpful in  processing all the triggers and circumstances in your life that’s gotten you feeling so angry all the time.

Anger can only be controlled if you change the way you assess and interpret what goes on in your life. You can begin to control your anger by changing the thoughts that trigger it.  These trigger thoughts are a bit different for all of us but they tend to be grounded in a lot of “should” thinking.  We all have our own guidebook about how we and others should behave.  When someone does not follow one of our “rules” we get angry. Stop policing other people’s behavior because it only leads to feelings of frustration, anger, disappointment and resentment.  The word “should” inherently implies what you think you is correct and what the other person thinks is wrong, bad, stupid, etc. People are never going to act how you think they “should.” If you expect people to play by your rules, I can guarantee that you can find a reason to be angry every day, for the rest of your life.

Managing your anger is an active process–a process only you can control. I have faith that you can. But if you don’t learn to control your anger, it my friend, will come to control you.

If you enjoyed this article and are interested in seeking counseling with me:

https://www.psychologytoday.com/us/therapists/erin-doyle-theodorou-nutley-nj/243617

Erin Doyle Theodorou, M.Ed, LPC, NCC

THEODOROU THERAPY, LLC

590 Franklin Ave.

Suite 2

Nutley, NJ 07110

973-963-7485

etheodorou@theodoroutherapy.com

10 Signs You Have a Victim Mentality

by Erin Theodorou, posted in counseling, psychology, Uncategorized

Before you can change an aspect of who you are, first you need to be willing to recognize it.  Are you someone with a victim mentality? A person with a woe is me attitude.  A person who NEVER is to blame for any of the problems in their life–regardless of their actions or words.  A person with a victim mentality feels the world is against them and there is nothing they can do about it. If you are not one of them, I am sure you KNOW one of these people–because we all know SOMEONE with a victim mindset and these people are extremely draining. These people are perpetual victims of their own making and victimhood is a way of life for them. It is a deeply ingrained habit and most of the time the person who embodies this mindset can’t see it in themselves. They may be able to see it in OTHERS, but not in themselves.  People with a victim mentality tend to lack self-awareness.  If you have a victim mentality, not only do you cause stress and frustration for those in your life, but create this experience for yourself. Are you wondering if this could be you?

Ten Signs You Have a Victim Mentality

1.You Feel You are Not Responsible. Pause that. Maybe YOU ARE responsible–for the good things that happen in your life, sure. You will take ownership of THAT. You may even take credit for other people’s successes in your life–your husband got a promotion? Well, of course he did, because I am a great wife! And I push him to succeed. Your daughter got a scholarship to a great college? Well, of course she did, great parenting! You may love to take credit for others’ successes including bragging about them like they are your own. You may even humble brag about your own successes (because who doesn’t). But take ownership for the problems in your life? NO WAY are you taking responsibility for that! Get out of here on THAT!

Get into a fight with your wife? She is being crazy and unreasonable. Struggling at work? Not my fault. My boss is a real jerk.  Your sister has been avoiding you because of how much you complain and create drama in the family? She is the asshole. Your doctor refuses to have you as a patient anymore because you have not lose the weight or quit smoking like he’s been telling you for YEARS? Not my fault he obviously is a jerk who is ONLY in this for the money, he doesn’t care about his patients!

See where I am going here? Nothing in your life is your fault–it is always others or circumstances beyond your control.  You do not want the weight of responsibility for anything that is not going well in your life.

2.You Feel Others are Trying to Hurt You. Let’s be real here. Most people aren’t against you. They are for themselves. Human nature is what it is. But if you have a victim mentality, any time someone says something that rubs you wrong or you feel someone doesn’t give you the attention you feel you deserve, you think they are out to get you. It wouldn’t occur to you that people are busy with their own lives and that not everything revolves around you. People with a victim mentality tend to be a bit paranoid–thinking Facebook posts are about them, an unanswered text is an assault of their well-being, a birthday gift that isn’t up to their standards is taken as a slight-I know they gave me this to piss me off. People with victim mindsets not only feel others are actively trying to hurt them, but they also feel others should do more of the work in the relationship. They feel entitled–they feel you should call them, text them, reach out to them, make plans with them, and so on and  so forth. They pass the burden of maintaining the relationship onto you. Often people with a victim mentality have rocky, unstable relationships. Of course–this is never their fault–other people are just self-absorbed, uncaring assholes. RIGHT.

3.You Blame Others. If you are in a relationship with someone who has a victim mentality, you can bet that any conflict will not be their fault. These are the people who notice YOUR changed behavior but do not have the self-awareness to notice how THEIR behavior made you change your attitude towards them.  In any conflict, they will expect you to change but feel they did nothing wrong. They would never think about changing their behaviors towards you to see if they garner a different response. These people often have double standards-they can be short with you, but if you respond in kind, you are the one with a problem. They can not call you but expect you to call them. They can say rude things to you but god forbid you say something snarky to them. I think you get the gist. The blame game is their favorite to play! These people have blaming others and coming off like the innocent victim down to a science.

4.You Feel Powerless to Stop or Change a Problem. You may feel other people just suck. Or life sucks. You feel there is nothing you can do to be a catalyst for positive change in your life. You are just a passenger in your own life. We all know this is bullshit. But if you are someone with a victim mentality this is your gospel.  It doesn’t matter what the problem is or who in involves. If it is a conflict with your boss, you may start looking for a new job instead of working on the way you interact with her. If it is a problem with your health, say your doctor has been telling you to lay off the cigarettes, you may just got to a new doctor who won’t give you grief about your smoking. If it is a problem with a friend, instead of trying to look at things from his perspective, you will just start taking tiny digs at him, hoping he gets the message that you are upset with him. People with a victim mentality feel they do now have the power to change the circumstances of their life and wait on others to step up.  Like the John Mayer song, they are waiting, waiting, waiting on the world to change.

5.You Hold Grudges. Nothing reinforces a victim mentality like a good old grudge. Victims LOVE to be wronged. Love it! Listen, if someone does you wrong, YOU have the power to change what kind of relationship you have with them (if any at all).  Some people really are just shitty. But the burden of their shittiness IS NOT YOURS TO CARRY! Do what you need to do but don’t stew in resentment or hold onto bitterness towards them. All that does is give another person power over you. Victims love to give away their power. Victims love to hold onto the feeling of being wronged.  This is just a way of life for these people. Yet it is not worth holding onto those negative emotions because then the person who hurt you is continuing to live inside of you in an emotional sense. When interpersonal conflict arises, try seeing things from the other’s person perspective, look at the role you played, try to work it out, and if not, it is time to move on. If you really did nothing wrong, be satisfied with that and get on with it. Don’t continue to stew in the horrible behavior of SOMEONE else. Don’t wait on an apology. Don’t wait on them to change their behavior. It is not your job to police the world. If the other person is truly despicable, you learned who they truly are, you have the option to change the role this person has in your life, and keep it moving. Don’t keep the negativity going in your own life.

6.You are Passive Aggressive. Nothing screams victim mentality like passive aggressive behavior. These people tend to have little confidence and do not have the courage to speak their mind directly, but they sure love to get their anger across in covert ways! Moodiness, sulking, indirect digs, sarcasm, eye rolling, the backhanded compliment, silent treatment, lying, manipulating, triangulating, getting others to do their bidding, and so on and so forth. These people pride themselves on their passive aggressive maneuvers. They see themselves as the puppet masters pulling the strings behind the curtain. If someone is being passive aggressive with you, they are not worth your time. Give your attention to people mature enough to say what they truly feel.

7.You are Selfish. Playing the victim is inherently selfish. Ever been around someone who needs to make everything about themselves? Even if it has NOTHING to directly do with them? These are the people who somehow manage to make it all about THEM and how it affects THEM. They love to garner sympathy–playing the victim card at any chance they get. Negative or positive attention–it is all the same for them as long as the attention is on them. People with victim mentalities are the stars of their own movie. It is impossible to get these people to see things from your perspective because they don’t care about your perspective. They care about how they were wronged, how it affected them, how they are hurting, how this isn’t fair, how they are disappointed, and so on and so forth.

8.You Love to Complain. Complaining is a way of life for someone who plays the victim. If anything it is an anomaly for you have anything positive to say. There is no topic on Earth a person with a victim mentality can’t complain about. Rarely do these people have a good word to say about anyone or anything. Complaining is as natural for them as breathing.

9.You Have Low Self-Esteem. Feeling not good enough is at the core of a victim mentality. These people feel weak and powerless.  People with low self-esteem tend to develop a victim mindset because they feel they do not have the self-efficacy to change–at least not to change themselves. However, they may feel they can try to change others. If they felt they could change themselves, they would not feel the need to blame circumstances, others, and a largely “unfair world.”

10.You Compare Yourself to Others. Listen, this one is tough—we live in the age of Facebook, Instagram, Twitter, where comparing yourself to others is easier than ever before to do.  All you have to do is scroll through your phone to see what others in your “world” are up to you at any given moment. Comparing yourself to others, and coming up short, is a catalyst for feeling like a victim. Why is their life so fun when I am home plopped on the couch?! Not fair! Comparison is also what causes people to try to victimize others when they feel they come up short. The sad truth is there is often a bitterness to a person with a victim mentality and comparing themselves to others is one of their many bad habits. Often enough, they find ways to invalidate the success of others and to feed their victim mindset–anything to perpetuate the thought that they got dealt a shitty hand in life.

As you can see, when you take on a victim mentality, you are pretty much giving up ownership and responsibility for your life. You also are giving up the chance to be happy.

If it seems like a victim mentality can’t be beneficial to living a joyful and fulfilling life,  so you might be wondering, why would ANYONE want to live like this? Because like anything else, there are payoffs.

Such as?

~Attention and validation. Victims love to complain and whine about their problems. Successful people rarely play the victim card. But for the people who play it, they use their victim status as an excuse for why they may have not achieved a great deal. Often it helps a victim bond with others over how they have been “wronged” and what an “unfair” lot in life they have been given. Victims often grip about how others are “evil” and “bad.” Of course, when others are wrong, evil, and bad, the inference is that they, as the victim, are “right,” “moral,” and “good.” A victim gets to be the hero, the “do gooder” in their own twisted story.  A “poor me” attitude gives people an artificial “high” from their sense of self-righteousness.

~Staying in one’s comfort zone. Victims do not need to change. Why would they? They did NOTHING wrong. There is certain sense of comfort in feeling like a victim. Victims hate change. These are people who love to maintain the status quo.

~Avoiding responsibility for your life. If you are a victim, you are not responsible for the world around you and you often blame others. Blaming others can feel so good. It absolves you from having take a good, long hard look at yourself when you are busy pointing the finger.  It also gives you a fall sense of superiority to blame others and the circumstances around you instead of taking ownership for ALL aspects of your life.

~It is a role from childhood and it feels familiar. Perhaps growing up you played the victim with your parents to get your needs met. Maybe you use to blame your siblings and scapegoat them to get your way. Or maybe you watched your mom play the victim card with your dad to get her way. A victim mindset is often rooted in childhood.

But now the time has come to change for the better. To become a person who takes ownership for all the things in their life-good OR bad. If you have a victim mentality, there are ways to begin to shift your mindset to a more positive way of being.

Strategies to Stop Having a Victim Mentality

1)Be willing to give up the so-called “benefits” of being a victim. The attention. The sympathy. The shirking of responsibility. Playing the martyr role. If you are playing the victim, you are headed nowhere good fast.  Begin to look for proactive ways to go after what you want in life. Be an agent for change. For example, if you are unhappy in a friendship, try to make the effort to work on the relationship. It may not be reciprocated (which you cannot control) but then at least you know where you stand. Do not keep on waiting for the person to reach out and then complain they don’t care. If you want a relationship to improve, you need to make the first move.

2)Stop complaining. I know it is addicting. We all have our moments where we complain too much but it is when it becomes a way of life–that is when it is a problem. It is so much easier to complain than it is to ACTUALLY do something. But habitual complaining is bad for your health–your mental AND physical health. Complaining is a quick way to make yourself–and everyone around you–miserable. Start to break the habit. Complaining keeps you from taking action. But worse it keeps you in a negative reality.  To quote Maya Angelou, “If you don’t like something, change it. If you can’t change it, change your attitude.” Sometimes what you need is an attitude shift more than any actual external change.

3)Stop living in the past. People with a victim mindset are often grudge holders. They can remember with great detail what you did to them…in summer of 2002. That’s right– I said 2002. They can remember vividly (and with fresh rage) the time their mom made them stay home on a Friday night from their favorite band’s concert– while ALL their friends were allowed to go. That was so unfair, they still think to themselves, 20 years later. They can remember when their parents spent more money on their little sister than on them at the mall. When they were 9 years old. NINE. They can remember when their high school boyfriend stood them up to go hang with his friends. Or the college professor who embarassed them when they fell asleep in class. These types of people remember EVERYTHING.  There is no perceived wrong a person with a victim mentality can let go of. Yet the time has come to stop living in the past and LET IT GO. No good comes from holding onto all that negativity. If is literally a cancer of the mind. If you are an adult, you need to accept that life is not always fair. Not just for you but for everyone. We all get the short end of the stick sometimes. Stop making things worse for yourself. One way you can begin to anchor yourself in the present is to start a mindfulness practice, which may be helpful, if you are someone who ruminates (which most “victims” do).  Try working on living in the present moment and leave the past where it belongs- in the past.

4)Take responsibility for your life. This one is kind of self-explanatory. Everything in your life is 100% your responsibility. That’s right-I said EVERYTHING. The good, the bad, and the indifferent.  If you are unhappy with something, it is time to either make a plan to change it or work on changing your mindset.

5)Know you always can choose differently. We are all one choice away from a completely different life. Stop feeling stuck. If you are stuck, you are choosing the status quo over the fear of change.

6)Get counseling.  I am biased with this one, I know. Yet a good counselor can help you process your hang ups from the past, look at the ways you are currently contributing to the problems in your life, and help you begin to shift your perspective.

7)Be grateful for all the good things in your life. It is hard to be a victim when you practice the art of gratitude.  Try to be grateful even for the bad experiences in your life–they have taught you many lessons. People who may have wronged you have acted as great examples of who NOT to be. Unfortunate circumstances can help to open your eyes to all the many blessings in your life.

8)Learn to forgive. Let go of the grudges you carry towards others. And yourself. Stop beating yourself up for choices and mistakes you made YEARS ago. Stop being angry for what people did to you. Everyone, including you, is doing the best they can. Anger and resentment are heavy burdens to bear. See how it feels to get the weight of anger and resentment off your back.

9)Help others.  Try looking outward. People with a victim mentality tend to spend a lot of time navel gazing and nursing their grudges. Victims tend to think over and over again about all the ways they have been “wronged” in life and are extremely focused on themselves. Try to do something to help and support others-it is hard to feel like a victim when you are focused on being there for others. Be a positive influence in someone’s else life–that is true empowerment.

10)Give yourself a break. You are doing the best you can. Most victims struggle with their self-confidence. Stop being so hard on yourself–beating yourself up does nothing but foster negativity and encourage you to keep the victim mindset.  If you feel negativity on the inside, you will inevitably manifest negativity, in your external environment.

The time has come to release yourself from your self-made prison. Take control of yourself and your life.  No matter what happens in life, we all have a choice in how we respond. To live your best life, you need to see yourself as a survivor, not a victim. Once you let go of being a victim, you can begin to free yourself from all the negativity you have been carrying, for far too long.  Just remember, if you want to fly, give up everything that weighs you down.

If you enjoyed this article and are interested in seeking counseling with me:

https://www.psychologytoday.com/us/therapists/erin-doyle-theodorou-nutley-nj/243617

Erin Doyle Theodorou, M.Ed, LPC, NCC

THEODOROU THERAPY, LLC

590 Franklin Ave.

Suite 2

Nutley, NJ 07110

973-963-7485

etheodorou@theodoroutherapy.com