Tag: psychology

Are You Judgmental? Or Do You Fear Being Judged? The Misery that Arises from Both Sides of the Judgement Coin.

by Erin Theodorou, posted in counseling, psychology, self-help

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Nobody cares what you think.

Alright.  That might sound a little harsh. Let me roll it back a little bit.  I will be fair here. Maybe a few people do–hopefully your parents do. And your kids if you have them. Your partner. And possible a few people in your inner circle of close family and friends.
But for everyone else you come in contact with? They don’t care.

I personally find this truism very liberating.  There is such freedom in realizing no one cares what you think. Most people spend their days thinking about themselves, not the other people around them.

In general, people feel what they feel, think what they think, do what they do. Nothing you say will likely get anyone to change their mind. Have you ever read someone’s political post or read a comment that you disagreed with and thought, “Hmm they ARE right, I am going to change my mind.” That would be the anomaly not the norm. People tend to be pretty entrenched in their opinions especially the older they get. There is a reason for the saying it is hard to teach an old dog new tricks! The truth is most people are not moved by the opinions of others, particularly, if they have a strong sense of themselves and their own values.

The reason I felt this topic was important to write about is as a therapist, I have seen people who are so CONSUMED by what other people think, it inhibits their life.

As a clinician, I have heard time and time again, “Well, what would they think?” The answer is WHATEVER it IS, it doesn’t matter because in all likelihood whatever they (whoever “they” are) thinks will be forgotten about quickly. Most people do not have the time in the day to spend thinking about you, your mistakes, your choices. Human nature being what it is-people are egocentric.

For some of us, this is just a given. But for others, who struggle with worries about what other people think, this is something they may need to hear.

It is our OWN egocentrism in thinking people are that concerned with us and are paying THAT close of attention to our lives. Yet this is a common presenting problem I see that brings people into counseling. Many people, across all age groups, struggle with worrying about what other people think of them.

At certain times in our life, this is normal. Being worried about what other people think is developmentally appropriate during adolescence when we are in the stage of having an “imaginary audience” where one thinks other people are paying close attention to him or her and watching their every move closely.

However, as you mature, if you still continue to think that other people are paying that close of attention to you-you may be stuck in an adolescent stage of development. During adolescence it is also normal to have a “personal fable” where one thinks they are unique and special. But this egocentrism is supposed to be a stage we develop and mature out of. It is appropriate when you are 15 to have a personal fable with its corollary the imaginary audience, but it is not appropriate when you are 35.

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Realizing this, we need not let ourselves be consumed by the opinions of others, as they really aren’t paying that close attention to us in the first place.

If there is in fact someone out there fixating on you and your life, that is unhealthy. Unhealthy for them, not you! (unless of course the person in question is a celebrity or politician or some public figure–I follow the news on some of these folks closely myself!)

But this is good news–knowing that other people do not care what you think should bring a sense of relief. Realizing this should help you become comfortable with not caring what other people think either.

Now when I say you shouldn’t care with what other people think, I don’t mean you should be rude. Or impolite. Or inconsiderate. Or disrespectful. What it means is you should live your life according to YOU. And your values. Without worrying about how other people will react to your decisions and choices.

It is just not psychologically or emotionally healthy to live your life for the approval and validation of others.

I have seen so many people who live in fear of what other people think–prisoners of their own making. It is a recipe for misery.

I often find these same people who fear others’ judgement are the same people who judge others the MOST.

We all struggle with being judgmental to a certain extent from time to time. Judging is just so easy, it is the path of least resistance. We judge everything we can about other people: how they look, their politics, their bodies, their Facebook posts, career choices, parenting choices, choice of partner. We may judge so much it can become a way of life for us.

But I need to tell you something.

It is a big waste of time.

Not only do most other people not care about your judgments, being judgmental makes YOU miserable. Not the person you are judging.

Other people’s judgments really do say more about them than the person they are judging. Most people tend to use our own metrics (biased in favor of themselves of course) to judge others.

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It explains:

~Why married people tend to think marriage is preferable to being single

~Why single people think being single is preferable to being married

~Why people who are parents think it is better than people who choose not to have kids

~Why people who choose not have kids think it is better than people who choose to become parents

~Why stay-at-home moms think they are better mothers than moms who work

~Why working moms think they are better mothers than moms who stay-at-home

~Why people in the private sector think their work is a better choice than people who work in the public sector

~Why people in the public sector think it is a better choice than people who work in the private sector

Get the gist? 

Notice our judgments tend to validate our own life choices.

When we judge, we get an instant hit of self-righteousness.  It is basically us congratulating ourselves for our great choices (and remember, this isn’t other people congratulating us, this is us patting ourselves on the back).

But the more we judge, the less tolerant we become.

The less tolerant we become, the more conflict we will have with other people.

The more conflict we have in our lives the more miserable we will be.

I write this with the hope that if you are someone who is so consumed with the worries of what other people think, that you gently realize, most people are caught up in the things going on in their own lives. That you should lighten up and live as you please without the fear of what other people will think. We humans are very egocentric beings. People are worried about hiding their own imperfections from the world, not focusing on yours.

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And if you find you have developed the habit of judging, and you have a lot of anger in your heart, you would do well to seek support. Being judgmental keeps others at a distance and creates misery for you and others–most of all you!

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If you enjoyed this article and are interested in seeking counseling with me:

https://www.psychologytoday.com/us/therapists/erin-doyle-theodorou-nutley-nj/243617

Erin Doyle Theodorou, M.Ed, LPC, NCC

THEODOROU THERAPY, LLC

590 Franklin Ave.

Suite 2

Nutley, NJ 07110

973-963-7485

etheodorou@theodoroutherapy.com

If you enjoyed this article and are interested in seeking counseling with me:

https://www.psychologytoday.com/us/therapists/erin-doyle-theodorou-nutley-nj/243617

Erin Doyle Theodorou, M.Ed, LPC, NCC

THEODOROU THERAPY, LLC

590 Franklin Ave.

Suite 2

Nutley, NJ 07110

973-963-7485

etheodorou@theodoroutherapy.com

Can You Tolerate Uncertainty? The Answer May Reveal Why You Struggle with Anxiety

by Erin Theodorou, posted in counseling, psychology, self-help

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We live in an age of uncertainty.

Not knowing can be the worse.

 All of us experience anxiety from time to time. 

It is a part of the human condition to feel the discomfort that is anxiety. Many of our “firsts” trigger such feelings of anxiety-our first day of school, our first time away from home, our first date, our first kiss, our first job.

Anxiety can also be brought on by life events: going away to college, getting married, your first job, having a baby, buying a house, getting divorced, selling your house, retirement. Any major life change, positive or negative, can produce worries and feelings of apprehension. In life changing moments or when you are in unfamiliar waters, these feelings are to be expected.

As human beings, we have a tendency to hate change.

Dealing with an uncertainty is an inevitable part of life. None of us can predict the future. For some of us this is just an inalienable truth to life–none of us know what the future will bring. But for others, their INability to tolerate uncertainty causes distress and suffering.

Anxiety is the root cause of controlling behavior. Many people struggle to control themselves, the people in their lives, and their environment. For them, this is a way to try to ensure certainty in an increasingly uncertain world.

Some of us can tolerate a large amount of uncertainty in our lives but for others even a small amount can feel unbearable.

The sad thing for people who suffer with anxiety is they miss out on many of the unpredictable, unplanned for moments of life that come with going with the flow. Of spontaneity. Of just waiting to see how the day unfolds.

For people who cannot stand uncertainty–their increasing levels of anxiety makes their world smaller and smaller. If anxiety isn’t effectively managed it can take over your life.

Anxiety suffers tend to use safety behaviors designed to eliminate uncertainty.

As many as 1 of 4 adults suffer–meaning there are people in your life who struggle with this disorder and you may have no idea.

Anxiety is the most common mood disorder in the United States (NIMH).

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If you are wondering if you or someone you know may be struggling with anxiety below are some behaviors and red flags of people with high anxiety:

~You have trouble having fun

~Seeking reassurance from others

~Withdrawing from others

~Sleep disturbances

~Refusing to delegate tasks to others

~Difficulty focusing

~Mood swings

~Procrastinating

~Needing to be in your comfort zone (usually your house or some other environment you feel in control of)

~Planning things down to the minute (can’t let others make the plans)

~Unwilling to travel to new places (or at all)

~Relationship issues (constantly checking in, codependency, not going anywhere without your partner)

~Overthinking

~Struggling with anger

~Second guessing (yourself and others)

~Underemployment or unemployment

~Difficulty with change

~Preparing for every possibility (or trying to)

~Having a dislike for anything new (new equates to uncertain)

~Avoidance of said new places, new people, new experiences

~Avoiding any situation (or person) you feel you cannot control

 

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If you recognize yourself in these behaviors, there are steps you can take to mitigate your anxiety.

1)Stay in the present moment. Anxiety comes from projecting our attention into the future. Anxiety is negative thoughts about the future–negative what-ifs and worst case scenarios. Practice bringing your attention back to the present when you feel your anxiety levels rising.

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2)Expose yourself to the things that make you anxious. Avoidance behavior is an effective way to relieve anxiety in the short-term, but increase your anxiety in the long-term. Anxiety will continue to make your world smaller and smaller unless you push yourself outside of your comfort zone. Take baby steps out of your comfort zone.

3)Reflect on your personality. Certain personalities are more prone to anxiety–some people have a more active brain than others–reflecting, worrying, analyzing things to death. You may worry too much about what others think or about making a mistake. If you fall into this category, you are more likely to struggle with anxiety.

4)Stop focusing on yourself. Anxiety is a very much a focus on your feelings, your thoughts, your reactions. A large part of anxiety is centered on how things affect YOU. Try to step outside of yourself and focus on helping out someone else. As someone who works in a helping profession, I find helping others is one of the most effective ways to lessen my OWN worries and anxious thoughts. It is hard to sit in worry and anxiety when you are busy with connecting and helping others.

5)Seek counseling. A good therapist has numerous technique and coping skills they can provide you with. They can also help you work through the root causes of your worries. Counseling is a good place to start your recovery from anxiety.

And lastly, what is the likelihood something bad will happen? I often have my clients discuss with me things they worried about that never came to fruition. It helps them to recognize that most of the things we worry about, never happen.

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How We Manage Our Shame

by Erin Theodorou, posted in counseling, psychology, self-help

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In a previous post, I discussed shame and how OTHERS may try to shame us, the reasons why, and how shame has its roots in one’s upbringing.

Equally important is how we are able to manage our own feelings of shame towards ourself as it is pivotal to our well-being. Shame can undermine our relationships and often runs our lives without us even knowing. Shame is a silent killer if you are not able to recognize its powerful presence in your life.

Everyone experiences shame. For healthy people, the shame they feel passes.

For others, shame is an emotion they try to cover up with other emotions-anger, aggression, passive aggression, rage, envy, jealousy, anxiety.

Shame is something we may to try to project on other people–terrified of being judged we may attempt to point out the faults in others to keep the spotlight off our own imperfections.

Perhaps we become self-deprecating. We may shame ourselves as a way to acknowledge our faults and failures before anyone else can point them out.

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Shame can also be such a fundamental part of our experience that it shapes our sense of self and identity.

Many people who struggle with shame develop into one of the two distinct personality types: the narcissist or the codependent.  (A codependent cannot be a narcissist, but a narcissist CAN also be codependent). These personalities are based on an undefined self. In both, shame and control are intricately tied together. Narcissists and codependents rely on OTHER people for their sense of self.  Each of these personalities place a lot of importance on what other people think of them.

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The only way to over come these shame based personalities is to give up your attachment to control, you will find your shame disappearing.

For narcissists, they hide their internalized shame with an outward expression of arrogance, contempt, rage, and criticism towards others. Narcissists lack empathy.  These are people who very much live in fear of being found out. Narcissism is the mask they use to cover up their deep-rooted feelings of self-loathing and toxic shame.

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Narcissists are famous for unloading their shame onto others with insults and put downs. By making others feel bad about themselves, a narcissist can ease their own pain. Shame is the cause of their aggressive, mean-spirited behavior.

This shame based personality type truly feels they are right and you are wrong and that you are an idiot in comparison to them (obviously you feel GREAT being in their company).

A narcissist will battle to the death if they feel their sense of self (their false sense of self) is challenged. Narcissists can dish it out but hell hath no fury like a narcissist scorned!

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Another shame based personality type is the codependent. Codependents try to control their internal feelings by controlling other people, events, and circumstances.

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For codependents,  their shame is also internalized, but expressed outwardly in a different form than the narcissist’s.  Similarly, a codependent’s sense of shame leads to other painful feelings and destructive behavior. With codependents, their shame plays out in care taking, passive aggression, people pleasing, control, resentment, and non-assertive communication. Codependents can’t speak their minds and similarly to narcissists, have a tendency to blame others. Often they are martyrs who are proud of their giving, self-sacrificing, long-suffering, and a selfless devotion to you (something they will hold over your head when it suits them).

Codependents try to be puppet masters pulling strings behind closed curtains. They are super focused on others. Their desire to feel needed is intertwined with the desire to feel important.

Codependents vacillate between feelings superiority and inferiority. Shame can come out as jealousy, envy, or judgement of others. By diminishing others, a codependent gets a superficial boost to themselves and get to hide their feelings of shame from their self.

If you are ruled by shame you may find yourself isolated–from family and friends. You may be cut off from your own authentic feelings which for you are too scared to feel.

Both narcissists and codependents hate to feel their feelings and the subsequent vulnerability that expressing our true self entails.

Vulnerability is very threatening to narcissists and codependents alike.

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Codependents and narcissists as you can see are BOTH sides of the same coin.

Outside of the more extreme personality types of narcissism and codependency, shame can present in others way in our lives. Shame can affect how we function in relationships.

If you struggle with shame and control, you may find you either under-function OR over-function in your relationships.

While most people understand that balance is key to a fulfilling relationship,romantic or otherwise, it seems that many of us can’t escape the trap of either under-functioning or over-functioning.

Signs you overfunction in your relationships:

~You worry a lot

~You struggle with controlling behaviors

~You do for others what they can do for themselves

~You love to give advice (feeling a sense of responsibility for others and how things turn out)

~You are concerned with managing your image

~You moralize (moralizing is the tendency to harshly judge certain behaviors)

~You triangulate (triangulating is a manipulation tactic where one person will not communicate directly with another person, instead using a third person to relay communication to the second, thus forming a triangle)

~You overparent—both your kids AND other adults (taking care of others is a way to keep you from having to pay mind to your own issues)

~You take on the role of care-giving

~You try to change others

~If someone does not stay in sync with you/agree with you (how you think, how you feel)–you can’t be friends or in a relationship with them

Signs you underfunction in your relationships:

~You set goals and don’t follow through

~You let your partner make the decisions

~You ask numerous people for advice rather than make decisions on your own

~You let others do for you things you can do for yourself

~You struggle with addictions-food, alcohol, drugs, etc.

~You frequently are physically or emotionally ill

~You become less competent under stress

~You are underemployed

~You self-sabotage

~You zone out to tv or video games

~You seem lazy or unmotivated to others

Whenever someone is underfunctioning, someone else is overfunctioning.

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Narcissism, codependency, overfunctioning, and underfunctioning all have their roots in shame based feelings. These are ways our feelings of internalized shame manifest in our lives.

Shame and control go hand in hand. When you give up your attachment to control, and instead choose compassion toward yourself and others, you will find your shame dissipate.

If you explore it carefully, if you navigate shame with compassion, you find the comfort that comes from no longer hiding from yourself—or keeping yourself hidden from others and the world.

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Dysfunctional Families: Who They Are and How to Overcome Yours

by Erin Theodorou, posted in counseling, psychology, self-help

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Ever wonder if you were raised in a dysfunctional family? There is no real guide to determining if a family is categorically dysfunctional, but here are some questions to ask yourself:

~If people tell you that you are like your mom or dad do you get upset and hope it is not true?

~Do you have a history of struggling with depression?

~Do people in your family always “react” to the choices of other family members? Dramatic reactions in fact?

~Have you said something hurtful (or many hurtful) things to someone in your family and wish you could take it back?

~Is your family quick to blame?

~Do you feel guilty standing up for yourself?

~Have people in your family said things to you that were just plain cruel?

~Do you feel angry often?

~Do you constantly people please?

~Are you a perfectionist?

~Do you struggle with your self-esteem?

~Do you self-medicate? Alcohol, drugs, food, sex?

~Is your family judgmental and critical of others?

~Do you relate to others with dysfunctional families? Alcoholic parents? Divorced parents?

~Is your family competitive with each other?

~Do you believe you will be (or are) a better parent than your parents?

~Is there on-going conflict in your family? With different members? Across the different generations?

~Do you struggle with anxiety?

~Is it hard to communicate in your family?

~Does it feel like there is a hierarchy within your family? Where some members are more important than other members?

~Do family members gossip about other members? Lots of third-party conversations?

~Growing up was your home life unpredictable? Did you move a lot? Switch schools frequently?

~Do you feel afraid to disagree with your family outright because risk of rejection?

~As a kid, did your parent feel more like a friend than a parent?

~Does your family hate change? Are new members welcomed in? Are adult children encouraged to be independent?

~As a kid, were your parents overly strict? Overly permissive?

~Is there a lack of diversity in your family? Are differences of opinion tolerated?

~Do you fear being abandoned?

~Did one (or both) of your parents leave you as a child? Physically or emotionally

~Is it hard for you to trust others?

These are just some possible signs of dysfunction in the family system. You may relate to some, none, or many of the aforementioned questions. Dysfunction exists on a continuum. If you relate, don’t feel too bad–most families have some level of dysfunction inherent in them– which is usually passed down from generation to generation.

Nobody comes from a perfect family.

Yet in dysfunctional families, every member has a role. The rescuer, the victim, the persecutor. For every rescuer there is a victim. For every victim there is a persecutor. So starts the triangulation of these “roles.” Dysfunctional families frequently engage in triangles.

Triangulation is when instead of members talking directly with each other about problems, they bring an outside person in to intervene in a conflicted or stressful relationship, in an attempt to ease tension and facilitate communication.

Let’s say brother A tells brother B he would like brother C to help out more with their sick father who needs a lot of day-to-day assistance at home. Dad is getting older, with more severe health issues, and can use all the support he can get from ALL his sons. When brother B goes back to brother C and gives the message, then brother C will wonder why brother A didn’t just come and ask for himself.

There is always a manipulation tactic within triangulation. Brother A might not like to ask brother C or he might know brother C will say no so he hopes brother B can be more convincing than he was when he asked the last week. Or maybe brother A realizes the only way to get brother C to do what he wants is to put familial pressure on him. When both brother A and brother B ask brother C, then brother C might feel even more pressure to comply.

Dysfunctional families triangulate to coerce other members to do things they rather not do. They also use it as a way to manage conflict. People who triangulate will call this “venting” but the healthy way to deal with conflict is to talk about it directly with the person you are having conflict with. The problem with triangles it is usually prevents, rather than invite, the resolution of conflict.

Venting and complaining about family disintegrates all three relationships within the triangle. Trust fades for someone who talks about others behind their backs. Respect also lessens for someone who listens complacently to endless fault-finding.

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Triangulation is also extremely unhealthy when children are involved. The wife who confides in her young son about the troubles in her marriage. The father who shares his worries about finances with his tween daughter instead of speaking directly to his wife.  In dysfunctional families we often see parentified children-where the child is expected to act as the parent and the parent acts like the child. The oldest child may help his siblings off to school, makes lunches, helps with homework because the parent, for whatever reason, is unavailable–whether physically or emotionally. Often a parentified child acts like parents to his OWN parents. The parentified child usually takes on the role in an attempt to keep chaos at bay and keep the family unit functioning and together. Later when the parentified child grows up they usually pick a spouse who is dependent–so they can continue to play this role of parent to their spouse.  This is a clear example of boundary problems and unhealthy roles within the family system.

Another common problem in dysfunctional families is the lack of self-differentiation. Murray Bowen, who is the father of this concept, made it one of the cornerstones of family systems therapy.  Self-differentiation has two tenets: that you are able to separate your feelings from your thoughts AND you are able to distinguish between your experience and the experience of those you are connected to.

Being self-differentiated is being able think for yourself and act according to your own values. When you are self-differentiated you able to disagree with the choices of a family member without trying to get them to change.  The less differentiated you are the more impacted by others’ thoughts and opinions you will be. A highly differentiated person can maintain a solid sense of self even under considerable stress and anxiety (Bowen). People who are self-differentiated are not reactive and are able to make decisions independent of the input of others. At a lesser level of differentiation, a person is dependent on the input of others to make decisions and function. A person with a low-level of self-differentiation will exhibit many symptoms of stress and often act destructively under pressure. Even intelligent people can be poorly differentiated (Bowen).

When you are self-differentiated, you still care about your family and want to be connected to them. Yet you are able to limit the chaos and are not be enmeshed with your family. Enmeshment is when you are defined by the family system and look to it for your happiness rather than to the outside, larger world. When you are enmeshed, your sense of identity is wrapped up in your family. You are not able to recognize where you end and they begin. This psychological boundary does not exist in dysfunctional families.

In unhealthy family systems, it is hard to differentiate because differences are not tolerated. If you are conservative and your family is liberal you are mocked. If your family is athletic and you rather read than play a sport, you are teased.  If Christmas is always at sister Susie’s and you want to have it at your house, you are met with resistance. Change is not welcome in dysfunctional families-of the individual or the system as a whole. In this type of family differences are not celebrated. Lots of shame permeates the family system.

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In dysfunctional families, members are made to feel guilty if they don’t visit enough, call enough, come home enough.  In such families, alliances are often being formed. These alliances are ever shifting. Alliances form because members are expected to choose “sides” on every issue. In healthy families, members don’t gang up on others, pick sides, or insert themselves into conflict between other members. These are all symptoms of an unhealthy family system at play. Remaining neutral in the face of conflict is a sign of maturity and self-differentiation.

For example in enmeshed families, there tends to be a lot of drama because everyone feels entitled to opine and react on the decisions of other members. For example, son A decides he is going to move across the country for a job. In an enmeshed family, the parents may take this as a betrayal and personal affront. They may feel he is abandoning the family. Mom and Dad share their hurt and disappointment with son B instead of sharing how they feel DIRECTLY with son A.

Therefore, son B may pick a fight with son A to express his disapproval and as a way to align with the parents. Son B and the parents are forming a coalition to try to impede son A’s decision to move away. When Son A responds in a level-headed, non-reactive way to his parents and brother, calmly stating why he is choosing to move, he is met with anger and rage. His parents and brother take his calmness and composed demeanor as a sign he does not care or love them.

In unhealthy families, chronic anxiety exists. When you self-differentiate and are non-enmeshed you are much more relaxed and calm. This is viewed as a threat to other family members who are still in a state of enmeshment. In toxic, immature families becoming more mature, less reactive, and less anxious is viewed as you don’t care, you don’t love me, you are cold.

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The blurring of self is normal in a dysfunctional family. If you come from a family riddled with dysfunction, the idea of personal boundaries may seem foreign to you. You are used to living in a bondary-LESS environment.  A person’s willingness to accept your boundaries and limits show where their level of respect is for you AND how emotionally developed they are. In a dysfunctional family it is hard to negotiate with other members the amount of separateness and closeness you feel comfortable with because compromise is not something rigid family systems can do.

Dysfunctional families can be cult like. Oftentimes family members are not even aware of the dysfunction or in denial about it. Things are never discussed. Third party conversations run rampant. Direct communication does not exist. Expectations are never questioned. It is just the way it is.

All dysfunctional families want to maintain the status quo. This is what we always done, this is what we will always do is the family motto.

How to Begin to Differentiate from Your Family

1)Uncover your family’s rules and paradigm.

2)Ask if you believe the rules you have been following blindly since childhood. Children follow their parents unquestioningly, adults do not. It is appropriate when you are the child to look to your parents to affirm your identity. As an adult, this is unhealthy.

3)Stop needing your family for things they can’t provide. The mother you never had. The father you always wanted. It isn’t going to happen. Stop waiting on this. The sister you always wanted to love you a certain way–who doesn’t, can’t, won’t.  This is a time to begin the acceptance process.

4)Reflect on what YOU believe. YOU. Stop handing your emotional power over to your family. Be who you want to be not the role your family expects you to be.

5)Understand guilt, shame, and transference of anxiety is NOT caring. It is the norm in dysfunctional, undifferentiated families. Stop holding onto these feelings-it only revictimizes you.

6)Resist the urge to rescue others.

7)Do for yourself what your family could never do for you.

8)Be mindful. This is not about blaming your family. This is about acceptance. This is you being you while being connected to your family. This is not about disconnection. This is about healthy connection.

Accept while you may have changed that we can’t change others unless they want to change. This is a time of opportunity for you. Instead of perpetuating the cycle of dysfunction, you can change the future—when it comes to breaking the cycle with your children and the next generation.

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The Psychology of Shame: How It Destroys

by Erin Theodorou, posted in counseling, psychology, self-help

When was the last time you felt shame? Maybe you were embarrassed in front of your boss, or you felt guilty because you didn’t get done what you promised. Perhaps you can think back to being a child and being told, “Shame on you!” Or another classic version, “You SHOULD be ashamed of yourself!” Whatever it was, you’ll remember it wasn’t a good feeling.

Shame can be a way to teach lessons that we think someone needs to learn. Naturally during childhood, it is commonplace for the adults in our lives, such as our parents and teachers, to teach us lessons about right and wrong. Times were different a generation or two ago. Children were to be seen not heard. These adults likely meant well, but may have used shame to try to teach good values, not realizing they were instilling the genesis of inadequacy. We now know, from years of research, that shame is not an effective way to implement a change in children’s behavior.  You are bad, you are stupid, why can’t you be like your brother. These types of messages hurt and are ineffectual.

If we can see that shame is not effective in modifying children’s behavior, we must be mindful that the same holds true for adults. You see in life many things bother us- people most of all. Our natural response to this is to blame the other person and try to fix it. And by “fix it” this usually means change THEM (not try to change ourselves because YEAH, RIGHT).  We  attempt to alter the person into something we consider “right” or at least something that will not bother us. Thus you can see how we all, consciously or unconsciously, try to influence how others in our world behave.

Having “influence” is commonplace in politics and the professional world. Perhaps you have even read Dale Carnegie’s “How to Win Friends and Influence People.” Trying to exert influence is a very real factor not just in our professional relationships but our social relationships.  We all remember as teens having the one friend our parents referred to as a “bad influence.” Nowadays, as the case may be, you recognize yourself trying to “influence” your husband to eat better. Or maybe when you try to “influence” your kids to get their homework done. Or being the friend who tries to “influence” your other friends to go to the gym (and skip happy hour). Maybe you’re the son who tries to “influence” your mother to get an in home aide to look after her. In both direct and indirect ways, we all are trying to be influential in our own right.

The reality is we all want some level of control over our lives and to be influential in the lives on those we surround ourselves with. Whether we try to use our influence for good or bad is up to us.  There are many ways we try to exert influence. Shame can be a tactic people use to influence the behavior of others. It is also the base of most destructive behavior.

The experience of shame is universal. It is a powerful state of being. We all have experienced “shaming” behavior in our day-to-day lives.  The boss who says they are disappointed in our proposal. The friend who said they would never wear that. The waitress who says they can’t believe you can eat all that (this one actually happened to me–I CAN eat all that and I did!) The thing about shame is it is not really an effective way to influence behavior. Shame can only work if the person truly cares what we think of them.  Thus shame may work with our spouse but it will not work with our coworker who can NOT care less what we think of him.

We all to a lesser degree have been on the receiving end of shaming behavior.  Many times it is innocuous in the way it is meant or delivered.  The waitress, the friend, or your boss may have meant nothing malicious by it. Yet shaming is also a technique used by abusive people to distract from their own bad behavior.  Perhaps you experienced toxic shame before– someone belittling your achievements, ideas, efforts.  Trying to make you feel less than just as you are. As a clinician, I see shame as being a common abuse tactic experienced by clients, many who have survived abusive relationships. All types of relationships can be abusive not just romantic relationships. In hearing the stories of those who have struggled with this form of abuse, it has shown me how abusers often rely on shame, as a tactic to keep victims down. Shame can be an attempt to silence people who are not strong enough to stand in the strength of their voice.

Brene Brown, who has done extensive research on shame, has called it a silent epidemic.

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The truth is shame has the potential to be one of the most painful emotions we can experience. Shame is not that something you did was bad. Shame is you ARE something bad. Inferior. Inherently flawed. Less than.

When someone tries to make you feel like you should be ashamed of yourself, they are expressing contempt.  Shame is a way to diminish another.  It is a way of showing the shamee that to destroy you is a non-issue.  Thus when someone is trying to tell you shame on you what they are REALLY saying is shame on me. Because when someone tries to shame you, they are trying to transfer their hurt and pain onto you. Shamers are projecting their OWN shame, their own painful emotions. Attacking another is a way to disown the uncomfortable feelings they are experiencing. Abusers do this often to people they perceive as weaker. Unless you have a developed, strong sense of self it will be a struggle to not OWN the STUFF being thrown at you, when someone is offsetting their pain.

(Keep in mind,  we often shame ourselves–different post with more on that to follow).

There are many ways we try to shame OTHERS–teasing, eye rolling, name calling, sarcasm, yelling, expressing disapproval. Some people even resort to public shaming-to humiliate their victim to others—online posts, group texts, Instagram pictures—the Scarlet Letter-ing of our time. This type of behavior is extremely common during the adolescent years but still prevails amongst adults who have not developed passed an adolescent on an emotional level. Such behavior gives the shamer a feeling of superiority and communicates to the shamee a sense of unworthiness.

Anyone who is trying to shame you is not open to communicating with you in any real or meaningful way. The shame game is a way to manipulate and punish.

The only way to win in these situations is to not play.

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As a therapist, I have witnessed the powerful way that shame can fuel rage in children and adults alike. Whether this anger is directed outward at others or inward at oneself, this anger can act as a distraction from experiencing shame and the feelings that come along with it. Often when triggered by shame, we feel other self-conscious emotions such as discomfort, inadequacy, guilt, embarrassment.

Many of us can shake off the feeling and keep it moving. But others find it incredibly difficult, and it affects how they turn out.

Shame may work in the short-term but it comes with more detriments than benefits. It will hurt the relationship between the shamer and the shamee in the process. Being shamed causes us to lose respect for whoever OR whatever it is shaming us. Shame is at the root cause of many relationship problems. 

People who try to shame you are trying to get what they want at your expense.  Shame is a way to try to control others, by trying to trigger their need for connection, with the threat of disconnection. Such behavior is designed to get you to act according to someone else’s rules. Shame is a way of shutting the other person down.

The sad thing is there will always be people who try to shame you.

No matter what you do right or wrong, you don’t deserve to be humiliated or made to feel ashamed. If someone wants to make you feel this way,  recognize you are not dealing with a healthy person.

It is natural for decent people to find certain behavior unimaginable. You can’t imagine anyone can act in such a manner or say such a thing. Shame can be good in this sense–it is the “I couldn’t live with myself if I acted like that, did that, thought that” feeling.  Healthy shame is necessary.

Underneath shame there is a desire to be heard, validated, understood, and loved. On a continuum shame is at one end and feeling supported at the other.

Shame is not a productive emotion. If we are empathetic people we usually do not want our words to cause harm. Words are powerful. They can build up our relationships with others. Or tear them down. I have a sign in my office that says:

“Think before you speak: Is it….true? Is it….helpful? Is it….necessary? Is it….kind?”

Here’s to the practice of being mindful of our words BEFORE speaking them.

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