Tag: psychology

Can You Tolerate Uncertainty? The Answer May Reveal Why You Struggle with Anxiety

by Erin Theodorou, posted in counseling, psychology, self-help

anxiety 2

We live in an age of uncertainty.

Not knowing can be the worse.

 All of us experience anxiety from time to time. 

It is a part of the human condition to feel the discomfort that is anxiety. Many of our “firsts” trigger such feelings of anxiety-our first day of school, our first time away from home, our first date, our first kiss, our first job.

Anxiety can also be brought on by life events: going away to college, getting married, your first job, having a baby, buying a house, getting divorced, selling your house, retirement. Any major life change, positive or negative, can produce worries and feelings of apprehension. In life changing moments or when you are in unfamiliar waters, these feelings are to be expected.

As human beings, we have a tendency to hate change.

Dealing with an uncertainty is an inevitable part of life. None of us can predict the future. For some of us this is just an inalienable truth to life–none of us know what the future will bring. But for others, their INability to tolerate uncertainty causes distress and suffering.

Anxiety is the root cause of controlling behavior. Many people struggle to control themselves, the people in their lives, and their environment. For them, this is a way to try to ensure certainty in an increasingly uncertain world.

Some of us can tolerate a large amount of uncertainty in our lives but for others even a small amount can feel unbearable.

The sad thing for people who suffer with anxiety is they miss out on many of the unpredictable, unplanned for moments of life that come with going with the flow. Of spontaneity. Of just waiting to see how the day unfolds.

For people who cannot stand uncertainty–their increasing levels of anxiety makes their world smaller and smaller. If anxiety isn’t effectively managed it can take over your life.

Anxiety suffers tend to use safety behaviors designed to eliminate uncertainty.

As many as 1 of 4 adults suffer–meaning there are people in your life who struggle with this disorder and you may have no idea.

Anxiety is the most common mood disorder in the United States (NIMH).

anxiety 3

If you are wondering if you or someone you know may be struggling with anxiety below are some behaviors and red flags of people with high anxiety:

~You have trouble having fun

~Seeking reassurance from others

~Withdrawing from others

~Sleep disturbances

~Refusing to delegate tasks to others

~Difficulty focusing

~Mood swings

~Procrastinating

~Needing to be in your comfort zone (usually your house or some other environment you feel in control of)

~Planning things down to the minute (can’t let others make the plans)

~Unwilling to travel to new places (or at all)

~Relationship issues (constantly checking in, codependency, not going anywhere without your partner)

~Overthinking

~Struggling with anger

~Second guessing (yourself and others)

~Underemployment or unemployment

~Difficulty with change

~Preparing for every possibility (or trying to)

~Having a dislike for anything new (new equates to uncertain)

~Avoidance of said new places, new people, new experiences

~Avoiding any situation (or person) you feel you cannot control

 

anxiety 1

If you recognize yourself in these behaviors, there are steps you can take to mitigate your anxiety.

1)Stay in the present moment. Anxiety comes from projecting our attention into the future. Anxiety is negative thoughts about the future–negative what-ifs and worst case scenarios. Practice bringing your attention back to the present when you feel your anxiety levels rising.

anxiety 6

2)Expose yourself to the things that make you anxious. Avoidance behavior is an effective way to relieve anxiety in the short-term, but increase your anxiety in the long-term. Anxiety will continue to make your world smaller and smaller unless you push yourself outside of your comfort zone. Take baby steps out of your comfort zone.

3)Reflect on your personality. Certain personalities are more prone to anxiety–some people have a more active brain than others–reflecting, worrying, analyzing things to death. You may worry too much about what others think or about making a mistake. If you fall into this category, you are more likely to struggle with anxiety.

4)Stop focusing on yourself. Anxiety is a very much a focus on your feelings, your thoughts, your reactions. A large part of anxiety is centered on how things affect YOU. Try to step outside of yourself and focus on helping out someone else. As someone who works in a helping profession, I find helping others is one of the most effective ways to lessen my OWN worries and anxious thoughts. It is hard to sit in worry and anxiety when you are busy with connecting and helping others.

5)Seek counseling. A good therapist has numerous technique and coping skills they can provide you with. They can also help you work through the root causes of your worries. Counseling is a good place to start your recovery from anxiety.

And lastly, what is the likelihood something bad will happen? I often have my clients discuss with me things they worried about that never came to fruition. It helps them to recognize that most of the things we worry about, never happen.

anxiety 4

How We Manage Our Shame

by Erin Theodorou, posted in counseling, psychology, self-help

shame3

In a previous post, I discussed shame and how OTHERS may try to shame us, the reasons why, and how shame has its roots in one’s upbringing.

Equally important is how we are able to manage our own feelings of shame towards ourself as it is pivotal to our well-being. Shame can undermine our relationships and often runs our lives without us even knowing. Shame is a silent killer if you are not able to recognize its powerful presence in your life.

Everyone experiences shame. For healthy people, the shame they feel passes.

For others, shame is an emotion they try to cover up with other emotions-anger, aggression, passive aggression, rage, envy, jealousy, anxiety.

Shame is something we may to try to project on other people–terrified of being judged we may attempt to point out the faults in others to keep the spotlight off our own imperfections.

Perhaps we become self-deprecating. We may shame ourselves as a way to acknowledge our faults and failures before anyone else can point them out.

narc 1

Shame can also be such a fundamental part of our experience that it shapes our sense of self and identity.

Many people who struggle with shame develop into one of the two distinct personality types: the narcissist or the codependent.  (A codependent cannot be a narcissist, but a narcissist CAN also be codependent). These personalities are based on an undefined self. In both, shame and control are intricately tied together. Narcissists and codependents rely on OTHER people for their sense of self.  Each of these personalities place a lot of importance on what other people think of them.

abc

The only way to over come these shame based personalities is to give up your attachment to control, you will find your shame disappearing.

For narcissists, they hide their internalized shame with an outward expression of arrogance, contempt, rage, and criticism towards others. Narcissists lack empathy.  These are people who very much live in fear of being found out. Narcissism is the mask they use to cover up their deep-rooted feelings of self-loathing and toxic shame.

narc2

Narcissists are famous for unloading their shame onto others with insults and put downs. By making others feel bad about themselves, a narcissist can ease their own pain. Shame is the cause of their aggressive, mean-spirited behavior.

This shame based personality type truly feels they are right and you are wrong and that you are an idiot in comparison to them (obviously you feel GREAT being in their company).

A narcissist will battle to the death if they feel their sense of self (their false sense of self) is challenged. Narcissists can dish it out but hell hath no fury like a narcissist scorned!

narc e

Another shame based personality type is the codependent. Codependents try to control their internal feelings by controlling other people, events, and circumstances.

codepndent 2

For codependents,  their shame is also internalized, but expressed outwardly in a different form than the narcissist’s.  Similarly, a codependent’s sense of shame leads to other painful feelings and destructive behavior. With codependents, their shame plays out in care taking, passive aggression, people pleasing, control, resentment, and non-assertive communication. Codependents can’t speak their minds and similarly to narcissists, have a tendency to blame others. Often they are martyrs who are proud of their giving, self-sacrificing, long-suffering, and a selfless devotion to you (something they will hold over your head when it suits them).

Codependents try to be puppet masters pulling strings behind closed curtains. They are super focused on others. Their desire to feel needed is intertwined with the desire to feel important.

Codependents vacillate between feelings superiority and inferiority. Shame can come out as jealousy, envy, or judgement of others. By diminishing others, a codependent gets a superficial boost to themselves and get to hide their feelings of shame from their self.

If you are ruled by shame you may find yourself isolated–from family and friends. You may be cut off from your own authentic feelings which for you are too scared to feel.

Both narcissists and codependents hate to feel their feelings and the subsequent vulnerability that expressing our true self entails.

Vulnerability is very threatening to narcissists and codependents alike.

abc2

Codependents and narcissists as you can see are BOTH sides of the same coin.

Outside of the more extreme personality types of narcissism and codependency, shame can present in others way in our lives. Shame can affect how we function in relationships.

If you struggle with shame and control, you may find you either under-function OR over-function in your relationships.

While most people understand that balance is key to a fulfilling relationship,romantic or otherwise, it seems that many of us can’t escape the trap of either under-functioning or over-functioning.

Signs you overfunction in your relationships:

~You worry a lot

~You struggle with controlling behaviors

~You do for others what they can do for themselves

~You love to give advice (feeling a sense of responsibility for others and how things turn out)

~You are concerned with managing your image

~You moralize (moralizing is the tendency to harshly judge certain behaviors)

~You triangulate (triangulating is a manipulation tactic where one person will not communicate directly with another person, instead using a third person to relay communication to the second, thus forming a triangle)

~You overparent—both your kids AND other adults (taking care of others is a way to keep you from having to pay mind to your own issues)

~You take on the role of care-giving

~You try to change others

~If someone does not stay in sync with you/agree with you (how you think, how you feel)–you can’t be friends or in a relationship with them

Signs you underfunction in your relationships:

~You set goals and don’t follow through

~You let your partner make the decisions

~You ask numerous people for advice rather than make decisions on your own

~You let others do for you things you can do for yourself

~You struggle with addictions-food, alcohol, drugs, etc.

~You frequently are physically or emotionally ill

~You become less competent under stress

~You are underemployed

~You self-sabotage

~You zone out to tv or video games

~You seem lazy or unmotivated to others

Whenever someone is underfunctioning, someone else is overfunctioning.

function

Narcissism, codependency, overfunctioning, and underfunctioning all have their roots in shame based feelings. These are ways our feelings of internalized shame manifest in our lives.

Shame and control go hand in hand. When you give up your attachment to control, and instead choose compassion toward yourself and others, you will find your shame dissipate.

If you explore it carefully, if you navigate shame with compassion, you find the comfort that comes from no longer hiding from yourself—or keeping yourself hidden from others and the world.

abc3

Dysfunctional Families: Who They Are and How to Overcome Yours

by Erin Theodorou, posted in counseling, psychology, self-help

dysfunction 2

Ever wonder if you were raised in a dysfunctional family? There is no real guide to determining if a family is categorically dysfunctional, but here are some questions to ask yourself:

~If people tell you that you are like your mom or dad do you get upset and hope it is not true?

~Do you have a history of struggling with depression?

~Do people in your family always “react” to the choices of other family members? Dramatic reactions in fact?

~Have you said something hurtful (or many hurtful) things to someone in your family and wish you could take it back?

~Is your family quick to blame?

~Do you feel guilty standing up for yourself?

~Have people in your family said things to you that were just plain cruel?

~Do you feel angry often?

~Do you constantly people please?

~Are you a perfectionist?

~Do you struggle with your self-esteem?

~Do you self-medicate? Alcohol, drugs, food, sex?

~Is your family judgmental and critical of others?

~Do you relate to others with dysfunctional families? Alcoholic parents? Divorced parents?

~Is your family competitive with each other?

~Do you believe you will be (or are) a better parent than your parents?

~Is there on-going conflict in your family? With different members? Across the different generations?

~Do you struggle with anxiety?

~Is it hard to communicate in your family?

~Does it feel like there is a hierarchy within your family? Where some members are more important than other members?

~Do family members gossip about other members? Lots of third-party conversations?

~Growing up was your home life unpredictable? Did you move a lot? Switch schools frequently?

~Do you feel afraid to disagree with your family outright because risk of rejection?

~As a kid, did your parent feel more like a friend than a parent?

~Does your family hate change? Are new members welcomed in? Are adult children encouraged to be independent?

~As a kid, were your parents overly strict? Overly permissive?

~Is there a lack of diversity in your family? Are differences of opinion tolerated?

~Do you fear being abandoned?

~Did one (or both) of your parents leave you as a child? Physically or emotionally

~Is it hard for you to trust others?

These are just some possible signs of dysfunction in the family system. You may relate to some, none, or many of the aforementioned questions. Dysfunction exists on a continuum. If you relate, don’t feel too bad–most families have some level of dysfunction inherent in them– which is usually passed down from generation to generation.

Nobody comes from a perfect family.

Yet in dysfunctional families, every member has a role. The rescuer, the victim, the persecutor. For every rescuer there is a victim. For every victim there is a persecutor. So starts the triangulation of these “roles.” Dysfunctional families frequently engage in triangles.

Triangulation is when instead of members talking directly with each other about problems, they bring an outside person in to intervene in a conflicted or stressful relationship, in an attempt to ease tension and facilitate communication.

Let’s say brother A tells brother B he would like brother C to help out more with their sick father who needs a lot of day-to-day assistance at home. Dad is getting older, with more severe health issues, and can use all the support he can get from ALL his sons. When brother B goes back to brother C and gives the message, then brother C will wonder why brother A didn’t just come and ask for himself.

There is always a manipulation tactic within triangulation. Brother A might not like to ask brother C or he might know brother C will say no so he hopes brother B can be more convincing than he was when he asked the last week. Or maybe brother A realizes the only way to get brother C to do what he wants is to put familial pressure on him. When both brother A and brother B ask brother C, then brother C might feel even more pressure to comply.

Dysfunctional families triangulate to coerce other members to do things they rather not do. They also use it as a way to manage conflict. People who triangulate will call this “venting” but the healthy way to deal with conflict is to talk about it directly with the person you are having conflict with. The problem with triangles it is usually prevents, rather than invite, the resolution of conflict.

Venting and complaining about family disintegrates all three relationships within the triangle. Trust fades for someone who talks about others behind their backs. Respect also lessens for someone who listens complacently to endless fault-finding.

dyfncutin 5

Triangulation is also extremely unhealthy when children are involved. The wife who confides in her young son about the troubles in her marriage. The father who shares his worries about finances with his tween daughter instead of speaking directly to his wife.  In dysfunctional families we often see parentified children-where the child is expected to act as the parent and the parent acts like the child. The oldest child may help his siblings off to school, makes lunches, helps with homework because the parent, for whatever reason, is unavailable–whether physically or emotionally. Often a parentified child acts like parents to his OWN parents. The parentified child usually takes on the role in an attempt to keep chaos at bay and keep the family unit functioning and together. Later when the parentified child grows up they usually pick a spouse who is dependent–so they can continue to play this role of parent to their spouse.  This is a clear example of boundary problems and unhealthy roles within the family system.

Another common problem in dysfunctional families is the lack of self-differentiation. Murray Bowen, who is the father of this concept, made it one of the cornerstones of family systems therapy.  Self-differentiation has two tenets: that you are able to separate your feelings from your thoughts AND you are able to distinguish between your experience and the experience of those you are connected to.

Being self-differentiated is being able think for yourself and act according to your own values. When you are self-differentiated you able to disagree with the choices of a family member without trying to get them to change.  The less differentiated you are the more impacted by others’ thoughts and opinions you will be. A highly differentiated person can maintain a solid sense of self even under considerable stress and anxiety (Bowen). People who are self-differentiated are not reactive and are able to make decisions independent of the input of others. At a lesser level of differentiation, a person is dependent on the input of others to make decisions and function. A person with a low-level of self-differentiation will exhibit many symptoms of stress and often act destructively under pressure. Even intelligent people can be poorly differentiated (Bowen).

When you are self-differentiated, you still care about your family and want to be connected to them. Yet you are able to limit the chaos and are not be enmeshed with your family. Enmeshment is when you are defined by the family system and look to it for your happiness rather than to the outside, larger world. When you are enmeshed, your sense of identity is wrapped up in your family. You are not able to recognize where you end and they begin. This psychological boundary does not exist in dysfunctional families.

In unhealthy family systems, it is hard to differentiate because differences are not tolerated. If you are conservative and your family is liberal you are mocked. If your family is athletic and you rather read than play a sport, you are teased.  If Christmas is always at sister Susie’s and you want to have it at your house, you are met with resistance. Change is not welcome in dysfunctional families-of the individual or the system as a whole. In this type of family differences are not celebrated. Lots of shame permeates the family system.

dsyfunctiona 1

In dysfunctional families, members are made to feel guilty if they don’t visit enough, call enough, come home enough.  In such families, alliances are often being formed. These alliances are ever shifting. Alliances form because members are expected to choose “sides” on every issue. In healthy families, members don’t gang up on others, pick sides, or insert themselves into conflict between other members. These are all symptoms of an unhealthy family system at play. Remaining neutral in the face of conflict is a sign of maturity and self-differentiation.

For example in enmeshed families, there tends to be a lot of drama because everyone feels entitled to opine and react on the decisions of other members. For example, son A decides he is going to move across the country for a job. In an enmeshed family, the parents may take this as a betrayal and personal affront. They may feel he is abandoning the family. Mom and Dad share their hurt and disappointment with son B instead of sharing how they feel DIRECTLY with son A.

Therefore, son B may pick a fight with son A to express his disapproval and as a way to align with the parents. Son B and the parents are forming a coalition to try to impede son A’s decision to move away. When Son A responds in a level-headed, non-reactive way to his parents and brother, calmly stating why he is choosing to move, he is met with anger and rage. His parents and brother take his calmness and composed demeanor as a sign he does not care or love them.

In unhealthy families, chronic anxiety exists. When you self-differentiate and are non-enmeshed you are much more relaxed and calm. This is viewed as a threat to other family members who are still in a state of enmeshment. In toxic, immature families becoming more mature, less reactive, and less anxious is viewed as you don’t care, you don’t love me, you are cold.

dysfunction 2

The blurring of self is normal in a dysfunctional family. If you come from a family riddled with dysfunction, the idea of personal boundaries may seem foreign to you. You are used to living in a bondary-LESS environment.  A person’s willingness to accept your boundaries and limits show where their level of respect is for you AND how emotionally developed they are. In a dysfunctional family it is hard to negotiate with other members the amount of separateness and closeness you feel comfortable with because compromise is not something rigid family systems can do.

Dysfunctional families can be cult like. Oftentimes family members are not even aware of the dysfunction or in denial about it. Things are never discussed. Third party conversations run rampant. Direct communication does not exist. Expectations are never questioned. It is just the way it is.

All dysfunctional families want to maintain the status quo. This is what we always done, this is what we will always do is the family motto.

How to Begin to Differentiate from Your Family

1)Uncover your family’s rules and paradigm.

2)Ask if you believe the rules you have been following blindly since childhood. Children follow their parents unquestioningly, adults do not. It is appropriate when you are the child to look to your parents to affirm your identity. As an adult, this is unhealthy.

3)Stop needing your family for things they can’t provide. The mother you never had. The father you always wanted. It isn’t going to happen. Stop waiting on this. The sister you always wanted to love you a certain way–who doesn’t, can’t, won’t.  This is a time to begin the acceptance process.

4)Reflect on what YOU believe. YOU. Stop handing your emotional power over to your family. Be who you want to be not the role your family expects you to be.

5)Understand guilt, shame, and transference of anxiety is NOT caring. It is the norm in dysfunctional, undifferentiated families. Stop holding onto these feelings-it only revictimizes you.

6)Resist the urge to rescue others.

7)Do for yourself what your family could never do for you.

8)Be mindful. This is not about blaming your family. This is about acceptance. This is you being you while being connected to your family. This is not about disconnection. This is about healthy connection.

Accept while you may have changed that we can’t change others unless they want to change. This is a time of opportunity for you. Instead of perpetuating the cycle of dysfunction, you can change the future—when it comes to breaking the cycle with your children and the next generation.

healthy-families

The Psychology of Shame: How It Destroys

by Erin Theodorou, posted in counseling, psychology, self-help

When was the last time you felt shame? Maybe you were embarrassed in front of your boss, or you felt guilty because you didn’t get done what you promised. Perhaps you can think back to being a child and being told, “Shame on you!” Or another classic version, “You SHOULD be ashamed of yourself!” Whatever it was, you’ll remember it wasn’t a good feeling.

Shame can be a way to teach lessons that we think someone needs to learn. Naturally during childhood, it is commonplace for the adults in our lives, such as our parents and teachers, to teach us lessons about right and wrong. Times were different a generation or two ago. Children were to be seen not heard. These adults likely meant well, but may have used shame to try to teach good values, not realizing they were instilling the genesis of inadequacy. We now know, from years of research, that shame is not an effective way to implement a change in children’s behavior.  You are bad, you are stupid, why can’t you be like your brother. These types of messages hurt and are ineffectual.

If we can see that shame is not effective in modifying children’s behavior, we must be mindful that the same holds true for adults. You see in life many things bother us- people most of all. Our natural response to this is to blame the other person and try to fix it. And by “fix it” this usually means change THEM (not try to change ourselves because YEAH, RIGHT).  We  attempt to alter the person into something we consider “right” or at least something that will not bother us. Thus you can see how we all, consciously or unconsciously, try to influence how others in our world behave.

Having “influence” is commonplace in politics and the professional world. Perhaps you have even read Dale Carnegie’s “How to Win Friends and Influence People.” Trying to exert influence is a very real factor not just in our professional relationships but our social relationships.  We all remember as teens having the one friend our parents referred to as a “bad influence.” Nowadays, as the case may be, you recognize yourself trying to “influence” your husband to eat better. Or maybe when you try to “influence” your kids to get their homework done. Or being the friend who tries to “influence” your other friends to go to the gym (and skip happy hour). Maybe you’re the son who tries to “influence” your mother to get an in home aide to look after her. In both direct and indirect ways, we all are trying to be influential in our own right.

The reality is we all want some level of control over our lives and to be influential in the lives on those we surround ourselves with. Whether we try to use our influence for good or bad is up to us.  There are many ways we try to exert influence. Shame can be a tactic people use to influence the behavior of others. It is also the base of most destructive behavior.

The experience of shame is universal. It is a powerful state of being. We all have experienced “shaming” behavior in our day-to-day lives.  The boss who says they are disappointed in our proposal. The friend who said they would never wear that. The waitress who says they can’t believe you can eat all that (this one actually happened to me–I CAN eat all that and I did!) The thing about shame is it is not really an effective way to influence behavior. Shame can only work if the person truly cares what we think of them.  Thus shame may work with our spouse but it will not work with our coworker who can NOT care less what we think of him.

We all to a lesser degree have been on the receiving end of shaming behavior.  Many times it is innocuous in the way it is meant or delivered.  The waitress, the friend, or your boss may have meant nothing malicious by it. Yet shaming is also a technique used by abusive people to distract from their own bad behavior.  Perhaps you experienced toxic shame before– someone belittling your achievements, ideas, efforts.  Trying to make you feel less than just as you are. As a clinician, I see shame as being a common abuse tactic experienced by clients, many who have survived abusive relationships. All types of relationships can be abusive not just romantic relationships. In hearing the stories of those who have struggled with this form of abuse, it has shown me how abusers often rely on shame, as a tactic to keep victims down. Shame can be an attempt to silence people who are not strong enough to stand in the strength of their voice.

Brene Brown, who has done extensive research on shame, has called it a silent epidemic.

shame 2

The truth is shame has the potential to be one of the most painful emotions we can experience. Shame is not that something you did was bad. Shame is you ARE something bad. Inferior. Inherently flawed. Less than.

When someone tries to make you feel like you should be ashamed of yourself, they are expressing contempt.  Shame is a way to diminish another.  It is a way of showing the shamee that to destroy you is a non-issue.  Thus when someone is trying to tell you shame on you what they are REALLY saying is shame on me. Because when someone tries to shame you, they are trying to transfer their hurt and pain onto you. Shamers are projecting their OWN shame, their own painful emotions. Attacking another is a way to disown the uncomfortable feelings they are experiencing. Abusers do this often to people they perceive as weaker. Unless you have a developed, strong sense of self it will be a struggle to not OWN the STUFF being thrown at you, when someone is offsetting their pain.

(Keep in mind,  we often shame ourselves–different post with more on that to follow).

There are many ways we try to shame OTHERS–teasing, eye rolling, name calling, sarcasm, yelling, expressing disapproval. Some people even resort to public shaming-to humiliate their victim to others—online posts, group texts, Instagram pictures—the Scarlet Letter-ing of our time. This type of behavior is extremely common during the adolescent years but still prevails amongst adults who have not developed passed an adolescent on an emotional level. Such behavior gives the shamer a feeling of superiority and communicates to the shamee a sense of unworthiness.

Anyone who is trying to shame you is not open to communicating with you in any real or meaningful way. The shame game is a way to manipulate and punish.

The only way to win in these situations is to not play.

shame 5

As a therapist, I have witnessed the powerful way that shame can fuel rage in children and adults alike. Whether this anger is directed outward at others or inward at oneself, this anger can act as a distraction from experiencing shame and the feelings that come along with it. Often when triggered by shame, we feel other self-conscious emotions such as discomfort, inadequacy, guilt, embarrassment.

Many of us can shake off the feeling and keep it moving. But others find it incredibly difficult, and it affects how they turn out.

Shame may work in the short-term but it comes with more detriments than benefits. It will hurt the relationship between the shamer and the shamee in the process. Being shamed causes us to lose respect for whoever OR whatever it is shaming us. Shame is at the root cause of many relationship problems. 

People who try to shame you are trying to get what they want at your expense.  Shame is a way to try to control others, by trying to trigger their need for connection, with the threat of disconnection. Such behavior is designed to get you to act according to someone else’s rules. Shame is a way of shutting the other person down.

The sad thing is there will always be people who try to shame you.

No matter what you do right or wrong, you don’t deserve to be humiliated or made to feel ashamed. If someone wants to make you feel this way,  recognize you are not dealing with a healthy person.

It is natural for decent people to find certain behavior unimaginable. You can’t imagine anyone can act in such a manner or say such a thing. Shame can be good in this sense–it is the “I couldn’t live with myself if I acted like that, did that, thought that” feeling.  Healthy shame is necessary.

Underneath shame there is a desire to be heard, validated, understood, and loved. On a continuum shame is at one end and feeling supported at the other.

Shame is not a productive emotion. If we are empathetic people we usually do not want our words to cause harm. Words are powerful. They can build up our relationships with others. Or tear them down. I have a sign in my office that says:

“Think before you speak: Is it….true? Is it….helpful? Is it….necessary? Is it….kind?”

Here’s to the practice of being mindful of our words BEFORE speaking them.

shame4

Expectations: The Root of All Unhappiness

by Erin Theodorou, posted in counseling, psychology, self-help

expectations 3

All of us of us have expectations.

We hold expectations of ourselves, others, circumstances, and what we want out of life in general. Managing our expectations is key to our happiness. We need to have realistic expectations, of ourselves and others, if not to be met with never-ending hurt and disappointment.

At a basic, simple level we are unhappy when our expectations of reality exceed our experience of reality (Nat Ware). 

The further away reality is from our expectations the more miserable you can expect to be.

expectations

I feel there are some common expectations held by unhappy people: that others MUST treat them well, that they should NOT have to deal with difficulty or hardship, and that they MUST do well.

This type of thinking is toxic and a recipe for misery.

Yet what about the specific expectations we hold for ourselves?

When you were a little boy or girl, did you want to grow up to be a baseball player, a super star, or a singer? At some point you probably gave up that dream for something more attainable (unless you are Derek Jeter, Leonardo DiCaprio, or Adele). When our dreams are out of reach, we feel stress, frustration, and anxiety. Many of us abandon our dreams, feeling they are impossible.

Carl Rogers, one of my favorite psychologists, referred to this gap as it relates to our self as incongruence.

Incongruence is when our desires and feelings are not aligned with our actions.

Maybe you always wanted to be a doctor but felt you can never do it and are now a med tech. You can’t bring yourself to go back to school to further your career, even though you always felt you can be more. You WANT to do more. But can’t motivate yourself to do it.

Maybe you want close relationships in your life, yet find you keep people at arm’s length. You can’t bring yourself to apologize to people you may have hurt or put yourself out there to build new relationships with people. Still–you WANT to have intimate relationships but aren’t willing to put yourself out there with people to obtain them.

Maybe you want to be healthy and in shape yet find yourself overeating and not exercising. You can’t bring yourself to change your diet or will yourself to even exercise for 15 minutes a day. You WANT to be healthy but can’t seem to muster the willpower.

Maybe you want to be financial secure yet find you are not saving enough for the future and are unwilling to live within your means. You repeatedly spend more than you should and procrastinate making a budget. You WANT to get your finances in order but can’t get your spending habits in line.

And the list goes on and on. You are in a state of incongruence when there is a gap between your ideal life and your REAL life.

Incongruence is going to cause psychological pain.

We all want our ideal self and actual experience to be consistent and overlap as much as possible. If you recognize yourself in one of the examples above, you are probably unhappy with the current state of your life.

congruence

Many psychological problems may arise when we are in a state of incongruence.

Expectations are the enemy of happiness.

We can see how our expectations of ourselves can lead to unhappiness, but what about our expectations of others?

Often our expectations of others leads to disappointment and hurt.

We all heard that the secret to happiness is LOWER expectations. Some even would probably say NO expectations is the real key to happiness in your relationships.

This is not to say you shouldn’t have standards. Standards are different from expectations. The two are not interchangeable.

A standard is a principle of how you will conduct yourself and behavior you will accept from others. It is a norm. For instance, a common standard people have is they would not scream or curse in public NOR would they find it acceptable to witness someone else engaging in such a manner. This isn’t an expectation-it is a standard of what is acceptable. Our standards are our values.

An expectation is how we would like people to behave or a situation to turn out. For example, an expectation would be if you expect your boyfriend to text you every day, regardless of how busy he is. Sure, it would be nice, but it is not a standard. It is an expectation of how you are expecting someone to ideally behave. They are more like unspoken rules. Expectations are in large part our ideals.

The reality is no one cares about our expectations except us. 

The simplest example of this truism is the golden rule. We think if we treat others well we will be treated in kind. I think we all have experienced otherwise.

The problem with expectations is they are often unspoken. You just expect people in your life to meet your expectations. But people have their own expectations that they live by which may be in conflict with yours.

Often we he hold expectations of others that we ourselves don’t even fulfill. We all have encountered someone with high expectations of others and little to no expectations of themselves.  These are the do as I say, not as I do types. Perhaps from time to time this has been you. Human nature can be hypocritical.

Nevertheless, there are going to be a few people in life whose expectations we are driven to fulfill. We try to anticipate expectations for important relationships in our lives. Most of us try to be cognizant of the expectations of our spouse, partner, boss, clients, kids.

But even in the these important relationships expectations are unmet and expectations can gradually slid into a sense of entitlement.

The problem with expectations is it can sour relationships if not managed.

As a society, we are living in a time where many who walk amongst us are profoundly unhappy.

And many of these people are unhappy by their own making: their expectations.

If you want to be happy, you are going to need to keep your expectations in check. Both of yourself and others.

Start to be mindful of the vicious expectation conflict cycle. Be mindful of how you interpret situations and other people. This is where lots of problems start since they are entirely subjective. If you identify a problem, you need to carefully consider your response. Pay mind to what you expectations are of the person AND the situation to determine if they are realistic.

If you hold an expectation of someone and they do not meet it you have a few options. You can end the relationship. You can address it. You can act passive aggressive. Or you can decide it isn’t a big deal and let it go.

All our interactions with people have the opportunity to weaken, strengthen, or remain neutral in our relationship with them.  This is why it is so important to examine your underlying expectations. You need to ask yourself  if you are being reasonable. It is reasonable to expect to be treated with civility and basic human respect. It is unreasonable to expect people to do as you expect them to do according to your rulebook. We need to be able to catch ourselves when we begin to drift into unrealistic expectations.

If it is an issue with respect or some other type of basic standard, that really isn’t a relationship you should be too concerned about, if a lack of basic respect exists. If it is a more superficial issue, remember people rarely behave exactly the way we want them to.

Remember the magnitude of unhappiness you experience will be proportionate to your thoughts and how you choose to interpret things.

As a therapist, I find many people come to counseling because their expectations of others are not being met. This is causing pain and problems for them. I work with them using CBT (cognitive behavior therapy) which focuses on changing THEIR thoughts and behaviors including their expectations. I gently remind them we can’t change others, we can ONLY change ourselves.

I find it is helpful to work with clients to improve their coping skills, tweak their expectations, and look at what role they are playing in creating unhappiness in their life.

Try taking some time to reflect on your expectations. Of yourself and others. It can be the beginning of a happier, more satisfying life.

expectations 2

If you enjoyed this article and are interested in seeking counseling with me:

https://www.psychologytoday.com/us/therapists/erin-doyle-theodorou-nutley-nj/243617

Erin Doyle Theodorou, M.Ed, LPC, NCC

THEODOROU THERAPY, LLC

590 Franklin Ave.

Suite 2

Nutley, NJ 07110

973-963-7485

etheodorou@theodoroutherapy.com