Tag: self-help

Sorry, You Can’t Have It All

by Erin Theodorou, posted in counseling, psychology, self-help
So you want to have it all, eh? You want to have a killer career, the perfect kid, a hot and heavy marriage, a big house, a nice car, and travel the world in your free time? (Because you would clearly have so much of it). Oh and you are doing it ALL this while keeping a super fit body because what is the point of doing well if you are not looking good when doing it? Right? Sorry, to tell you this, but it ain’t gonna happen. The reality is none of us have it all. We may do a good job of making it appear that we do but behind closed doors something always has to give. When most people talk about “having it all,” they tend to focus on all the external stuff like having a big house or getting a new job or getting their kid into an Ivy league school. Many of us are controlled in life by all or nothing thinking–we feel unless we have everything going right for us, we have nothing going right for us. We live in a society that tells us doing more means doing better. We are told that all of us, if we work hard enough, can have it all. It is this type of message that will make us feel like our lives are never good enough. A few days ago I was talking to a friend about all the pressure to “have it all”–to be perfect in a sense. It is an idea we all take part in perpetuating in our culture. I always wondered to myself, who wants it all– that sounds exhausting. Yet haven’t we all felt this pressure? This pressure to have it all starts in our early lives. Growing up, in elementary school, we are stressed the importance of getting good grades, being the “Star Student of the Month,” and getting those academic awards of recognitions. By high school, academic achievement isn’t enough. By the teen years we are expected to be smart, good-looking, fit, well-liked, athletic, and at the top of the social and intellectual hierarchy. Later in adulthood-comes the career ladder–which we are expected to climb and climb rapidly. In our society 40 hour work weeks just don’t cut it and if you aren’t doing more than average in your profession, you are failing.  The treadmill of your career is where the elevation and speed keep going faster and faster until you literally feel yourself about to fly off. Add to that pressure to be a perfect parent (if you have children) and raise the ideal child. Welcome to adulthood, where the 24/7 nature of our lives, refuses to allow us to slow down. As you can see, from the time we are old enough to read and write, the pressure begins to have it all. In this day and age, it seems even more challenging than ever to even attempt to have it all–work is no longer left at the office, relationships are now supposed to both emotionally and financially fulfilling, parenting is competitive and all-consuming, and social media offers constant comparison to everyone in our social network. The truth is having it all is just a way of the thinking that arises from our desire to compete with one another. As human beings, we are wired for competition and comparison. The reality of human nature is that we gauge how well we are doing by comparing ourselves to everyone around us. He has a nicer house than me–but I bet he can’t afford it. She is better looking than me–but whatever I am smarter. That dude drives a Porsche-must be nice–but too bad he is too old for that car. She is younger than me–but I looked better than her when I was that age. That dude has a real nice body–but he should be because he doesn’t have any real responsibilities. If I had his time, I could live in the gym too. Sound familiar? Human nature has us always jockeying for position–with a side of rationalizing as to why someone is perceivably “better” than us is one facet it or another. So, better or not, we will figure out a way to feel like we have a leg up on the competition. This type of thinking has largely driven the “having it all” mentality. This mindset is unlikely to change anytime soon. But the reality is none of us can have it all. Anyone with even a working knowledge of economics knows about “opportunity costs.” I remember learning about opportunity costs in high school–our teacher used the example of going to college for four years vs. starting work right after graduation. Make money right away or make more money down the road. There is no right or wrong choice-it is up to you what your goals are. Basically, opportunity costs means that every choice you make costs you something else, even if indirectly. Thus going to college for four years is costing you four years you can be out in the world earning a full-time salary. Every day we have opportunity costs–sleep an extra an hour or haul your ass to the gym.  Perhaps you decide to drag yourself to the gym. Despite gaining the value of a good workout, you lose the extra hour of sleep. Taking advantage of one opportunity always means giving up something else you can have potentially been doing. So what is the answer to this dilemma? Perhaps the solution is as simple as accepting our own limitations and deciding what we truly value. Then we can prioritize our lives around those values.  We cannot be everything to everyone. Something has to give. I find the people who are struggling with trying to have it all are really just struggling with deciding what to give up. Everything in life is about priorities. You can’t have everything so you have to prioritize. Nevertheless try not worry too much about how other people live their lives and what they do because at the end of the day there is only so many hours in a day. We all face opportunity costs. Don’t buy into the axiom, “You have the same amount of hours in a day as Beyonce.”  Well, Beyonce also has a full-time staff to clean her house, take care of her kids, cook her meals, run her errands. She also has Jay-Z to look after (and to look after him closely if the Lemonade album has taught us anything). The truth is you have to choose. YOU. If you want something bad enough, it is going to come at the expense of something else. Most of us are never taught this truth–our society ingrained in us from our early years the notion we can have it all. We are largely raised to define our self by external metrics of success.  Some of these metrics are useful, some are not. We all get 1,440 minutes a day. It is up to you to decide how to use those minutes and how you measure your life.
If you enjoyed this article and are interested in seeking counseling with me: https://www.psychologytoday.com/us/therapists/erin-doyle-theodorou-nutley-nj/243617 Erin Doyle Theodorou, M.Ed, LPC, NCC

THEODOROU THERAPY, LLC

590 Franklin Ave. Suite 2 Nutley, NJ 07110 973-963-7485 etheodorou@theodoroutherapy.com

Why am I So Angry All the Time?

by Erin Theodorou, posted in anger, anger management, counseling, psychology

Anger has many costs. While it can feel so justified, so right in the moment, it is in the aftermath where it becomes a source of regret and guilt. What may of seemed so deserving and just, now leaves behind hurt, scars, and alienation.

If you get angry on a regular basis, every relationship in your life can be affected. Take a second and reflect on your life as of late. Do you find yourself getting angry with people all the time? Being more sarcastic lately? Acting very impatient with others?  Or maybe you are feeling that your default mood is becoming pissed off?  Or perhaps you find that you may even be struggling with being angry at yourself?

Our anger takes its toll on those around us—friends grow distant, coworkers avoid or try to sabotage you, your relationship can become a minefield with your partner walking on eggshells to avoid setting you off.  Anger is an emotion that drives people away.

Anger also affects your health. It is well-known anger’s negative impact on your heart. Anger triggers our fight or flight response—pumping cortisol, adrenaline, and other stress hormones through our body. Our blood pressures rises. Our heart races. Anger can be deadly.

When we talk about the emotion of anger, we are talking about the emotion of self-preservation. You become angry when someone is not showing you respect, speaking ill of you,  creating conflict, or bringing some sort of tension into your life. When someone or something activates your sense of self-preservation, you want to stand up for your principles, your convictions, for who you are.

If you are struggling with anger, then likely something in your life isn’t going quite right. Most people don’t get angry when things are going well. Anger stems from being displeased about someone or something. It can often mask other emotions—fear, sadness, jealousy, hurt, disappointment. Anger can be a way to deal with a situation when you aren’t ready to face your more vulnerable feelings.

Here are some reasons you can be feeling so angry

  1. Powerlessness. Anger can be viewed as a state of powerlessness. All of us on some level, feel the need to be in control. If you are struggling with a sense of no control over a situation, or a goal of yours is being thwarted, this can explain your state of anger.  Anger can be an empowering emotion.
  2. Fear. Fear of loss, hurt, shame, weakness, embarrassment, and other vulnerable emotions. One can see that anger is an emotion that can be intimidating and threatening. If you are feeling afraid or threatened by someone or something, you might display anger as a way of protecting yourself from what you perceive to be a threat. Yet as the wise Yoda says, “Fear leads to anger, anger leads to hate, and hate leads to suffering.”
  3. Hurt. Hurt and anger are just different sides of the same coin. Hurt is the vulnerable expression of the experience and feeling hurt is what usually leads us to anger.
  4. Pain from the Past. If you are holding onto pain from the past, it can be showing up in your life as anger. You can feel wronged or hurt by something someone did to you a week ago, a month ago, a year ago, OR years ago. Pain like this can mature into bitterness.
  5. Stress. Stress is likely to increase anger in those who are prone to it. There is strong link between anger and stress. Stress comes into play in the physiological response to anger—the hormonal response we have to this emotion.   We see people acting out their  stress and anger on the daily in our society–road rage, workplace violence, mass shootings. It is an epidemic.
  6. Jealousy. Jealousy is a naturally occurring emotion. If you ever watch kids play, you can witness how easily this emotion bubbles to the surface. A child’s jealousy is developmentally appropriate because jealousy is a sign of undeveloped thinking.  As we mature and grow,  we usually focus less on others, and more on our goals and our own values.  Psychologically healthy adults know it is pointless to compare their lives to others. We all start in different places and are running different races. Yet many people still struggle with jealousy in adulthood. Jealousy can produce tremendous feelings of anger.
  7. People pleasing. Even if you are the most agreeable, nicest person on the face of this Earth, repressing your needs for others time and time again, is going to breed resentment. That repressed anger is going to spill out in one way or another–eye rolling, facial expressions, procrastinating, Freudian slips. People pleasers often share many traits with codependents. Codependency and anger go hand in hand (right alongside those feelings of powerlessness and yearning for control).
  8. Entitlement. A sense of entitlement often starts the vicious cycle of anger. When you expect others to do what you want, regardless of their own desires, you are setting yourself up for disappointment and frustration. Both of which lead to anger.  Now adays, more than ever, we are living in an age of entitlement.
  9. Self-importance. Anger and resentment are self-important emotions. Anger and self-importance go hand in hand. Often you can spot a self-important person by their anger. If things are going their way, they can be charming and wonderful. If someone or something gets in their way, say hello to full on rage.
  10. Loneliness. The price of anger can be loneliness–no matter how caring or sincere a person may be towards them, the angry person can’t appreciate it. Angry people often have a general disdain for humanity.  People who struggle with their anger tend to keep other’s at arm length and in doing so experience less fun, less support, and less joy in life.

How to Overcome Your Anger 

Anger is always a choice. It is also a habit. For a person who habitually suffers from anger, they tend to blame shift another person for their pain. Many times when we experience emotional pain we may ask ourself, “Who is responsible for this?” An angry person never takes responsibility for their pain.  Angry people look for someone to point the finger at and assign blame to.  Once there is a target of blame,  they can discharge their hurt with anger to this person.

There is a certain pleasure we feel in blaming others. It means in that moment we don’t have to look at ourselves, our shortcomings, our problems, our faults; we can put the spotlight on them. When we have someone to blame, we get to point out their sins and what is wrong with them, turning the focus completely off us.

The problem with doing that is we can’t make someone else responsible for what we feel including our pain. You and you alone are responsible for the quality of your life. Whether you are happy or not, whether your needs are getting met, whether the relationships in your life are going well, is determined by the choices you make. Thus the only way to stop being an angry person is to accept the fact that currently you are in fact an angry person. Then and only then can you begin to take responsibility for your anger.

Look at the costs of anger to your life, especially, in terms of your health and your relationships.  Be realistic about the causes of your anger and begin to keep an anger journal to observe and monitor the patterns of your anger. The journal can be helpful in  processing all the triggers and circumstances in your life that’s gotten you feeling so angry all the time.

Anger can only be controlled if you change the way you assess and interpret what goes on in your life. You can begin to control your anger by changing the thoughts that trigger it.  These trigger thoughts are a bit different for all of us but they tend to be grounded in a lot of “should” thinking.  We all have our own guidebook about how we and others should behave.  When someone does not follow one of our “rules” we get angry. Stop policing other people’s behavior because it only leads to feelings of frustration, anger, disappointment and resentment.  The word “should” inherently implies what you think you is correct and what the other person thinks is wrong, bad, stupid, etc. People are never going to act how you think they “should.” If you expect people to play by your rules, I can guarantee that you can find a reason to be angry every day, for the rest of your life.

Managing your anger is an active process–a process only you can control. I have faith that you can. But if you don’t learn to control your anger, it my friend, will come to control you.

If you enjoyed this article and are interested in seeking counseling with me:

https://www.psychologytoday.com/us/therapists/erin-doyle-theodorou-nutley-nj/243617

Erin Doyle Theodorou, M.Ed, LPC, NCC

THEODOROU THERAPY, LLC

590 Franklin Ave.

Suite 2

Nutley, NJ 07110

973-963-7485

etheodorou@theodoroutherapy.com

10 Signs You Have a Victim Mentality

by Erin Theodorou, posted in counseling, psychology, Uncategorized

Before you can change an aspect of who you are, first you need to be willing to recognize it.  Are you someone with a victim mentality? A person with a woe is me attitude.  A person who NEVER is to blame for any of the problems in their life–regardless of their actions or words.  A person with a victim mentality feels the world is against them and there is nothing they can do about it. If you are not one of them, I am sure you KNOW one of these people–because we all know SOMEONE with a victim mindset and these people are extremely draining. These people are perpetual victims of their own making and victimhood is a way of life for them. It is a deeply ingrained habit and most of the time the person who embodies this mindset can’t see it in themselves. They may be able to see it in OTHERS, but not in themselves.  People with a victim mentality tend to lack self-awareness.  If you have a victim mentality, not only do you cause stress and frustration for those in your life, but create this experience for yourself. Are you wondering if this could be you?

Ten Signs You Have a Victim Mentality

1.You Feel You are Not Responsible. Pause that. Maybe YOU ARE responsible–for the good things that happen in your life, sure. You will take ownership of THAT. You may even take credit for other people’s successes in your life–your husband got a promotion? Well, of course he did, because I am a great wife! And I push him to succeed. Your daughter got a scholarship to a great college? Well, of course she did, great parenting! You may love to take credit for others’ successes including bragging about them like they are your own. You may even humble brag about your own successes (because who doesn’t). But take ownership for the problems in your life? NO WAY are you taking responsibility for that! Get out of here on THAT!

Get into a fight with your wife? She is being crazy and unreasonable. Struggling at work? Not my fault. My boss is a real jerk.  Your sister has been avoiding you because of how much you complain and create drama in the family? She is the asshole. Your doctor refuses to have you as a patient anymore because you have not lose the weight or quit smoking like he’s been telling you for YEARS? Not my fault he obviously is a jerk who is ONLY in this for the money, he doesn’t care about his patients!

See where I am going here? Nothing in your life is your fault–it is always others or circumstances beyond your control.  You do not want the weight of responsibility for anything that is not going well in your life.

2.You Feel Others are Trying to Hurt You. Let’s be real here. Most people aren’t against you. They are for themselves. Human nature is what it is. But if you have a victim mentality, any time someone says something that rubs you wrong or you feel someone doesn’t give you the attention you feel you deserve, you think they are out to get you. It wouldn’t occur to you that people are busy with their own lives and that not everything revolves around you. People with a victim mentality tend to be a bit paranoid–thinking Facebook posts are about them, an unanswered text is an assault of their well-being, a birthday gift that isn’t up to their standards is taken as a slight-I know they gave me this to piss me off. People with victim mindsets not only feel others are actively trying to hurt them, but they also feel others should do more of the work in the relationship. They feel entitled–they feel you should call them, text them, reach out to them, make plans with them, and so on and  so forth. They pass the burden of maintaining the relationship onto you. Often people with a victim mentality have rocky, unstable relationships. Of course–this is never their fault–other people are just self-absorbed, uncaring assholes. RIGHT.

3.You Blame Others. If you are in a relationship with someone who has a victim mentality, you can bet that any conflict will not be their fault. These are the people who notice YOUR changed behavior but do not have the self-awareness to notice how THEIR behavior made you change your attitude towards them.  In any conflict, they will expect you to change but feel they did nothing wrong. They would never think about changing their behaviors towards you to see if they garner a different response. These people often have double standards-they can be short with you, but if you respond in kind, you are the one with a problem. They can not call you but expect you to call them. They can say rude things to you but god forbid you say something snarky to them. I think you get the gist. The blame game is their favorite to play! These people have blaming others and coming off like the innocent victim down to a science.

4.You Feel Powerless to Stop or Change a Problem. You may feel other people just suck. Or life sucks. You feel there is nothing you can do to be a catalyst for positive change in your life. You are just a passenger in your own life. We all know this is bullshit. But if you are someone with a victim mentality this is your gospel.  It doesn’t matter what the problem is or who in involves. If it is a conflict with your boss, you may start looking for a new job instead of working on the way you interact with her. If it is a problem with your health, say your doctor has been telling you to lay off the cigarettes, you may just got to a new doctor who won’t give you grief about your smoking. If it is a problem with a friend, instead of trying to look at things from his perspective, you will just start taking tiny digs at him, hoping he gets the message that you are upset with him. People with a victim mentality feel they do now have the power to change the circumstances of their life and wait on others to step up.  Like the John Mayer song, they are waiting, waiting, waiting on the world to change.

5.You Hold Grudges. Nothing reinforces a victim mentality like a good old grudge. Victims LOVE to be wronged. Love it! Listen, if someone does you wrong, YOU have the power to change what kind of relationship you have with them (if any at all).  Some people really are just shitty. But the burden of their shittiness IS NOT YOURS TO CARRY! Do what you need to do but don’t stew in resentment or hold onto bitterness towards them. All that does is give another person power over you. Victims love to give away their power. Victims love to hold onto the feeling of being wronged.  This is just a way of life for these people. Yet it is not worth holding onto those negative emotions because then the person who hurt you is continuing to live inside of you in an emotional sense. When interpersonal conflict arises, try seeing things from the other’s person perspective, look at the role you played, try to work it out, and if not, it is time to move on. If you really did nothing wrong, be satisfied with that and get on with it. Don’t continue to stew in the horrible behavior of SOMEONE else. Don’t wait on an apology. Don’t wait on them to change their behavior. It is not your job to police the world. If the other person is truly despicable, you learned who they truly are, you have the option to change the role this person has in your life, and keep it moving. Don’t keep the negativity going in your own life.

6.You are Passive Aggressive. Nothing screams victim mentality like passive aggressive behavior. These people tend to have little confidence and do not have the courage to speak their mind directly, but they sure love to get their anger across in covert ways! Moodiness, sulking, indirect digs, sarcasm, eye rolling, the backhanded compliment, silent treatment, lying, manipulating, triangulating, getting others to do their bidding, and so on and so forth. These people pride themselves on their passive aggressive maneuvers. They see themselves as the puppet masters pulling the strings behind the curtain. If someone is being passive aggressive with you, they are not worth your time. Give your attention to people mature enough to say what they truly feel.

7.You are Selfish. Playing the victim is inherently selfish. Ever been around someone who needs to make everything about themselves? Even if it has NOTHING to directly do with them? These are the people who somehow manage to make it all about THEM and how it affects THEM. They love to garner sympathy–playing the victim card at any chance they get. Negative or positive attention–it is all the same for them as long as the attention is on them. People with victim mentalities are the stars of their own movie. It is impossible to get these people to see things from your perspective because they don’t care about your perspective. They care about how they were wronged, how it affected them, how they are hurting, how this isn’t fair, how they are disappointed, and so on and so forth.

8.You Love to Complain. Complaining is a way of life for someone who plays the victim. If anything it is an anomaly for you have anything positive to say. There is no topic on Earth a person with a victim mentality can’t complain about. Rarely do these people have a good word to say about anyone or anything. Complaining is as natural for them as breathing.

9.You Have Low Self-Esteem. Feeling not good enough is at the core of a victim mentality. These people feel weak and powerless.  People with low self-esteem tend to develop a victim mindset because they feel they do not have the self-efficacy to change–at least not to change themselves. However, they may feel they can try to change others. If they felt they could change themselves, they would not feel the need to blame circumstances, others, and a largely “unfair world.”

10.You Compare Yourself to Others. Listen, this one is tough—we live in the age of Facebook, Instagram, Twitter, where comparing yourself to others is easier than ever before to do.  All you have to do is scroll through your phone to see what others in your “world” are up to you at any given moment. Comparing yourself to others, and coming up short, is a catalyst for feeling like a victim. Why is their life so fun when I am home plopped on the couch?! Not fair! Comparison is also what causes people to try to victimize others when they feel they come up short. The sad truth is there is often a bitterness to a person with a victim mentality and comparing themselves to others is one of their many bad habits. Often enough, they find ways to invalidate the success of others and to feed their victim mindset–anything to perpetuate the thought that they got dealt a shitty hand in life.

As you can see, when you take on a victim mentality, you are pretty much giving up ownership and responsibility for your life. You also are giving up the chance to be happy.

If it seems like a victim mentality can’t be beneficial to living a joyful and fulfilling life,  so you might be wondering, why would ANYONE want to live like this? Because like anything else, there are payoffs.

Such as?

~Attention and validation. Victims love to complain and whine about their problems. Successful people rarely play the victim card. But for the people who play it, they use their victim status as an excuse for why they may have not achieved a great deal. Often it helps a victim bond with others over how they have been “wronged” and what an “unfair” lot in life they have been given. Victims often grip about how others are “evil” and “bad.” Of course, when others are wrong, evil, and bad, the inference is that they, as the victim, are “right,” “moral,” and “good.” A victim gets to be the hero, the “do gooder” in their own twisted story.  A “poor me” attitude gives people an artificial “high” from their sense of self-righteousness.

~Staying in one’s comfort zone. Victims do not need to change. Why would they? They did NOTHING wrong. There is certain sense of comfort in feeling like a victim. Victims hate change. These are people who love to maintain the status quo.

~Avoiding responsibility for your life. If you are a victim, you are not responsible for the world around you and you often blame others. Blaming others can feel so good. It absolves you from having take a good, long hard look at yourself when you are busy pointing the finger.  It also gives you a fall sense of superiority to blame others and the circumstances around you instead of taking ownership for ALL aspects of your life.

~It is a role from childhood and it feels familiar. Perhaps growing up you played the victim with your parents to get your needs met. Maybe you use to blame your siblings and scapegoat them to get your way. Or maybe you watched your mom play the victim card with your dad to get her way. A victim mindset is often rooted in childhood.

But now the time has come to change for the better. To become a person who takes ownership for all the things in their life-good OR bad. If you have a victim mentality, there are ways to begin to shift your mindset to a more positive way of being.

Strategies to Stop Having a Victim Mentality

1)Be willing to give up the so-called “benefits” of being a victim. The attention. The sympathy. The shirking of responsibility. Playing the martyr role. If you are playing the victim, you are headed nowhere good fast.  Begin to look for proactive ways to go after what you want in life. Be an agent for change. For example, if you are unhappy in a friendship, try to make the effort to work on the relationship. It may not be reciprocated (which you cannot control) but then at least you know where you stand. Do not keep on waiting for the person to reach out and then complain they don’t care. If you want a relationship to improve, you need to make the first move.

2)Stop complaining. I know it is addicting. We all have our moments where we complain too much but it is when it becomes a way of life–that is when it is a problem. It is so much easier to complain than it is to ACTUALLY do something. But habitual complaining is bad for your health–your mental AND physical health. Complaining is a quick way to make yourself–and everyone around you–miserable. Start to break the habit. Complaining keeps you from taking action. But worse it keeps you in a negative reality.  To quote Maya Angelou, “If you don’t like something, change it. If you can’t change it, change your attitude.” Sometimes what you need is an attitude shift more than any actual external change.

3)Stop living in the past. People with a victim mindset are often grudge holders. They can remember with great detail what you did to them…in summer of 2002. That’s right– I said 2002. They can remember vividly (and with fresh rage) the time their mom made them stay home on a Friday night from their favorite band’s concert– while ALL their friends were allowed to go. That was so unfair, they still think to themselves, 20 years later. They can remember when their parents spent more money on their little sister than on them at the mall. When they were 9 years old. NINE. They can remember when their high school boyfriend stood them up to go hang with his friends. Or the college professor who embarassed them when they fell asleep in class. These types of people remember EVERYTHING.  There is no perceived wrong a person with a victim mentality can let go of. Yet the time has come to stop living in the past and LET IT GO. No good comes from holding onto all that negativity. If is literally a cancer of the mind. If you are an adult, you need to accept that life is not always fair. Not just for you but for everyone. We all get the short end of the stick sometimes. Stop making things worse for yourself. One way you can begin to anchor yourself in the present is to start a mindfulness practice, which may be helpful, if you are someone who ruminates (which most “victims” do).  Try working on living in the present moment and leave the past where it belongs- in the past.

4)Take responsibility for your life. This one is kind of self-explanatory. Everything in your life is 100% your responsibility. That’s right-I said EVERYTHING. The good, the bad, and the indifferent.  If you are unhappy with something, it is time to either make a plan to change it or work on changing your mindset.

5)Know you always can choose differently. We are all one choice away from a completely different life. Stop feeling stuck. If you are stuck, you are choosing the status quo over the fear of change.

6)Get counseling.  I am biased with this one, I know. Yet a good counselor can help you process your hang ups from the past, look at the ways you are currently contributing to the problems in your life, and help you begin to shift your perspective.

7)Be grateful for all the good things in your life. It is hard to be a victim when you practice the art of gratitude.  Try to be grateful even for the bad experiences in your life–they have taught you many lessons. People who may have wronged you have acted as great examples of who NOT to be. Unfortunate circumstances can help to open your eyes to all the many blessings in your life.

8)Learn to forgive. Let go of the grudges you carry towards others. And yourself. Stop beating yourself up for choices and mistakes you made YEARS ago. Stop being angry for what people did to you. Everyone, including you, is doing the best they can. Anger and resentment are heavy burdens to bear. See how it feels to get the weight of anger and resentment off your back.

9)Help others.  Try looking outward. People with a victim mentality tend to spend a lot of time navel gazing and nursing their grudges. Victims tend to think over and over again about all the ways they have been “wronged” in life and are extremely focused on themselves. Try to do something to help and support others-it is hard to feel like a victim when you are focused on being there for others. Be a positive influence in someone’s else life–that is true empowerment.

10)Give yourself a break. You are doing the best you can. Most victims struggle with their self-confidence. Stop being so hard on yourself–beating yourself up does nothing but foster negativity and encourage you to keep the victim mindset.  If you feel negativity on the inside, you will inevitably manifest negativity, in your external environment.

The time has come to release yourself from your self-made prison. Take control of yourself and your life.  No matter what happens in life, you have the choice in how you respond. To live your best life, you need to see yourself as a survivor, not a victim. Once you let go of being a victim, you can begin to free yourself from all the negativity you have been carrying, for far too long.  Just remember, if you want to fly, give up everything that weighs you down.

If you enjoyed this article and are interested in seeking counseling with me:

https://www.psychologytoday.com/us/therapists/erin-doyle-theodorou-nutley-nj/243617

Erin Doyle Theodorou, M.Ed, LPC, NCC

THEODOROU THERAPY, LLC

590 Franklin Ave.

Suite 2

Nutley, NJ 07110

973-963-7485

etheodorou@theodoroutherapy.com

7 Ways to Overcome Self-Sabotage: How to Conquer the Enemy Within

by Erin Theodorou, posted in counseling, psychology, Uncategorized
Are you someone who gets in your own way? Someone who wants things in your life to be better? You have big goals. Big dreams. Yet something always stops you from getting the ball rolling. Perhaps you want to leave a bad relationship but can’t will yourself to do it. It’s not THAT bad, you may tell yourself as you roll over in bed praying your partner doesn’t touch you. Maybe you want to lose those last 20 lbs but can’t keep yourself from rummaging through the fridge once the kids are in bed.  I work hard, I deserve to treat myself, you think to yourself as you make yourself an enormous ice cream sundae. Or maybe you have been putting off looking for a new job for months now even though you know you are in a dead-end situation. I don’t want to write this cover letter or get back on LinkedIn. It is so boring looking for a job and so much work, you may mutter to yourself. That side hustle you want to start? Every weekend you tell yourself, next weekend I will start, I am exhausted-it’s been a long week, where’s the remote? Comfort eating, procrastination, self-medicating with alcohol or drugs, self-injurious behaviors…these are all the common forms of self-sabotage we may recognize in ourselves and others. But what about the less obvious forms of self-sabotage? Talking yourself out of something before you even TRY.  Comparing yourself to others. Being NEGATIVE. Ignoring problems. Being arrogant.  Lying (to yourself AND others). Gossiping. Chasing away healthy relationships. Doing what feels good NOW instead of what would be best for later. Being stuck in fear. Keeping unhealthy, toxic relationships in your life. Being addicted to your phone. Being too modest. And the list goes on and on. There are a multitude of reasons why people self-sabotage.  But for many people who grew up in a less than perfect family or experienced a less than ideal childhood, the answer may lie there in how and why you self-sabotage. During childhood, many of us experience pain of different kinds. I am not talking about the falling off your bike pain or getting hit in the head by a ball in gym class type pain. I am talking about emotional and psychological pain.  Even if we grew up in a relatively healthy and functioning family, we may have went to school and experienced criticism from our peers ie the bullies at school. No one escapes being emotionally hurt. It is a part of growing up and is a part of life. I am not a big believer of blaming your parents or your childhood for problems in your adult life. Of course once you are an adult it is on YOU to take 100% responsibility for your life and the results you achieve. Yet many of us DO experience psychological pain during childhood–including from our parents who shape so much of our early worlds. And many of us are still being effected by their words and actions. While we may get picked on at school (which leaves its own type of scars)–it doesn’t resonate quite the same as when you get picked on in your own home.  Perhaps you had a perfectionist mom or a sharp-tongued father. They may have meant well and had your best intentions at heart–but their words still HURT. It is likely you can still reflect back to the criticizing, the shaming, the way the words they said made you feel like you were not good enough.  A mom who told you, “Do you really need ANOTHER piece of cake?”  A dad who in passing let you know, “This won’t cut it, son–our family doesn’t GET B’s–you better smarten up.” They meant well. Most parents do. Mom wanted you to be mindful of your weight–maybe she saw you were gaining a few pounds and didn’t want you getting picked on at school. Dad wanted you to excel in school because he knew how competitive it would be to get into a good college and believed B’s just wouldn’t get you there.  Their reasons and intentions may have been good–but that doesn’t matter. Because when you experienced their words the underlying message was who you were was not measuring up to THEIR standards. As you grew up you began to internalize all those comments that didn’t quite sit right with you.  Or maybe your parents’ words were NOT directed at you. But they directed negativity at themselves and you overheard and absorbed it. Maybe you had a self-loathing mother.  Perhaps mom often spoke of how fat she was, how she COULD have been this, or COULD have done that. Her words depicted she felt weak or like a failure. The message from her still resonates. Mom was not happy with herself and did not feel like she was ENOUGH. Children are like sponges and it is easy to internalize this type of caustic self-talk. If a kid hears their parent speaking of him or herself in a self-deprecating way, giving the message that they themselves are not good enough, how could they possible feel like they are good enough? If mom or dad aren’t good enough, no way I can be. You may find as an adult, you are now your own worst critic. Telling yourself similar messages to which you heard from your parents as a child. You shame yourself when you eat just a LITTLE too much because mom always let you know girls aren’t supposed to eat a lot (which by the way ladies, we all know isn’t true because food is GREAT). Or maybe you never were quite able to get those A’s in school–no matter how hard you tried.  Doing well academically was just not in the cards for you (which is fine–school is not the only indicator of intelligence). Or perhaps you, like your mom, find yourself nowadays feeling not quite enough (a message that is sadly perpetuated in our society).  Worse, you may find that you are doing to your own children, what your parents did to you. Maybe you, like your father, find yourself getting on your son’s back about his grades not being “good enough.”  You don’t want to model this behavior for your kids. But you can’t help yourself. Why do we engage in this type of self-destructive behavior? It does have its payoffs. Self-sabotage is a form of control. Even if the outcome is not what we desire, when we self-sabotage we are ensuring the outcome, albeit a negative one. It may not be the outcome we want, but nevertheless, we are in control of it.  We may find ourselves not only sabotaging ourselves but our relationships with others. For those of us who fear change, this can bring about a comfort of some sorts (better the devil you know, right). Change can be scary even positive change. Happiness can feel unsettling for those of us who are use to sabotaging ourselves. If you become happy, something can happen and it can be taken away. Maybe you don’t want to deal with the disappointment or loss of that feeling. Better to never have it than to have it and lose it, right? Success can seem threatening–once you achieve a goal then the struggle is on to maintain that level of success. This can be intimidating. On some level, you may even believe you deserve to fail. Yet it doesn’t have to be this way. How can we overcome self-sabotage? 1)Become aware. Figure out the ways you are screwing yourself over. Reflect back on your life up to now including the way your family of origin is still impacting your day-to-day psychology. Human nature has a way of repeating the familiar even if it is negative and unhealthy. Becoming aware of the way your life history is repeating itself is a good first step to changing. Next, you need to stop the excuses and rationalizations. Stop telling yourself you don’t have the time. Often I hear people say they are too “busy” for something–but we are never too busy for what is important to us. Stop telling yourself it is “too hard.” Too often we psych ourselves out before we even start. We think to ourselves if we keep our expectations low, we can’t be disappointed, we can’t fail. This type of mindset tends to stem from childhood. Self-awareness is key if you want to end self-sabotage. 2)Become okay with not being accepted. It is a strong need for many of us to be accepted by others and “fit in.” Having a desire to be accepted can come at the expense of being successful in the pursuit of your goals. Maybe you had parents who weren’t very successful. Maybe most of your family and friends are struggling with making ends meet. Becoming successful may feel like a betrayal to them. Perhaps you feel if they witness your success, they may feel inadequate and reject you.  Remember these fears may not be conscious but subconsciously driving your behavior. The sad truth is the flip side of acceptance is rejection. It is easier for people to reject you or try to bring you down rather than work on building themselves up. On some level you may fear losing valued relationships in your life if you were able to successfully reach your goals and bring your life to the next level. 3)Become comfortable with uncertainty. We live in an increasingly fast paced world. If you want to thrive, you need to become comfortable with change, and things changing rapidly. If you resist change, you will only create suffering for yourself. The need for certainty is going to limit your ability to progress in life and guarantee you fail at  reaching your goals. Why? Because in order to have “certainty” things need to be predictable and stay the same.  Self-sabotage is a form of certainty–you know you will fail but you won’t have to deal with the stress of changing. You also don’t have to worry about the reactions you may receive from those closest to you as you become more accomplished. Even a spouse can become threatened when their partner starts making big moves.  These are sad truths we may not want to admit. Certainty over success can be a driving force for many of us. The need to be certain all but ensures you will sabotage yourself.  Avoiding uncertainty means trying to create an environment you can control, trying to control other people, and struggling to stay in control of yourself. Control is an illusion. We all like to think we can influence our environment and those around us but the fact of the matter is you can only control yourself. Thinking otherwise is a form of self-sabotage. Let go of your illusion of control if you want to put an end to your self-destructive ways. 4)Lose your self-importance. A prime psychological need is significance. Who amongst us doesn’t want to be important or feel significant? We achieve significance in different ways and what significance means is largely subjective.  But if you want to be important and significant, at the expense of all else, you have a recipe for disaster.  Why? Because to be the most important, you are inherently comparing yourself to others. To be the most important you either need to surround yourself with people with less ability than yourself (which is self-sabotaging in and of itself) OR pretend you have more capability than you do. Neither of these components lay the groundwork for bettering yourself. 4)Challenge your thoughts. We are creatures of habits. We think something for long enough, we are going to resist changing our perspective on it. Humans are lazy. We often don’t want to think (or work) too hard. Challenging your viewpoints can seem daunting. To overcome self-sabotage, you need to begin to look at the ways your self-talk has become negative. Are you a cynic? Do you write yourself and others off before even giving it a chance?  Figure out if your goals are obtainable–and if the way you look at things are grounded in reality. Listen, we all look at people who are Pollyannas as not living in quote, “reality,” seeing their over the top optimism as dooming them to failure. But someone who is a negative curmudgeon is not necessarily grounded in reality either. A lot of things in life are neutral and whether we deem it as good or bad is largely based on our perceptions.  If pessimism is what is driving you, you may want to reevaluate. Pessimism is a form of psychological self-sabotage. Try to find that happy middle ground between hoping for the best and expecting the worst. 5)Recognize your negative patterns and what drives your behavior. What are you triggers? Stress at work? Conflict with your spouse? Your kid not getting his homework done? What is the catalyst for you sabotaging your goals? It is different for all of us. I know when I have a really stressful work day, I come home and want to dive into the Ben and Jerry’s (with rainbow sprinkles and a cherry, of course, because that is LIVING). Yet I needed to learn a new way to deal with my stress to replace that negative behavior of coming home to pig out. For me, I found listening to podcasts on a topic I ENJOY on my drive home, breaks me away from whatever it was stressing me out that day.  What used to happen was after a stressful work day, I would drive home ruminating over what was upsetting me. All that did was amp up my stress level (and make me hungrier, of course). Figuring out your patterns of behavior is a must if you want to stop tripping yourself up. Finding new ways to cope with stress can also help to drop your baseline level of stress. It is interesting to me, as a psychotherapist, to see how many of us are struggling with our coping skills as adults. 6)Stop worrying about what isn’t yours to manage. Let other people manage their lives. Your friend who always calls with a crisis that lasts in a two-hour phone call? Let her work it out on her own this time. Your sister who is always asking you to help with her kids? Let her hire a baby sitter or ask someone else this time. Your coworker who asks you to help them  last-minute with their proposals? Let them know you don’t have the time this week. Your kid who has a project due tomorrow that he hasn’t even STARTED? Let him deal with the consequences for once instead of stepping in to get it done. Try staying in your lane and you will begin to feel a sense of balance in your life. We cannot continue to be everything to everyone. 7)Be selective in who you keep in your inner circle. The sad fact is there are people in our lives who don’t want us to succeed. Whether it is from their own insecurity, self-hatred,  or just the simple fact if they see you do better, somehow that makes them feel “less than” and they will go down a notch on their perceived hierarchy. Or perhaps there are people in your life who have you boxed into a certain role and they do not want to remove you from that box because of how it would make THEM feel. Whatever the root cause may be, it doesn’t matter. It is a nasty truth about human nature.  People feel envy and jealousy towards people–even people they claim to love. Think about the “friend” who knows your on a diet, yet offers you candy and chips every chance she gets. Or maybe she asks you to go to happy hour afer work when you JUST told her you are hitting up the gym.  It is even possible you start to see the pounds drop off and this “friend” is telling anyone who will listen that you are on diet pills or had liposuction to lose the weight. Anything she can to take away from your hard work and belittle your accomplishments. The reality is some people will always try to tear down others to elevate themselves. This is not good for the mind OR the soul. Keeping those people in your life is not going to support you being the best version of yourself. Self-sabotage is preventable.  It often stems from our fears and patterns in our life that can be traced back to our early beginnings. Looking back at our childhood and the way it is still playing out in our lives TODAY can be a game changer. Looking at the people we surround ourselves with and if they are lifting us up or bringing up down is a must. Reflecting on what is driving us and a reevaluation to see if we have our priorities right.  It is time to end your self-sabotage by getting out of your own way. If you enjoyed this article and are interested in seeking counseling with me: https://www.psychologytoday.com/us/therapists/erin-doyle-theodorou-nutley-nj/243617 Erin Doyle Theodorou, M.Ed, LPC, NCC

THEODOROU THERAPY, LLC

590 Franklin Ave. Suite 2 Nutley, NJ 07110 973-963-7485 etheodorou@theodoroutherapy.com

7 Signs of Walking Depression (“Smiling Depression” or “High Functioning Depression”)

by Erin Theodorou, posted in counseling, psychology, Uncategorized

depression

When most of us think of someone who is depressed, we tend to think of the most extreme form, which is people who suffer from major depression (also called clinical depression).  We think of a person who may be home, in bed, unable to function.  We may imagine someone who cries often or talks about suicide.  These are all symptoms of severe depression. This form of depression is usually marked by difficulty going to work, sleeping, eating, socializing, studying, or functioning at even the most basic level in day-to-day life. Major depression is a potentially deadly illness. A person with major depression may struggle with hygiene (it is too much energy to take a shower), making meals (even a sandwich can seem like too much work), or day-to-day tasks (leaving a sink full of dishes for days). This is severe form of depression but most people would notice these signs (or have friends or family who notice their symptoms) and would be more likely to receive help.

A much more common form of depression is walking depression. Depression exists on a spectrum and manifests itself in various ways. The “high functioning” form of depression is “walking depression” or “smiling depression.”  Walking depression’s symptoms can be tougher to recognize because they don’t fall under the picture of what most people think of when they think of depression. People with walking depression may work, raise children, socialize, travel, and even carry out all their day-to-day responsibilities. If you have children, who are not immune to this order, they can be honor students who play varsity sports and have lots of friends. Just because someone is successful does not mean they are not suffering. Walking depression does not discriminate by age, race, or gender. People with this disorder can be high achievers who are achieving remarkable things–but they are doing so with a general sense of misery. A person with walking depression is still getting up each morning, going about their day, going to work, and putting on the facade that everything is A-okay to their family, friends, or coworkers. A person with this form of depression can be very successful professionally, have an active social life, and even be well-traveled.  A person with walking depression may on paper seem to “have it all.” But there is a disconnect between the way their life appears and the life the person with walking depression EXPERIENCES. An individual with walking depression may even be MAD at themselves for feeling unhappy when they know there is no real reason to be.  Kevin Breel, who did an excellent Ted talk on this topic, describes depression perfectly, “Real depression isn’t being sad when something in your life goes wrong. That is normal. Real depression is being sad when everything in your life goes right.”  Having no reason to be sad but feeling sad is TRUE depression. You never know who in your life can be struggling because  a person with walking depression functions, even functions on a high level, but struggles on the day-to-day. People with this form of depression live with a profound sense of unhappiness.

Dysthymia, a chronic, low-grade form of depression, can go on for years untreated. Many people who suffer from this disorder may just think what they feel is “normal” and it is what “real life” is supposed to feel like. Their depression is not disabling in the way clinical depression is but it is still a serious disorder. A person with this disorder may not even know something is wrong because it does not impact their day-to-day functioning. Or they may know something is not quite right but can’t quite put their finger on what. The reality is there is still a stigma that exists in our society as it relates to mental health issues. Many people would never want to admit to THEMSELVES let alone another that they are suffering from depression. It may be because they would feel weak or it may be a blow to their ego or maybe they don’t “believe” in depression (whether for cultural, religious, or familial reasons). However, if you do not acknowledge or believe in depression, this does not exclude you from struggling with this disorder.

How do you know if you or someone you love might have walking depression?

1.Being moody and irritable. When our day-to-day life is a struggle, which it often is for someone with walking depression, it is harder to let things roll off our backs. A person with walking depression may snap at this littlest things or be very cynical in their thinking. The negativity they are feeling internally will spill out in different ways to their external world.  Things that would normally be annoying but no big deal to someone WITHOUT walking depression, can result in bursts of rage or anger in a person with walking depression. Think about it this way–reflect on a day where you woke up tired and in a foul mood. We all have these days. Even the healthiest among us can admit on days where we wake up on the wrong side of the bed, there are situations we would usually laugh off or not let bother us, that really get us going. This is what every day can be like for someone with walking depression. It is already taking everything they have to get through their day-to-day life, so when something rattles them, they have little or no ability to cope. All their coping skills are being used up just to FUNCTION in their day-to-day life.

2. Being lethargic. A person with walking depression keeps it moving…but boy is it a struggle. Work, errands, dropping the kids off at school, they may even hit up the gym. A person with walking depression may do a lot–but with a general feeling of blah. You may drink copious amounts of coffee yet not get the benefit of the energy jolt. Low energy or no energy is the new normal when you are struggling with depression. No amount of caffeine will overcome you melancholy. When someone is depressed their energy levels tend to be low or non-existent because they are struggling with deep feelings of worthlessness, hopelessness, and powerlessness. All those negative emotions that accompany depression tend to deplete a person’s energy.  Being in a perpetual negative state of mind takes a lot out of a person. It is not easy to live in a state of chronic depression.

3. Being rigid and unwilling to change. With walking depression, you try not to break your routine (examples: can’t stand the idea of traveling somewhere new, won’t quit the job you hate, won’t leave the partner you have fallen out of love with, don’t want to meet new people or go to new places, etc.). When you are struggling  with walking depression, it takes all you have to just get through the day. You may be unhappy with a certain aspect of your life but changing it would take energy that you just do not have. You don’t want to venture outside of your routine and comfort zone for fear the stress of the change would make you come apart at the seams.

4. Overeating or not eating much at all. Using food (or avoiding food) as a way to cope with your unhappiness. It can go either way depending on the personality type. Change in appetite is something to look into.

5.Unable to look forward to anything and a general sense of cynicism. Maybe your son is graduating college. Or you finally booked that trip to Hawaii you have been putting off for years. Maybe your daughter will be getting married next year. But you just can’t find the energy to care. Happy life events do not bring you joy. If anything you dread having to put on the show of “being happy” at such events. Even worse you feel resentful of the people in your life who DO seem to be happy. You wonder if they are “faking it” or wonder how anyone can so happy over something so trivial. You may suffer a lot of Instragram envy. Or Facebook envy. Or envy of your college best friend’s annual holiday card with a beautiful picture of her and her “happy” family. You try to rationalize why you feel as miserable as you do and simultaneously feel irked by people who appear to be happy.

6.Feeling chronic negativity towards others. This piggybacks a bit off the cynicism towards others. A person with walking depression can come off bitter. It takes so much out of them to just function, it can get them irritated if you ask the simplest thing of them.  A person with walking depression can come across like they  have a chip on their shoulder because while they are doing everything asked of them, they are doing it with a sense of irritability and resentment. They may speak negatively of others and negatively about life in general because of their struggle to keep it together. Remember, if you feel unhappy with your own life it is almost impossible to feel happiness for others.

7. Drinking more. Or self-medicating in some form. Prescription pills. Smoking marijuana. A person with walking depression might only feel a slight sense of relief after a couple of glasses of wine. Or a few puffs on a joint. Or whatever their poison of choice is. It is a red flag that you are struggling if substances are the only way you feel any sense of happiness.

What to do if you think you or some you love has Walking Depression?

  1. Seek help. A good first step would be to tell your primary care doctor who may prescribe antidepressants or recommend a psychiatrist/therapist for you to speak with. When you have walking depression, you may not have the motivation to seek help. If you recognize these symptoms in a family member or friend, try to push them to seek support. People with walking depression do not need to continue to suffer in silence.
  2. Tell your friends and family.  Reducing your isolation can help you overcome the disorder. Friends and family can be a source of great support (and who knows who amongst your social circle has gone through the same). There is no shame in struggling from time to time with your psychological health. A new movement to make physical health just as important as mental health is on the rise. We need to continue as a society to work to become a mental health stigma free country. Carrying the secret that you are not happy is a heavy burden to bear. Often walking depression is a consequence of living a life that you are not happy with. Let your loved ones know you struggle. Admitting the truth can be a relief in and of itself.
  3. Get exercise. Walking is shown to alleviate lower grade forms of depression and is good for overall health. In fact walking is one of the go to recommendations for milder cases of depression. Any form of exercise can help you to treat your walking depression.
  4. Meditate. Often when one is struggling with walking depression, they are very much a prisoner of their mind. One can be stuck ruminating (which is to think deeply about something over AND over). Ruminating tends to dig us into a hole–a hole of negativity.  Try just five minutes of meditating a day to begin to break the cycle. There are many great apps on your phone that can lead you through meditation for beginners and some great YouTube videos as well. I recommend downloading Headspace to your phone and watching “Meditation for Beginners” by Leo Gura from actualized.org (his youtube channel is actualized.org–lots of good videos on there).
  5. Journal. This can help you manage your symptoms and channel your thoughts and feelings. Journaling can help you clear your mind and make you more aware of why you are feeling what you are feeling. It can even be helpful to journal to find patterns in your thinking. If you are in counseling, you can use a journal to discuss patterns about your thoughts and behavior with your therapist.
  6. Lighten your load. Don’t spread yourself too thin! We live in an age where “being busy” is a badge of honor. If you are suffering from walking depression, you should try to really focus on self-care and see what responsibilities you can get off your plate. Chronic stress can be a contributing factor to your disorder. Less is more when you are struggling with walking depression.
  7. Develop gratitude. Practicing gratitude has been shown to influence one’s mood and increase overall happiness.  It can help you begin to shift your thinking from the negative to the positive.  Start every day thinking about three things you can be grateful for.

You don’t have to do all of these suggestions. Just try some. Or one. There is not one size fits all approach to treating depression. Walking depression is very treatable but the first step is acknowledging how you truly feel. And remember the serenity prayer, “God grant me the serenity to accept the things I cannot change, courage to change the things I can; and the wisdom to know the difference.” I wish you courage.

If you are someone you love are in crisis, call the National Suicide Prevention Lifeline, at 1800-273-8255.

 

THEODOROU THERAPY, LLC

590 Franklin Ave.

Suite 2

Nutley, NJ 07110

973-963-7485

etheodorou@theodoroutherapy.com