stress – Page 5 – Erin Theodorou, M.Ed, LPC, ACS, NCC

What to Do When You are Feeling Bad about Yourself

October 20, 2018March 6, 2021 by Erin Theodorou, posted in counseling, psychology, self-help

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No matter who we are we all have our days where we just aren’t feeling great about ourselves. It can be situational such as a recent break up, a falling out with a friend, trouble with one of our kids, health issues (our own or someone we love’s), weight gain, financial stress, an issue at work, our house looking a fright. Insert crummy feeling here. When we are feeling bad about ourselves or our current situation, it can affect our life in numerous ways. Feeling bad about yourself can color your view of the world—making us feel negative about everyone and everything. When we are in this state, we tend to bring others around us down too. We drive people away from us with our negativity. Let’s be fair here. Life is hard enough without being around a Negative Nancy or Debbie Downer. No one is going to want to be in your company if you spew negativity. When we put negativity out into the universe, we bring down the vibe of the room and the moods of others. I refer to this behavior as anger dumping–where we dump our negative emotions on someone else. For many people this helps them feel better. Yet this type of behavior will drive people away from us which in turn will only make us feel worse about ourselves.

Besides hurting our relationships, often when we aren’t feeling very high on ourselves, we make matters worse with our chronic negative self-talk. A running dialogue in your mind can begin to play caustic self-talk. I am not making enough money. I am too fat. My house isn’t organized enough. My kids won’t listen. Why won’t my cholesterol numbers budge? I have too much to do. I am getting so old. Are those gray hairs? Why is my blood pressure so high? I hope I don’t lose my job. What am I going to do when my kids go to college? Does my wife still find me attractive? Why can’t I finish what I start? What’s next? Am I doing enough? We all have a unique “tape” that plays in our mind.

What are the thoughts that run through your mind when you are spiraling into your “negative zone?” We all have negative thoughts we tell ourselves when we are feeling down and out. Our thoughts are very subjective and usually are a reflection of our values. If you are a parent, maybe you get down on yourself about your parenting. If you are self-conscious about how you look, maybe you beat yourself up for how you are aging or how much weight you have put on through the years. If you are career-oriented, you chide yourself for things you could have done better with clients or colleagues. If you are relationship oriented, you focus on the state of your marriage or relationship. If you are into fitness, you beat yourself up about not getting below a 7 minute mile.

We all have unique values and different things we tend to focus on. Yet it seems to be a universal experience that we are ALL our own worst critic. Too often we do not question the thoughts we think. We just accept our thoughts at face value. The way we talk to ourselves is going to impact how we feel. CBT (cognitive behavior therapy) and REBT (rational emotive behavior therapy) are centered around how we feel is largely a result of the thoughts we think. Thus the goal in treatment is to work on a client’s cognitions and thought processes.

The way we think is going to have a direct impact on how we feel AND act. All too often we let a bad day spiral. Our thoughts turn pessimistic. We begin to view a bad day as a bad life. A bad work day as a bad job. A bad fight as a bad relationship. A lazy day as us just being lazy. We generalize negative feelings and blow things out of proportion. The reality is some days are better than others. We have days we are more productive than others. When days go less well, we usually are harder on ourselves. But feeling bad about yourself won’t get you anywhere you want to go. The negative self-talk will zap your motivation. It will color the way you feel about others. You will begin to feel exhausted–mentally and physically. It was impact the way you feel about yourself. It can make you physically ill. When you start to feel in a down mood…ask yourself what IS IT that I am focusing on? Maybe you will find you are focusing on something you don’t want or something you don’t care for. Perhaps you are focusing on….a person you don’t like, a habit you have you are struggling to kick, a situation at work that is driving you nuts, a problem your kid is having that you can’t seem to help her to overcome, an ongoing point of contention with your spouse, a number on the scale that won’t budge, and so on and so forth.

What can you do when you are feeling down to boost ourselves up? 1.Reduce stress. We are more likely to get stuck in a negative spiral when our life is more hectic than we care for. Try to find ways to mitigate stress–focus on the musts, not the shoulds of your to-do list. Accept your needs, manage your time, practice relaxation. Learn to recognize the signs of your body’s stress response (difficulty sleeping, being easily angered, feeling depressed, having low energy, increased substance use). 2.Schedule things you enjoy into your week. Too often we forget about our self-care. Make sure you have time throughout the week to get in some things you enjoy–a tv show, a book, a workout, coffee with a friend. If you need to, literally schedule “fun” into your weekly planner. Adults need downtime and fun just as much as kids do. 3.Watch what you eat. Bad nutrition does not help our mood. In fact much research shows a direct correlation between an unhealthy diet and mood disorders. Make an effort to focus on a healthy diet as the foods we eat certainly impact our mental well-being. Do some research on nutritional psychiatry if you feel your diet can be impacting your moods. 4.Exercise. Even if you only have 15 minutes to go take a walk outside your office. Every little bit helps. Exercise has a way of getting us motivated, giving us energy, and improves our self-esteem. It also helps to break up the monotony of our day. 5.Limit time spent with negative people. You do not need other people’s negativity bringing you down. Set boundaries with these energy vampires. These people should get the least of our energy and time–anyone with a bad attitude, fatalistic outlook, disdain for other people, catastrophic thinkers—-they have got to go. These people have a way of creating problems for themselves AND others. It will be hard to not feel misery around miserable people. 6.Connect with the people you love. Too often we let weeks go by without calling a friend or family member. Texting is NOT the same. Try to figure out a way to connect with the people you love—call on the drive home from work, stop by on your Saturday morning bagel run, make the effort to connect. 7.Ask for help. We are all in this together. No man is an island. If you are struggling, reach out for support. Don’t let pride or fear get in the way. Sometimes we begin to self-isolate when we aren’t feeling too happy with ourselves. Withdrawing from people will only make you feel worse. 8.Meditate. Quieting our mind can reduce stress, improve sleep, increase focus, improve relationships, and improve our mood. Meditating has a way of stopping our judgmental thoughts and bringing us back into the present moment. It can help you stop spinning stories, thoughts, fantasies about yourself (and other people). Meditation cultivates calmness from within and helps you to take your thoughts (and self) less seriously. 9.Keep going. Give yourself credit for how hard you work. Action breeds confidence. Often when we are feeling down on ourselves, we get paralyzed into inaction by our negative thoughts. Don’t sit home thinking about it, just do it. 10.Watch your thoughts. Notice when you find yourself falling into a negative spiral. Thinking is the way we talk to ourselves. Often we talk to ourselves in a way we would never dare speak to others. Try to take note of your mental habits–the stories you tell yourself, your fantasies, your ideas. Learning to observe yourself is pivotal to monitoring your actions and changing how you feel. We all struggle from time to time. No one is immune from feeling bad about themself every now and again. Part of being human is realizing we are all works in progress. We will never be “done” or “complete.” (Unless we are dead–I don’t think any of us want that). We are always growing and evolving. Try to feel good about yourself regardless of what trials and tribulations life brings. If you continually struggle with this, counseling may be the place to begin the journey to self-acceptance. albert-ellis-1643

If you enjoyed this article and are interested in seeking counseling with me:

https://www.psychologytoday.com/us/therapists/erin-doyle-theodorou-nutley-nj/243617

Erin Doyle Theodorou, M.Ed, LPC, NCC

THEODOROU THERAPY, LLC

590 Franklin Ave.

Suite 2

Nutley, NJ 07110

973-963-7485

etheodorou@theodoroutherapy.com

Why We Overeat~The Psychology of Binge Eating

October 9, 2018October 9, 2018 by Erin Theodorou, posted in counseling, psychology

Ever ask yourself why you overeat? Despite repeated attempts to live a healthy lifestyle and treat your body well–do you find eating a moderate, balanced diet continues to be an ongoing struggle?

Can you remember the last time you ate to the point you were stuffed?

How did you feel afterwards? Ashamed? Guilty?

If this sounds familiar–don’t worry, you are in good company.

It is no secret that many Americans are overweight and obesity is an ongoing epidemic.

Even for people who are not overweight or obese, they may still struggle with binge eating.

If you are someone who overindulges occasionally–that is completely normal.

Who among us has not pigged-out from time to time? We all pile of the stuffing on Thanksgiving or eat that extra piece of cake on our birthday.

The problem is when overeating because our norm and not the anomaly.

Clients often tell me, “I eat when I am hungry, I eat when I am sad, I love to eat.”

What that is telling me is more is going on here than just a person who eats to satisfy hunger and be healthy.

With chronic binge eaters there are three characteristics usually shared:

1)A hard time resisting favorite foods (a lost of control)

2)A hard time stopping once eating begins (issue with satiation)

3)A preoccupation with food (often an obsession)

For some people reading this, you can’t even begin to relate to what I am saying at all. People who do not struggle with binge eating would not relate to these three characteristics. But for the many of us who struggle with overeating–this probably hits close to home. We yo-yo diet and struggle with keeping the pounds off. And it feels like it is beyond our control.

Where does this power that food has over us come from?

1)Taste (the memory of your favorite food)

2)Anticipation of the taste

3)Our brains get cued by external stimuli (example you always go on a yearly vacation to the beach and eat salt water taffy–the smell of the ocean alone triggers the craving)

4)Our brain’s amygdala is activated and wants us to get whatever it is we are craving (the brain stays active until we are stuffed).

A lot of this process is unconscious.

Part of the epidemic of obesity is arising from the growing addiction to food.

We overeat fatty, sugary, salty foods because it changes how we feel.

As humans we respond to salient stimuli (which can be alcohol, tobacco, sex).

Food is most socially acceptable as an addiction (to be addicted to fat, sugar, salt).

For example, the norm for you may be to go out on a Friday night with your family to Applebees. You are used to ordering buffalo wings as one of the half-priced appetizers (a fatty food, that is fried in more fat, with red sauce, to be dipped in a white creamy sauce ie fat on fat on fat on sugar and salt with a LITTLE protein).

This type of food triggers the reward center in our brain.

A large part of the binge eating epidemic in our country is arising from our culture–portions have gotten out of control, the additives put in our food cause us to grow addicted, and there is a neurobiology to food addiction. Then factor in the cheapest food tends to be the unhealthiest and it is easy to understand this growing health crisis our nation is facing.

Even salads have become vehicles for delivering fat—we load them with bacon, cheese, croutons, dressing, and it is easily over 1,500 calories!

I know I love my salad covered in dressing with little mozzarella balls!

The reality is as a society we eat too much. We don’t know how to stop. Often how we socialize is centered around food.

Food is entertainment and it in our culture it has become socially acceptable to eat at any time.

Our psychology is a driving force behind our growing waistlines. Many of us deal with negative emotions by turning to food for comfort. We trade in our health for the momentary bliss that comes from indulging in sugar, fat, and salt. We get a spike of dopamine and feel a sense of euphoria. The worst part is every time we indulge we strengthen our neurocircuits to DO IT AGAIN.

On the day-to-day, we get cued, our brain is aroused by the salient stimuli, we get a reward by eating whatever IT is we are craving, and we release all the feel good chemicals in our brain that cause us to overeat again— more and more frequently!

If you are lucky, you are less receptive to dopamine-in a word dopamine makes us want (and crave). It is possible, you don’t get the dopamine surge that reinforces many people’s drive to overeat. Some people with the luck of genetics are less impulsive to this urge in general (not me, but that is what I researched. Lucky ducks).

This is a habit that often starts in childhood. Our parents use food to comfort us, reward us, and bribe us.

Clean your room and we can go get ice cream.

If you win this game, let’s go get pizza!

Even at an early age, we can see food is used as the carrot and stick to motivate us. A lot of our adult struggles with overeating stem from childhood experience and pass memories.

When we are craving something–the memory of the last time we had it and ENJOYED it floods our mind. These memories fuel our desire to eat the food and anticipate the reward we will experience from indulging in it.

Our psychological state impacts our relationship with food.

We overeat because we are often emotionally hungry.

Lonely, depressed, bored, overwhelmed, sad, angry, stressed, the list goes on and on.

Many brain neurotransmitters affect our mood and appetite. The more we indulge in overeating the worst the cycle gets.

We overeat because of external cues–watching tv, socializing, someone’s birthday at work, the vending machine at the office–whatever triggers the urge.

As a society, we are also mindless eaters. How often in life is our attention drawn somewhere else? Many of us eat in front of the tv or with our cell phone in hand or in our car as we speed to our next appointment.

In our culture, many of us are constantly going on and off diets. Dieting isn’t the solution. A change in lifestyle is the solution.

We need to shift seeing food as a reward.

Learning new ways to relieve stress is key-cortisol, the stress hormone that floods most of us on the daily, triggers an increase in appetite. Mitigating our stress is pivotal to changing our relationship with food. Modern day society with its fast paced lifestyle has resulted in elevated levels of cortisol among us all. Being chronically stressed leaves us craving carbs and fats–particularly in the late day and evenings.

I know evening eating is a weakness of mine. Many of us eat from evening to bedtime–after all the stress from the day, the kids are in bed, food will be a nice, little reward–making us feel great for a few minutes (indulging in fatty, sugary foods activate the opioid circuitry). You feel great for a couple of minutes but then feel horrible after for breaking your healthy diet.

To overcome our struggles with overeating we need to identify our stressors. We need to replace bad habits with realistic alternatives–instead of downing a pint of Ben and Jerry’s find a pragmatic solution for how to deal with stress.

If you hate to exercise, replacing food with a walk will not work. Because you won’t want to do it. It will not be a viable replacement to binge eating. What you need to figure out are non-food ways to cope with stress.

It will be different things for all of us.

You need to new neurocircuitry to successfully stop overeating.

What circuits are we dealing with here? The learning, motivation, memory,and habit circuits.

When you are emotionally connected to yourself, you find you are less likely to feel the urge to escape through food.

How do you change your food addiction?
1)Having structure helps. Create a routine around eating. Plan out what you will eat during the day. Leaving it up to endless options=recipe for disaster.

2)We, as a society, need to change the social perception of overeating. Look at smoking–it use to be considered cool until we had what psychologists call a “critical perspective shift” where we as a society started to see tobacco as deadly and disgusting.
This perspective shift towards food has already started–at least as far as it relates to process foods and GMOs. Yet we can live without nicotine, but we cannot live without food. Therefore it is a different type of shift we need here.

You need to change how you look and respond to food.

3)We need to work on balance. Look at 2-year-old. If they eat more at lunch, they eat less at dinner. They balance it out. Adults tend NOT to balance their meals (or days or lives for that matter).

Until we change how we look at food and figure out a balance in our lives, we will continue to struggle.

To schedule a counseling session with me (AND if you are a reader in New Jersey):

https://anewcounselingservices.com/erin-theodorou%2Cm-ed-%2C-lpc

Are You Putting Your Happiness on Hold? How the Arrival Myth Will Ruin Your Life

September 7, 2018January 3, 2026 by Erin Theodorou, posted in counseling, psychology, self-help

Have you been putting your happiness on hold?

Are you waiting on your life circumstances to be just right to finally feel happy?

The concept of the arrival myth is that once you have “arrived” at a certain point in your life, everything will fall into place, and the life you have ALWAYS wanted will begin.

Tell me if any of these sounds familiar:

“Once I am finally in the right relationship…..then I will be happy”

“As soon as I get out of debt…. then I will be happy”

“Once I am done with school….then I will be happy”

“When I lose those 30 pounds…. then I will be happy”

“Once my kid gets into college… then I will be happy”

“As soon as I get that raise… then I will be happy”

“When I finally leave this horrible job…. then I will be happy”

~And the list goes on and on. ~

We put our happiness off to the future to AFTER we reach some future, external goal or event.

The myth of arrival leaves us believing that once we get to this certain point; our life will magically FEEL better. Because that is what the arrival myth is all about. How you feel.

For me, putting my happiness on hold until I reach some external goal or event seems like a surefire way to wake up on my deathbed never having experienced being happy. Human nature, being what it is, we are always going to keep moving the goal post.

There is also no way to ensure that the thing we are wishing for will even have any effect whatsoever on our happiness. This sets us up for pain, when we reach the goal we so longed for, and the happiness we were expecting, never comes.

Imagine losing 30 pounds and still feeling just as depressed…

Imagine having your kid get into their first choice college and still feeling just as anxious….

Imagine getting that huge raise and still feeling just as lonely…..

The reality is accomplishments don’t take away our depression OR anxiety OR our loneliness. Our life will not suddenly be all sunshine and roses once we reach our goal. The myth of arrival has to be one of the most happiness stealing mindsets around. It is common, so part of being human.

This type of thinking keeps us so focused on the destination, we cannot enjoy the journey.

Don’t be that person. Try to be happy. NOW. No matter what the circumstances of your life are—don’t wait for the new job, new house, new partner, new location, new body, new income to experience joy.

Try not to allow your current circumstances make you long for a past that cannot be recovered OR put your happiness on a future event that may never come.

Remind yourself there are many people worse off than you in this world. We all know the common phrase “first world problems” which is something I think to myself when I am indulging in complaining or feeling like I got the short end of the stick in any given situation. I tell myself that my problems really are NOT problems in the big scheme of things.

If you have your health, food in the fridge, a roof over your head, you are luckier than many who walk the Earth.

Remember you can always lose all the blessings you do have at any given moment.

Human nature is to take things for granted.

The extra 10 pounds you complain about don’t seem all that bad until you lose the job you support your family with. Then the job you complain about doesn’t seem all that bad, when you realize how hard it is to find a new one. See where I am going here? For some reason, as humans, we love to have problems to complain about to keep us from experiencing peace and contentment. If we don’t have any, we will create them. Reminding yourself things can ALWAYS be worse can help you appreciate all the imperfect but good things you do have.

Do not place your happiness in some future that may never even come.

Stop letting your current life situation steal your happiness, which you can be experiencing now.

Chances are, your life, is pretty great just the way it is.

If you are interested in counseling with me:
Erin Doyle Theodorou, M.Ed., LPC, NCC, ACS

etheodorou@theodoroutherapy.com

973-963-7485

10 Signs You are Too Stressed Out

September 3, 2018September 5, 2018 by Erin Theodorou, posted in counseling, psychology, self-help

Stress…it has a way of sneaking up on you.

We live in a time where being busy has become an indicator of success. As a culture we are obsessed with being productive. How often have you asked someone how they are doing and they replied, “Busy!” People are proud of their busyness. Yet being super-busy inherently includes with it stress. With our never-ending to-do lists and our calendars filled on the daily, we rarely if ever, take time to evaluate if we are under too much stress.

How much stress we can handle is largely subjective. We all do not have the same capacities for stress. It is not helpful to look at what other people can manage as a way to gauge how much stress you can handle in your life.

Stress happens to all of us–there is no avoiding it. It is a fixture in modern life. Whether real or imagined, when you perceive a threat in your life, the body activates your nervous system’s “fight or flight” response, releasing cortisol, adrenaline, and a host of stress response hormones, preparing you to better handle the “threat.” Stress can make your muscles tense, beads of sweat appear, your stomach ache. Your breath may begin to shorten as your heart pounds.

Stress can feel like it is killing you, and the fact is, chronic stress CAN.

You may be thinking to yourself, well, how will I know if I have too much stress in my life? When does it cross the line from a healthy amount to potentially deadly?

Here’s how.

Signs You are Reaching Your “Stress Breaking Point”

1)You have mood swings and no energy. Our lives are full of events that activate the stress response. You are running late to the airport OR your son calls in the middle of the day from school sick OR you forget your phone at home OR the water heater breaks as you are leaving for work OR your cousins once removed are coming to stay for a week and your house is a mess. Do any of these sound familiar? It is important you monitor your emotional well-being for the emotional signs of stress–crying, mood swings, having trouble concentrating, difficulty making decisions, irritability. Stress can bring on a roller coaster of emotions and increase your vulnerability to anxiety and depression.

2)Anxiety has become your new companion. Anxiety can be normal in stressful situations. But worrying more than usual can be a sign your stress levels are out of control. Too much stress can be a catalyst for developing an anxiety disorder. Many external factors can lead to anxiety-stress in your marriage, stress from work, stress from a serious medical illness, financial stress. Stress creates anxiety. Anxiety makes it hard to manage stress. What a vicious cycle–chances are you engaged in it more than a few times. When stress and anxiety begin to interfere with normal functioning, it is time to seek help.

3)Sleeping is impossible for you. You are always exhausted, yet when nighttime comes, you can’t fall sleep. OR maybe you can fall asleep but staying asleep is the problem. It is a terrible feeling to live in a chronic state of exhaustion. Waking up tired is usually a symptom of being spread too thin. You feel lethargic just thinking of all that you have to do that day. When night comes, you may find yourself laying in bed, with your mind racing. This is a sign you can’t shut down your overwhelmed brain.

4)You have frequent headaches. Advil is on you at all times. You pop aspirin like it is candy. You can hardly go a day without experiencing a horrendous, debilitating headache. Tension headaches and migraines are part of the body’s stress response. Identifying triggers can help to reduce the build up of stress that lead to these types of headaches.

5)Your libido has changed. Stress can lead to a diminished libido. Psychological stress impacts our hormones including suppressing our sex hormones. If you are chronically stressed, in all likelihood, your sex life will begin to suffer.

6)You have chronic pain, digestive, or skin problems. Is your job giving you a stiff neck? Do you find yourself breaking out after spending too much time with your mother? Does fighting with your husband get your stomach in knots? Stress often manifests in physical symptoms. Perhaps you have gone to the doctor and they cannot find ANY medical cause for your symptoms. Many physical symptoms can be triggered or exacerbated by stress.

7)Your appetite changes. Stress can spike or kill your appetite. Or it can do both depending on the seriousness of the situation and the level of stress hormones it secretes by the particular stressor. Maybe you loss your appetite when you are stressed by work. But you become ravenously hungry when stressed by your wife and kids at home. These stress hormones mess with your digestive system and screw with your sense of hunger. The gut-brain connection is REAL.

8)Pessimism is your new normal. Chronic stress can have an impact on your personality–including influencing how you view the world, making your irritable, impatient, frazzled. To boot, people with a pessimistic attitude tend to be less adept at handling stress. It can make you wonder which came first–all the stress or the pessimistic attitude. Pessimism leads to stress AND stress leads to a pessimistic attitude. Classic chicken or the egg.

9)You are having difficulty making decisions. Stress can make it hard for people to make decisions. It can be that you got tunnel vision–there is only one right choice and one wrong choice. And you HAVE to make the right choice. When you overwhelmed by stressed, it is hard to compromise or see the nuances of a choice or situation. Stress has a way of moving us towards the safest, sure-fire option. It can make it hard for you to pull the trigger because of fear of making the wrong choice. Stress, as you can imagine, leads to poor decision-making.

10)You are easily annoyed by people and things. Stress can make you grumpy. No one wants to be a grump. Yet when we become overwhelmed by our stress, other people are viewed as pains or nuisances. We become frustrated by other people even if they may not be doing anything annoying. Things (houses, cars, clothes) can be seen as burdens–taking up your time, energy, and adding to your already too long to do list. Stress can cause us to get inappropriately angry at the littlest thing. None of us want to live in that state.

So, what do you do if you are seeing yourself in some, hopefully not many, of the signs listed above?

Just by recognizing and identifying these symptoms in yourself is a great first step to mitigating the stress in your life. There is nothing wrong with keeping busy. But it is up to you to decide when your lifestyle is crossing the line between manageable and unmanageable. You have to remember–as long as you are alive the bills will keep coming, the responsibilities will keep building, and there will never be more than 24 hours in the day. Life has cycles—and the stress will always be there.

Balance is key to living a happy and healthy life. We all KNOW the generic tips to stress reduction: exercise, meditate, eat right, keep a positive attitude, get enough sleep. Self-care is a must. It is practicing these tips that we need to work on.

We are an adaptable species-I have faith that we all have it in us to better manage our lives. If you can learn to go with the flow, life will be that much more easier to manage.

Remember, stress is not what happens to us, it is our response to what happens to us.

Be well, my friends.