Tag: psychotherapy

Coping with Mid-Life Challenges

by Erin Theodorou, posted in Uncategorized

Midlife is a time of transition, reflection, and, for many, a bit of confusion. It’s a phase where the dreams of youth can sometimes feel distant, and the future can seem uncertain. Whether you’re approaching your 40s, 50s, or beyond, coping with midlife involves understanding the challenges that come with aging while also embracing the opportunities for growth, renewal, and reinvention.

In this blog post, we’ll dive into how you can cope with the changes that come with midlife and use this period to rediscover yourself, your passions, and your purpose.

1. Acknowledge the Feelings: It’s Okay to Feel Mixed Emotions

One of the most important steps in coping with midlife is simply acknowledging your feelings. It’s common to experience a range of emotions: nostalgia for the past, anxiety about the future, and even frustration with changes in your body, energy, and lifestyle.

It’s completely normal to go through what is often called a “midlife crisis,” although not everyone experiences it in the same way. For some, it’s a time of questioning one’s life choices, relationships, and career. For others, it’s a moment of deep reflection that leads to a profound sense of self-awareness and growth.

Tip: Start by acknowledging where you are emotionally. Journaling, therapy, or open conversations with friends can help you process complex feelings. Sometimes, just recognizing and naming your emotions can be a powerful first step toward healing and growth.

2. Embrace the Physical Changes: Your Body is Evolving, Not Fading

Midlife often brings noticeable changes in the body—weight gain, wrinkles, less energy, and for women, the onset of menopause. These changes can trigger feelings of loss, but rather than seeing them as signs of decline, it’s helpful to view them as part of your evolution.

Stay Active: Regular exercise can help maintain energy levels, improve mood, and boost your overall health. Find an activity you enjoy—whether it’s walking, yoga, swimming, or even dancing.

Take Care of Your Mental Health: Midlife is a time when mental health can be more vulnerable. Anxiety, depression, and stress may arise, but they can be managed. Meditation, mindfulness, therapy, or creative hobbies can do wonders for emotional well-being.

Nourish Your Body: Focus on a balanced diet with nutrient-rich foods that support your energy and overall health. Also, don’t forget to hydrate and get enough sleep. Small, consistent changes in your diet and lifestyle can make a big difference in how you feel physically and emotionally.

3. Reevaluate Your Career: This Might Be the Time for a Change

For many people, midlife is a time when they start to question their career. Perhaps you’re feeling unfulfilled or thinking about switching paths. Maybe the corporate grind isn’t as appealing as it used to be, or you’ve always dreamed of starting a business or pursuing a creative passion.

While these questions can feel overwhelming, midlife offers a unique opportunity to pivot and pursue something more aligned with your values and interests.

Tip: Take the time to assess where you are professionally. What’s working, and what isn’t? What would make you feel more fulfilled? It could be an ideal time to invest in further education, take up a new hobby that could turn into a side hustle, or even plan a full career change.

For some, transitioning into new professional endeavors later in life can be one of the most rewarding parts of midlife. With experience and wisdom on your side, you may find that you have the confidence to take risks that you wouldn’t have earlier in life.

4. Strengthen Your Relationships: Deepen Your Connections

Midlife often brings shifts in relationships. Your children may be growing up and becoming more independent, or your social circle may be changing as you age. While this might bring feelings of loss, it can also be a great time to focus on the relationships that matter most.

Reconnect with Yourself: During the busyness of earlier life stages, you may have prioritized others—your kids, your career, or your partner. Now is the time to reconnect with yourself. Invest in activities that allow you to grow and rediscover your own needs, desires, and dreams.

Build New Bonds: Seek out new friendships or strengthen existing ones. Sometimes, making new connections with people who share your interests can bring fresh energy into your life.

Nurture Your Romantic Life: If you’re in a relationship, midlife can be a time to rekindle the romance. Whether it’s a long-term partner or someone new, don’t be afraid to invest time in your romantic life and explore new ways of connecting.

5. Find Purpose and Meaning: Reinvent Yourself

One of the most powerful ways to cope with midlife is by finding a renewed sense of purpose. This could involve pursuing a long-held passion, contributing to your community, or focusing on things that truly matter to you.

Volunteer: Giving back to others can be deeply rewarding. Whether it’s through mentorship, charity work, or community involvement, helping others can bring a sense of fulfillment that goes beyond personal achievements.

Travel or Explore New Experiences: You may have put off certain dreams or experiences for years. Whether it’s learning a new language, traveling to a new country, or trying something creative like painting or writing, midlife is a great time to explore new avenues of personal fulfillment.

Be Open to Spiritual Growth: Some people find that midlife sparks a journey toward spiritual exploration or introspection. Whether it’s through organized religion, meditation, or philosophical reflection, exploring deeper questions about existence can lead to profound personal growth.

6. Celebrate Your Achievements and Gratitude

Finally, remember to take stock of all the things you’ve achieved in your life. Midlife can sometimes bring a sense of “time running out,” but it’s also a time to celebrate how far you’ve come. Practice gratitude for the experiences and lessons that have shaped you into the person you are today.

Celebrate your accomplishments, big and small, and recognize the wisdom that comes with age. Reflecting on how much you’ve learned and how much you still have to give can provide a sense of empowerment as you move forward.

Conclusion: Midlife as a New Beginning

Coping with midlife isn’t about avoiding change or wishing for the past. It’s about embracing change, learning from it, and using it as a platform for the next chapter in your life. While the road might seem uncertain at times, midlife offers a unique opportunity for reinvention, self-discovery, and personal growth.

Whether you’re navigating physical changes, career transitions, or personal reflections, remember: midlife is a phase of life, not a crisis. Embrace it as a time to rediscover your passions, refocus your priorities, and find deeper meaning in your everyday experiences.

By accepting the changes, reflecting on what truly matters, and embracing the possibilities, you’ll find that midlife can be one of the most fulfilling and exciting phases of your life.

If you’re navigating midlife yourself, what’s been most helpful to you? Feel free to share your thoughts in the comments below or connect with others who are on the same journey. We’re all in this together!

If you are interested in counseling, please reach out to me:

https://www.psychologytoday.com/us/therapists/erin-theodorou-glen-ridge-nj/243617

Don’t PUNISH the Wrong People

by Erin Theodorou, posted in Uncategorized

Most of us do our best to behave. We try to do the right thing, be polite, follow social/moral norms, and not harm others.

Yet punishment exists across society in as far back as history goes, albeit our ancestors doled out different forms of “punishment” then current society may permit (public stoning–not going to fly these days)! Evolution has instilled in humans the desire to identify and discipline wrongdoers. It is a part of our collective human nature. The reasons for direct punishment are clear. If someone wrongs you, retaliation reduces the likelihood that they will do it again. Additionally, if others see you retaliate, they will also be less likely to wrong you in the future.

When our goals are thwarted or we feel diminished in some way, many of us find ourselves in the uncomfortable position of having a lot of negative energy to unload but not feeling able to direct it towards the correct person due an imbalance of power. Thus, we punish the wrong people, usually those closest to us, making them suffer to relieve our own suffering.

Of course, this process is not conscious. We wait for some way to rationalize our behavior by citing the wrong behavior of the person we are punishing, but if we look deeply we can usually trace our hostility not to what this person has done, but to an unfulfilled desire to retaliate against the person who has hurt us.

If this setup is familiar to you, try a different route next time. Instead of attacking the wrong person, openly admit to your hurt feelings and ask for comfort and support instead. You’ll feel a lot better, which is why you’re trying to punish your loved one in the first place, and you’ll be strengthening your relationship instead of decaying it.

It can be pretty tough to admit to feeling diminished, you’re exposing your soft underbelly not just to someone else but also to yourself by admitting you have one. But it’s preferable to blaming and punishing a person who doesn’t deserve it, in effect making someone else feel just as bad as you have been made to feel yourself.

Learning to Make Peace with the Differences in Ourselves and Others

by Erin Theodorou, posted in Uncategorized

How comfortable are you with being different? How comfortable are you with other people’s differences?

Take a moment and pause to think of the people you are closest with.

Do you find these people are like you in terms of beliefs? Political, personal, and otherwise? Do your friends have a wide range of perspectives and approaches to life? Or do you find your relationships center around a shared outlook and belief in life and how the world works?

Often when people come to counseling, the sessions are relationship focused, namely on relationship problems. As you can probably guess, differences lead to conflict rather than sameness in relational dynamics. I see clients time and time again not being able to wrap their mind around how a partner, friend, or family member acts or thinks as they do.

Yet the OTHER person is not the problem. It is the orientation towards differences that is likely at the heart of the issue.

Differences are part of being human. It does not make you unhuman because you are different. We have sameness and we have difference. As do all the people we meet and interact with.  As does all our family, friends, colleagues, etc.

From a family system perspective, we have togetherness and separateness. We have individuation and connectedness. The goal of becoming self-differentiated is learning to balance these forces to manage our self and our relationships.  The aim of counseling is to find a way to be more at peace with ourselves and others.

At the cornerstone of many relationship issues tends to be an inability to tolerate differences and manage our responses. Too much togetherness can lead to problems. Too much distance can equally lead to problems. A healthy balance leads to a stable life with healthy relationships.

Some people are afraid to be themselves because of the fear of how others will respond. They have grown up in a family where differences are not valued. Often not tolerated.

Often in dysfunctional families, we see the mindset of we should all think and feel the same way i.e., “group think.” Differences are not very well accepted if you did not hold the party line. There is a great value in sameness.

The truth is if you are self-aware, self-defined, and self-regulated you are going to be different from other people. AND THAT IS A GOOD THING. That is a human thing.

And if someone else is going to be self-aware, self-defined, and self-regulated they are going to be different from me. That is a good thing too.

Acceptance means we respect that other have a right to be their own unique persons. Our world becomes a lot more interesting when we learn to accept other people’s differences.

We can have differences while also being connected. Although for many people it is hard for them to connect with someone who is different from them because again their existence is based on sameness. So, if you are not the same as me then I need to exclude you, or we are not going to connect because we are not the same.

In counseling, I often point out to clients I will not believe everything everyone else believes. I will not feel everything else feels. This is a certitude that holds true for us all.

Accepting differences is a part of maturity and growing up. Accepting that not everybody is me. Developmentally, that is what teenagers look for me when they reach adolescence. Teens want to fit in and be around like-minded people which during that specific developmental stage is appropriate. It is not a permanent state to live in as we mature into adults.

Weaknesses or limitations that we all possess make it hard to make peace with differences in ourselves and others. Accepting differences means accepting others’ strengths without feeling inferior, meaning you do not feel less than the other person because they have a strength. Just like you do not feel more than the other person because you have a strength.

It is understanding that other people’s strengths mean nothing about my strengths. Their differences mean nothing about my differences.

That is where I think the therapeutic value comes in and can be helpful. Counseling can help you accept that they can be different and think different, I can be me and think differently.  Many people in sessions struggle with worrying about what another person in their life thinks of them.

Accepting differences mean coming to accept other people are entitled to think as they will and for us to be unaffected by it. To accept we do not need to fight to change people’s perceptions of us. Thus, if they have a negative view of me, I am LETTING them have that negative view of me and I am not absorbing it. I do not think I am bad or stupid or worthless. YOU may think that. That is your right to do so. Those are your thoughts. In turn it gives me a greater amount of detachment and neutrality because I accept their differences. And their differences can be ludicrous especially in dysfunctional people. But that is okay. Those are their beliefs for whatever reason, but they are not my beliefs. We can observe rather than absorb them.

It is healthy to realize I am not you and you are not me. It is a helpful notion to have with other people. And it such a common struggle for people of all ages and from all walks of life.

If you are not comfortable with differences is leads to hiding, lying, keeping secrets in our relationships. Those are the difficulties that arise when we need sameness to feel comfortable.

I think part of maturing and getting older is accepting people think differently than I do, and they will. And that is okay.

A common way you know you struggle with accepting differences is when you try to change someone. We are not respecting differences if we are trying to fix others. It is not accepting the principle of we are all not the same.

The thing you must remember is accepting differences is not accepting the behavior.

If someone thinks harshly or badly about you, if I accept their differences, it does not mean I will stay in for the abuse. It means I now must make choices about how I am going to relate to this person. I cannot change them, and I have probably tried to many times. But I can’t—now what to do I do to position myself with them that has the least toxic effect? In turn you are accepting their differences by adjusting yourself to that reality. Then we care for ourselves more while respecting their differences.

We must remember there are not only differences in beliefs, but differences in how we react and respond. If you really want to get a reaction from someone, feel differently than they feel.

Feeling neutral can be seen as a bad thing as some. Because being neutral can be unsettling. People often feel more comfortable in emotional reactions because even if they are not healthy, they are familiar.

People may not like or accept this response. Reactivity may be what they are comfortable with. Remember, reactivity is lack of being okay with difference. Because if you are okay with difference, why would you be reactive to the other person? If you are okay with being neutral and with differences, you do not need to be reactive.

If I am okay with my position, I do not need to react to the positions of others.

They may not in turn have everything they want, but I do not have everything I want. Such is life.

Being okay with differences reduces the reactivity in our relationships. It leads to less conflict and more harmony.

Others can believe what they choose but I must then act accordingly. Oftentimes, we do not like the options of acting accordingly—it may mean boundaries, it may mean loss of the relationship, it may mean loss of finances, it may mean lots of things.

In counseling, people often ask how they can CHANGE the other person. Or struggle with accepting the other person WILL NOT CHANGE. Yet one of the best ways we can change a belief in others is not to be reactive to it. It is often counterintuitive and surprises the other. Thus, them having that belief is totally on them—they need to take responsibility for that belief and its repercussions.

It is also accepting that other people may not believe what you believe. People may challenge your beliefs and values. Yet I am not going to defend myself out of that belief—often when you are defending yourself, you already loss.

Defending yourself does not fix the true issue at play.

How much does defending oneself truly work? Often the belief comes from an irrational position, an emotional position, or a systems position. It is not coming from a LOGICAL position so giving all the facts is not going to change anything about what you believe, or the other person believes. We see this at play in the political arena daily.

This principle is not about forcing or changing differences, it is about RESPECTING differences. Even if those differences are illogical or irrational, we then just must decide how we will respond in turn. That is true emotional maturity.

As I frequently share with my clients, I cannot change others irrational beliefs. Thus, I respect that—those are their beliefs. I may not believe them to be true at all but that is okay. That is my belief. Now, what am I going to do?

Accepting differences can be both liberating and scary. Both emotions will come up the more you differentiate. You understand you are truly alone. When you experience the difference of where you end and the other person begins, it can get scary. But also, profound.

The person I have is me. Therefore, inner bonding work can be so important. Because really the only person you have is you. Yet this is true for us all.

There are other people we connect with. But we do have to learn to stand alone. That is a part of emotional maturity.

Counseling can be a way to develop the ability to cultivate respect for differences in our self and others. This can help all the relationships we have in our life including our relationship with self.